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Musings on Identity/Gender
7 years ago
General
Hey everyone, how's it going?
Apologies in advance, gonna get a little heavy with this one.
So, by now everyone's seen my female form that I recently commissioned, Lena, right? Read the description as well for good measure too, I'll assume. Well, that's because pretty much everything I discussed in that description's true. I've dealt with that desire to become a woman for the longest time, felt I'd be more comfortable with that kind of form more than my current one and never really knew why. Never really got the chance to explore why for that matter, being raised in a rather religious household and taught to believe that sort of thing was "sinful" and told from a young age that if I ever "decided" I was gay that I wouldn't be allowed under my parent's roof by my father, and that I'd still be loved but my lifestyle and choices not accepted if I chose that path by my mother. So those thoughts and questions were always regulated to private introspection or dismissed as fetishes or a phase of growing up, or at worst regarded as a burden and an aberration within my psyche/soul that I wished I didn't have or wanted "fixed." Don't get me wrong, I still like TFTG stuff even now that I'm starting to question some things beyond that, but the fact of the matter remains that this is something fairly new to me, having the freedom to explore like this.
That being said, I know a lot of my pursuits and hobbies are traditionally considered masculine- even if some have been blurred a bit by the rise in equality of girls in what have been considered a "boy's club" in nerd circles- so that sort of makes things even more difficult to understand to some degree. I don't care much for sports, and I don't mind physical labor- though I know I'd rather be in a field that focuses more on my skills and allows me to pursue my interests. And on top of that, having been raised in this male form for so long, I've likely "gone native" as it were and grown accustomed to it ("regretfully comfortable," perhaps), despite feeling like my body hair is unsightly and wishing my shape was more aesthetically pleasing, and regarding my undercarriage as more of a nuisance than anything else at times.
I don't know, just a lot of questions right now, and not a lot of answers. I know I feel like I'd prefer to be a woman, so many of my characters have an element of TFTG in their backstories that it's probably been evident for a while now and I'm only now just seeing it while everyone else has probably known for forever, lol XD. Again though, it feels like I'm more inclined to want to be a woman in form while having a somewhat dude-like personality (dude as in male that is, not as in dudebro :P). As stated before, this is all new to me, and I'm probably rambling- which is good, seeing as I just wanted to get this out there and off my chest for the most part.
Regardless of the questions I have and how unsure I am about this whole thing as I move forward and explore this part of myself though, I want to make it clear that I'm gonna keep doing what I'm doing and stand by what I said in Lena's ref. She's here to stay, a part of me that I sincerely wish I could embody, regardless of the uncertainty in my head at the moment.
If you've stuck it out this far through the potentially incoherent rambling and heavy subject matter, I hope this hasn't been too confusing, and thank you for taking the time to read this vent-fest XD.
Hopefully it won't be too long before you see more updates from me or commissioned art or written stories. Life has a funny way of muddying the waters though, so you never know XP. Thanks again everyone, and until next time: stay safe out there, stay awesome, and keep up the amazing work! !
-Corinth Alexander/Chakat Cloudwalker/Lena.
Apologies in advance, gonna get a little heavy with this one.
So, by now everyone's seen my female form that I recently commissioned, Lena, right? Read the description as well for good measure too, I'll assume. Well, that's because pretty much everything I discussed in that description's true. I've dealt with that desire to become a woman for the longest time, felt I'd be more comfortable with that kind of form more than my current one and never really knew why. Never really got the chance to explore why for that matter, being raised in a rather religious household and taught to believe that sort of thing was "sinful" and told from a young age that if I ever "decided" I was gay that I wouldn't be allowed under my parent's roof by my father, and that I'd still be loved but my lifestyle and choices not accepted if I chose that path by my mother. So those thoughts and questions were always regulated to private introspection or dismissed as fetishes or a phase of growing up, or at worst regarded as a burden and an aberration within my psyche/soul that I wished I didn't have or wanted "fixed." Don't get me wrong, I still like TFTG stuff even now that I'm starting to question some things beyond that, but the fact of the matter remains that this is something fairly new to me, having the freedom to explore like this.
