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Aches and Pains and Doubts in Brains
5 years ago
General
So, I talked to my little sister last night about... Everything, that I've been dealing with privately for the past several years.
Apparently I'm really transparent whenever I want to talk about something and want someone to ask me about it, according to her.
Now, in the aftermath... I don't really know what to feel or think really. I was so tense that whole evening that I feel ache-y right now. Ache-y and riddled with anxiety and doubts.
She asked a lot of questions, as someone who has a psychology degree would. She wanted to know whether this started before or after my first girlfriend and I broke up, whether it might be because I'd been "kiddy fiddled" when I was younger, whether it might be because I've never really experienced an intimate relationship or attachment (or had sex) because of how bad my record is with dating, things like that. She told me that she's not going to tell my parents because, "it's not [her] conversation to have," but she wants me to reach out more to the local LGBTQ+ community if I'm really going to go through with everything like I've talked about, because in her words, just having one friend to fall back on isn't going to cut it. And she's pretty sure my Dad's going to "stroke out" whenever I tell him and will likely disown me. Apparently, my telling them that I was gay would've been easier for them to take than being trans.
She also said something that, honestly, was a good point.
They always reach out to me to try and include me in things, try to have me as part of their lives. But I always push them away, more often than not because they make me uncomfortable because of a couple of things and I'd rather find an excuse to avoid an uncomfortable situation/person rather than confront it. And the conversation with them about my struggles with my identity is going to probably be the most uncomfortable one of all, one I won't be able to find an excuse out of if I go through with it. They've made the effort to try and include me in their lives, they love me so much and my pushing them away hurts them, and I've let my fears about how they would react if they ever found out about me continue to push and push them further away, and now what would have been a smaller hurtle to acceptance earlier has widened into a chasm. They still love me and want me around, but the potential for acceptance coming out has gotten slimmer and slimmer, and I'm the one that made that happen.
All because of fear.
And now, I'm in a place where I'm back to doubting myself again. Is this really what I want? Do I want to keep pushing my family away from me because I'm scared of them? Do I want to change who I am because I genuinely truly feel this way- and trust me, the fantasies and daydreams and interest in this stuff hasn't stopped- or because I haven't taken the opportunity to really look at it from every angle and have some serious self-reflection outside the echo chamber of close friends that I love dearly, and apart from the fears that have kept me suffering in silence? Am I really ready to be apart from my family when I've relied on them being there for me my whole life? Am I such a drama queen that I subconsciously try to broadcast my discomfort to others and then pretend like nothing's wrong, leading people on? Can I really make the effort that I need to make in order to move forward if I decide to go through with this, to live on my own without them to fall back on when things get tough because they won't want to be there for me?
I honestly don't know.
Right now, maybe I need to take some smaller steps than I have been. I rushed into this because I feel like I need to take greater strides, but honestly, this is something that can start at any time. Hell, Strype started when she was what, 38? Just because I'm afraid of it being too late doesn't mean I need to charge in head-long without first putting a solid plan in motion and having a support system to back me up.
For now though, this journal's starting to get long, and I know ya'll are probably tired of these doom-and-gloom entries. Hopefully something good happens that'll offset all this 'woe-is-me' negativity that I've been going through as of late. I certainly hope it does. I mean, my sister didn't outright hate me or threaten to kill me or anything, so I suppose that's something, and having something to think about isn't a bad thing either.
Anyhow, that's it for me now. Talk to you all later. Stay safe out there, and stay awesome!
Apparently I'm really transparent whenever I want to talk about something and want someone to ask me about it, according to her.
Now, in the aftermath... I don't really know what to feel or think really. I was so tense that whole evening that I feel ache-y right now. Ache-y and riddled with anxiety and doubts.
She asked a lot of questions, as someone who has a psychology degree would. She wanted to know whether this started before or after my first girlfriend and I broke up, whether it might be because I'd been "kiddy fiddled" when I was younger, whether it might be because I've never really experienced an intimate relationship or attachment (or had sex) because of how bad my record is with dating, things like that. She told me that she's not going to tell my parents because, "it's not [her] conversation to have," but she wants me to reach out more to the local LGBTQ+ community if I'm really going to go through with everything like I've talked about, because in her words, just having one friend to fall back on isn't going to cut it. And she's pretty sure my Dad's going to "stroke out" whenever I tell him and will likely disown me. Apparently, my telling them that I was gay would've been easier for them to take than being trans.
She also said something that, honestly, was a good point.
They always reach out to me to try and include me in things, try to have me as part of their lives. But I always push them away, more often than not because they make me uncomfortable because of a couple of things and I'd rather find an excuse to avoid an uncomfortable situation/person rather than confront it. And the conversation with them about my struggles with my identity is going to probably be the most uncomfortable one of all, one I won't be able to find an excuse out of if I go through with it. They've made the effort to try and include me in their lives, they love me so much and my pushing them away hurts them, and I've let my fears about how they would react if they ever found out about me continue to push and push them further away, and now what would have been a smaller hurtle to acceptance earlier has widened into a chasm. They still love me and want me around, but the potential for acceptance coming out has gotten slimmer and slimmer, and I'm the one that made that happen.
