I had two mild nightmares the pass few days, it was really odd. They weren't scary or anything, but more like bizarre and rather uncomfortable. I can't quite remember them, even though I tend to remember my dreams fairly well. I don't think I had a nightmare since when I was 12 or 13, then again, emotions is a rather unfamiliar concept to me until the last few years. I wonder if having nightmares another symptom.

This constant sadness, I fear it has become my identity. I can't envision a future without, because who am I without it? I am an edgy sad and pathetic person, without this depression, I am nobody, not even a loser, I am absolutely nothing.

I once told my ex I feel like a failure my whole life, and he told me to never say that and never feel like that ever. Well now when I think I am not a failure, I think of him, and I think of the pain he brings me, and when I think I am a failure...well I just feel like a failure.

The pass few days when I cross the road, I didn't look both ways, yet I flinched when I noticed a car turning. Yesterday, I didn't, I just ignored it and continued on. My reflex didn't stop me. I feel a bit at ease, as if I accepted my lack of regards for my own life to the fullest extend.

I was thinking about a scenario of my mother discovering my body recently and how that will play out. I feel pain, for her and for the first time I feel it would a selfish act to commit suicide. I wonder if this sudden discovery of empathy is a result of my facing a very possible reality of the taking of my own life, or due to something else.