That being said, I know a lot of my pursuits and hobbies are traditionally considered masculine- even if some have been blurred a bit by the rise in equality of girls in what have been considered a "boy's club" in nerd circles- so that sort of makes things even more difficult to understand to some degree. I don't care much for sports, and I don't mind physical labor- though I know I'd rather be in a field that focuses more on my skills and allows me to pursue my interests. And on top of that, having been raised in this male form for so long, I've likely "gone native" as it were and grown accustomed to it ("regretfully comfortable," perhaps), despite feeling like my body hair is unsightly and wishing my shape was more aesthetically pleasing, and regarding my undercarriage as more of a nuisance than anything else at times.
I don't know, just a lot of questions right now, and not a lot of answers. I know I feel like I'd prefer to be a woman, so many of my characters have an element of TFTG in their backstories that it's probably been evident for a while now and I'm only now just seeing it while everyone else has probably known for forever, lol XD. Again though, it feels like I'm more inclined to want to be a woman in form while having a somewhat dude-like personality (dude as in male that is, not as in dudebro :P). As stated before, this is all new to me, and I'm probably rambling- which is good, seeing as I just wanted to get this out there and off my chest for the most part.
Regardless of the questions I have and how unsure I am about this whole thing as I move forward and explore this part of myself though, I want to make it clear that I'm gonna keep doing what I'm doing and stand by what I said in Lena's ref. She's here to stay, a part of me that I sincerely wish I could embody, regardless of the uncertainty in my head at the moment.
If you've stuck it out this far through the potentially incoherent rambling and heavy subject matter, I hope this hasn't been too confusing, and thank you for taking the time to read this vent-fest XD.
Hopefully it won't be too long before you see more updates from me or commissioned art or written stories. Life has a funny way of muddying the waters though, so you never know XP. Thanks again everyone, and until next time: stay safe out there, stay awesome, and keep up the amazing work! !
-
We don't get to choose our forms but we do get to choose how we present ourselves.
As an aside, I still miss Gwen, super cute questing beast. ;)
*Hugs you,* And thanks, Lauren, I really appreciate that . Like you say, I'd much rather be Lena or Cloudwalker- anthro or otherwise- despite presenting as male generally and having a degree of... Well, let's call it "begrudging acceptance" and "regretful comfort" in my male form (lol :P), while still feeling like I'd rather be female and would accept a transformation into one in a heartbeat. Perhaps I'm more genderfluid than straight-up trans, comfortable being "me" regardless of shape despite having a desired preference? Heh, as said before, I'm still new at this whole thing, so I don't know exactly where I fit per say . Still, I'm glad I've got friends like you who're there to help and support me through my discoveries .
Oh yeah, I know the feeling, I'm much the same. I know I'd definitely rather be female in form as well as spirit, but I'm at least not crawling in my skin. Trying to accept me for me has always been a challenge, I've never really been crazy about my reflection, but at least seeing myself in some recent pictures hasn't been so terrible.
And yeah, I feel the same way, not crawling-in-my-skin levels of dysphoria, but still a discomfort with my reflection and self to a certain degree, a feeling that I'd be more comfortable in a female form than my current one. Whenever I look at my refs of Lena (i.e. girl!me), they fill me with an overwhelming sense of happiness and warmth that's hard to shake .
At least I am now well removed from the religious bullshit of my blood relatives, and we have agreed to go our separate ways on that issue, so it won't be a problem.
For me, there are many other complications to make undergoing a gender transition little more than a pipe dream. I could handle the personal process of transitioning like a champ... but I couldn't afford the financial cost, and the forces of government and society around me would fight me tooth & nail every step of the way. While I would relish the thought of that fight, there are also physical complications to consider, such as my age, and how far past puberty I have gone, missing that window to make the transition easier. I am not convinced the surgical options are good enough or effective enough to produce convincing results.
So mostly... I don't talk about it, and keep it to myself. This is one of my first public admittance of having a long-held desire to be another sex... if having a chakat persona wasn't a big enough clue for the past several years.
I think my parents would love me regardless, but there are the practical concerns... So I fursuit as a female, I play a female character, I have female clothes. I just don't do anything beyond that, for one reason or another.
Jury's still out on my folks, sadly. Some things just... I don't know. An yeah, I'm in the same boat at the moment as well. Play a female character, have some female things and habits (I started shaving/nair-ing my legs recently), but otherwise... Don't have anything else for one reason or another
I know that I'm practical to a fault, and it would potentially risk just about everything so it's the sort of think I'd need to be 100% sure about and I don't know if I can do that, beyond what I already do.