All because of fear.
And now, I'm in a place where I'm back to doubting myself again. Is this really what I want? Do I want to keep pushing my family away from me because I'm scared of them? Do I want to change who I am because I genuinely truly feel this way- and trust me, the fantasies and daydreams and interest in this stuff hasn't stopped- or because I haven't taken the opportunity to really look at it from every angle and have some serious self-reflection outside the echo chamber of close friends that I love dearly, and apart from the fears that have kept me suffering in silence? Am I really ready to be apart from my family when I've relied on them being there for me my whole life? Am I such a drama queen that I subconsciously try to broadcast my discomfort to others and then pretend like nothing's wrong, leading people on? Can I really make the effort that I need to make in order to move forward if I decide to go through with this, to live on my own without them to fall back on when things get tough because they won't want to be there for me?
I honestly don't know.
Right now, maybe I need to take some smaller steps than I have been. I rushed into this because I feel like I need to take greater strides, but honestly, this is something that can start at any time. Hell, Strype started when she was what, 38? Just because I'm afraid of it being too late doesn't mean I need to charge in head-long without first putting a solid plan in motion and having a support system to back me up.
For now though, this journal's starting to get long, and I know ya'll are probably tired of these doom-and-gloom entries. Hopefully something good happens that'll offset all this 'woe-is-me' negativity that I've been going through as of late. I certainly hope it does. I mean, my sister didn't outright hate me or threaten to kill me or anything, so I suppose that's something, and having something to think about isn't a bad thing either.
Anyhow, that's it for me now. Talk to you all later. Stay safe out there, and stay awesome!
Take care, and tail high!
And yeah, no such thing as a late start, even though I don't necessarily want to wait that long, lol XD. Perhaps a little further into my thirties, after I've had some time to network out, get a little more financially stable and the like.
It sounds like your sister is a smart cookie, and it sounds like you have at least her to rely on even if things go sour with your parents. I know from experience how terrifying it is to reveal something like that to the people you love.
As I was told by a friend a long time ago and it was something that I bore in mind while at the same time it terrified me and kept me from doing it for a long time was the advice she gave me. "Be prepared to lose everything, your family, friends, etc." And me being the practical person I was (am) was afraid to gamble more than I could afford to lose. That being said... If you're trans or considering it, it has to be something you're willing to gamble big for since it is a major life decision that could affect everything all the way down, so it's logical it's something that requires a great deal of consideration and is not to be taken lightly.
My advice is that if you're going to pull the trigger on it, definitely be sure. Talk to your sister, and you know I've been there.
I know that like me you explored a lot of it through furry, and it helps, but eventually, and there is no way around this, you either take the plunge or you don't. Now I know everyone has to reach that point on their own, but I'm here and I know a few girls that have been where you are, so feel free to ask questions. *hugs*
And yeah, of my family my little sister is probably the second most worldly of us, though I don't know if I'd be able to rely on her if things go sour with my folks. Unfortunately, my mom ended up finding out because my little sister apparently has a worse poker face than I do. There wasn't anything done really, I managed to convince them that I've been going through some stuff lately in regards to feeling like I need to be at a certain place in my life before I hit 30 (not a lie but bending the truth a bit), so there wasn't a big fallout. Although my mother did show up at my apartment at 7:30am on Monday and nearly fell to her knees sobbing when I told her I was "still her son," and claimed the whole thing was my "spiritual turning point" or something.
Needless to say, unfortunately, if/when I decide to pull the trigger on it, my family's gonna be one of the first things to go.
But yeah, I'm going to try and go a bit slower at this for the time being, not rush into things like I was doing. If I'm serious about this, I need to ask some more serious questions of myself, really do some serious self-examination. I need to establish a better support network locally- which is hard to do in a pandemic, so that might have to come later on, perhaps even next year- and I'll need to find some way of getting ahead financially to where I can start saving more money to go towards being more self-reliant.
*Hugs tight,* It helps to know that you and the others are her to talk with, Lauren. I'll definitely try to lean on you all a little more, not try to shoulder this on my own 100% of the time like I tend to do.
It's very tough to hide things from your parents especially if you see them often. *hugs* I live half a country away from my mom and dad so they didn't know until I got around to telling them, but I have never been good at hiding things from mom either. Anyway it is up to you of course when and how and such, but if you decide you are sure it is more a matter of when. Either way, it will be difficult I am sure. But we are there for you. *hugs*
I understand it's a tough thing for some people to internalize, but if they really love you, if they're really family, they should stand by you. And if they can't... That's their failing. Understandable but still tough. In any event I really do suggest you ask questions, of others and yourself, be sure, and if not then reflect with others until you are. It's a tough call but one you must be absolutely certain about as you cannot turn back once you get the ball rolling, so to speak. Least, not easily. Imagine turning an 18 wheeler around in a parking lot and that's about the size of it.
Anyway, I've been there so I'm happy to offer what advice I can. *hugs*