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2018 Reflections.
7 years ago
CW: Cancer, bereavement, domestic situations
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It’s that time again; reflecting on yet another year that has raced away faster than I’ve known what to do with it - and I know this isn’t New Year’s eve just yet! 2018….you’ve been tough. I wanted to write a bit more of a long journal to help explain why I haven’t been here or active as much as I was in the past.
This year has had a lot of pressures. I have faced family bereavements, with my last biological Grandparent and an Aunt on my mother’s side passing away. A week after my Grandad’s death my dad was diagnosed with a throat cancer and that sent me reeling. There was so many rapid changes of treatment approach (from “just surgery” to full on alternating chemo and radiotherapy) I didn’t know if he was hiding something or just didn’t know himself what was going on. I found out the night before a team Away Day for brainstorming ideas at work and had to keep it together in my new job, crying in front of my new manager as I told her but then getting my shit together and getting on with the day. That was hard. I had to cancel work, rearrange to do weekends instead to take my dad to appointments. At one time I had spent the morning with him, but got a call in the evening that he was declining in health quickly and was taken to hospital. His cancer food replacement was sending his diabetes completely out of whack. Seeing dad shrink physically and emotionally has honestly shocked me deeply and is something I am still processing. He’s always been a force of nature, and seeing him so ill I didn’t know what to do but to keep doing anything I could to help. He’s on the mend now, officially not having any treatments, but he had hid an additional lung cancer diagnosis until confirmed it was a false reading. I have insisted on reading his discharge letters to prove it. Boy did that give me anxiety. We almost lost my step Grandad too this year, another cancer diagnosis, but luckily for him the doctors operated immediately and he has recovered. That was if I recall properly 2 weeks after my dad’s diagnosis, and he was visiting at the time from Australia. Everything felt so out of control for a long while, the first third of the year was just spinning wildly.
The middle third of this year was pretty much entirely spent on preparing to move, and supporting my dad. My arsehat of a previous landlord tried keeping the entirety of my deposit (£1300) and we had to fight it for months through the deposit protection scheme to get it back, which we were awarded! That was good, but the stress of having to buy all new kitchen appliances like a fridge when you don’t have your sum of money back was infuriating. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Just after this came my dad’s wedding. We flew out, 28 of us, to celebrate for 6 days together and for the service. This small 6 days still had enough of their own conflicts and moments of upset. This included the day of the wedding having my Aunt tell off both my dad and now step mum for their fighting literally the night before which my brother and I had to de-escalate (nothing like running from the bottom floor of a hotel because you know the sounds of a fight and legging it before realising you’re in nothing but a thin anime t-shirt and panties….oof). The service was beautiful and everyone enjoyed it, but at the other end of the wedding night me and the same brother then intervened in a domestic situation with my other brother and his girlfriend…..You couldn’t make it up. I was exhausted.
I’m now waiting to see if my mum needs to move out of her own volatile relationship and home. She was going to move in with me last week, but then changed her mind. I just have to be patient and wait to see if she needs the support. There’s pretty much been something happening at every point this year.
With that said, it’s certainly not been entirely bad and there have been many beautiful moments. This year my wonderful partner proposed to me. He has been my rock and my support with everything going on. He knows the full on craziness of my family and yet still chose me. I can’t get over that! He supports me in everything I do, and I don’t know what i did to deserve it but I aim to provide it all for him too. We are a very effective team.
My brothers and I have all grown closer too. Me and my youngest brother are pretty much best friends, and we call each other almost every day when he’s at uni, even if it’s just to talk while peeling vegetables for dinner! It’s great having such a nice relationship. My middle brother as well has matured a lot, and I am excited at the thought that our relationship can continue to grow. As a family, and a wider one including my aunt and cousins, we are more appreciative of the time we have together and this christmas was one of the fondest ones I have had in many years. We played games the entire time and there was no bickering or moments of drama. It was really fantastic.
My work is going well, with my manager continuously noting how pleased she is with me and how I work. I need the praise (lol insecure), but more than that she’s been so amazingly supportive with everything that’s happened. If I needed to change the day I work she cleared it, no problems. She reminds me to take care of myself without judgement, and I couldn’t ask for a better manager.
I also now have a lovely house. Renting, sure, but it’s lovely and mine for now. I am very grateful for this.
I’m pretty healthy too, for the most part. I’m waiting for counselling to try and address the kinda trauma this year has sprinkled around to see if I can break my insomnia. I won’t be defeated! I participated in the Cancer Research Shine Walk around London, walking 26.2 miles around London on a wet night in October. We raised over £1000 as a group, and it was a great (painful) experience! I will probably do it again in 2019 but perhaps actually train this time beforehand?? Truthfully I didn’t realise how long it was until the day beforehand when I realised it wasn’t going to be a 3 hour jolly but more like 9…..8hrs 56 minutes was my time and I am very proud of myself.
That’s where I think I will leave off for now.
It’s been so full on and hectic.
I am looking to 2019 with hope it is calmer. I have some exciting art ventures planned, and I am really enjoying creating. It’s been such a wonderful outlet! I want to thank all my watchers and commissioners. Your support this year has helped me tremendously, both with encouragement and literally - you guys all helped me buy my fridge and washing machine!
I wish you all the very best, and hope you have a Happy New Year!
---
It’s that time again; reflecting on yet another year that has raced away faster than I’ve known what to do with it - and I know this isn’t New Year’s eve just yet! 2018….you’ve been tough. I wanted to write a bit more of a long journal to help explain why I haven’t been here or active as much as I was in the past.
This year has had a lot of pressures. I have faced family bereavements, with my last biological Grandparent and an Aunt on my mother’s side passing away. A week after my Grandad’s death my dad was diagnosed with a throat cancer and that sent me reeling. There was so many rapid changes of treatment approach (from “just surgery” to full on alternating chemo and radiotherapy) I didn’t know if he was hiding something or just didn’t know himself what was going on. I found out the night before a team Away Day for brainstorming ideas at work and had to keep it together in my new job, crying in front of my new manager as I told her but then getting my shit together and getting on with the day. That was hard. I had to cancel work, rearrange to do weekends instead to take my dad to appointments. At one time I had spent the morning with him, but got a call in the evening that he was declining in health quickly and was taken to hospital. His cancer food replacement was sending his diabetes completely out of whack. Seeing dad shrink physically and emotionally has honestly shocked me deeply and is something I am still processing. He’s always been a force of nature, and seeing him so ill I didn’t know what to do but to keep doing anything I could to help. He’s on the mend now, officially not having any treatments, but he had hid an additional lung cancer diagnosis until confirmed it was a false reading. I have insisted on reading his discharge letters to prove it. Boy did that give me anxiety. We almost lost my step Grandad too this year, another cancer diagnosis, but luckily for him the doctors operated immediately and he has recovered. That was if I recall properly 2 weeks after my dad’s diagnosis, and he was visiting at the time from Australia. Everything felt so out of control for a long while, the first third of the year was just spinning wildly.
The middle third of this year was pretty much entirely spent on preparing to move, and supporting my dad. My arsehat of a previous landlord tried keeping the entirety of my deposit (£1300) and we had to fight it for months through the deposit protection scheme to get it back, which we were awarded! That was good, but the stress of having to buy all new kitchen appliances like a fridge when you don’t have your sum of money back was infuriating. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Just after this came my dad’s wedding. We flew out, 28 of us, to celebrate for 6 days together and for the service. This small 6 days still had enough of their own conflicts and moments of upset. This included the day of the wedding having my Aunt tell off both my dad and now step mum for their fighting literally the night before which my brother and I had to de-escalate (nothing like running from the bottom floor of a hotel because you know the sounds of a fight and legging it before realising you’re in nothing but a thin anime t-shirt and panties….oof). The service was beautiful and everyone enjoyed it, but at the other end of the wedding night me and the same brother then intervened in a domestic situation with my other brother and his girlfriend…..You couldn’t make it up. I was exhausted.
I’m now waiting to see if my mum needs to move out of her own volatile relationship and home. She was going to move in with me last week, but then changed her mind. I just have to be patient and wait to see if she needs the support. There’s pretty much been something happening at every point this year.
With that said, it’s certainly not been entirely bad and there have been many beautiful moments. This year my wonderful partner proposed to me. He has been my rock and my support with everything going on. He knows the full on craziness of my family and yet still chose me. I can’t get over that! He supports me in everything I do, and I don’t know what i did to deserve it but I aim to provide it all for him too. We are a very effective team.
My brothers and I have all grown closer too. Me and my youngest brother are pretty much best friends, and we call each other almost every day when he’s at uni, even if it’s just to talk while peeling vegetables for dinner! It’s great having such a nice relationship. My middle brother as well has matured a lot, and I am excited at the thought that our relationship can continue to grow. As a family, and a wider one including my aunt and cousins, we are more appreciative of the time we have together and this christmas was one of the fondest ones I have had in many years. We played games the entire time and there was no bickering or moments of drama. It was really fantastic.
My work is going well, with my manager continuously noting how pleased she is with me and how I work. I need the praise (lol insecure), but more than that she’s been so amazingly supportive with everything that’s happened. If I needed to change the day I work she cleared it, no problems. She reminds me to take care of myself without judgement, and I couldn’t ask for a better manager.
I also now have a lovely house. Renting, sure, but it’s lovely and mine for now. I am very grateful for this.
I’m pretty healthy too, for the most part. I’m waiting for counselling to try and address the kinda trauma this year has sprinkled around to see if I can break my insomnia. I won’t be defeated! I participated in the Cancer Research Shine Walk around London, walking 26.2 miles around London on a wet night in October. We raised over £1000 as a group, and it was a great (painful) experience! I will probably do it again in 2019 but perhaps actually train this time beforehand?? Truthfully I didn’t realise how long it was until the day beforehand when I realised it wasn’t going to be a 3 hour jolly but more like 9…..8hrs 56 minutes was my time and I am very proud of myself.
That’s where I think I will leave off for now.
It’s been so full on and hectic.
I am looking to 2019 with hope it is calmer. I have some exciting art ventures planned, and I am really enjoying creating. It’s been such a wonderful outlet! I want to thank all my watchers and commissioners. Your support this year has helped me tremendously, both with encouragement and literally - you guys all helped me buy my fridge and washing machine!
I wish you all the very best, and hope you have a Happy New Year!
I hope your 2019 is better than last year's! Well wishes to you, Chan!