I am currently looking for jobs in my field and been harder than ever to improve on my skill set and applying to positions. Yet there seem to be no change in outcome from two three years ago, people around me getting jobs while I don't. I told myself that reality is nothing but a state of chaos and so these aren't really rational outcomes, more effort I put it doesn't really mean anything in this uncaring universe. Still, I am only a collection of cells bounded by my baser human emotions such as discouragement.

Times like these I try to look back, but I know that truth is that there is nothing to look back to. The only thing that exist and is real is now. The concept of looking back, regretting, thinking of the past are all illusions, a fantasy land made from the abyss of our past. The only thing awaiting me if I turn back and look is a void, versions of myself that want to drag me into oblivion, back into purposeless suffering.

The only path is forward, despite how insane it may seem. Repeating my efforts and expecting different outcome, the very definition of insanity. However, ain't that the very core of life, repeating a cycle of survival for our meat sack day after day, only to perish in the end anyways? This whole job hunting process screams the essence of life, madness. I must drag myself towards the purpose I set forth and look only towards the match I lit for myself, as the alternative being a silence void that will swallow me whole and engulf me in a state of eternal inaction and pain.

For those who seek the abyss, they have no need to look further than a mirror. For their heart is already nothing but a void, their body is just an empty vessel without a soul. They are already the embodiment of the abyss.

Life: A time period of a person where they endure suffering strived from the pursuit of eternal happiness under the false hope that such a feat can be achieved.

I find myself rather unmotivated lately, yet relatively happy, though that emotion is slowly going away. Being the introspective person that I am, I tried to figure out a logical reason to this peculiar change in my mood.

I traced back to the beginning, which was a long period of depression. This eventually lead me to conclude emotional pain is eternal and is merely a part of nature, no different than gravity, and to be upset by a force of nature is idiotic. This lead me to analyze what happiness is, and my ultimate goal to achieve relative happiness, which motivates me to move on. The pain I felt every night was a motivator for me to wake up everyday, always reminding me why I should stay alive. However, the pain lessened over time and I thought it was because I've gotten a higher tolerance for it. Eventually I even feel a bit happy, which coincidentally lead to my lack of motivation.

I think this lack of motivation is due to the happiness, since the extended period of happiness removed stress from me and made me forgotten about the pain, it also means I lost my motivator. As my happiness continues over time, it becomes normalize and therefore relatively speaking, I will no longer be happy since a higher standard norm is set in place. Being unmotivated and lacking any real progress to achieve the ultimate happiness I seek, my well being will once again decline and cause stress since I can no longer maintain the norm. This will drag me back to depression and pain, which motivates me again, until I get use to it to reset the norm to a lower standard, and then I will relatively be happy again, and on and on and on.

Quite an interesting and inefficient cycle of motivation, but at least it makes sense and fit into all my other theories.

I don't know why I still write these diaries, maybe because I know deep down I am still broken and depressed and I need this outlet to keep me sane.

I manage to detach myself from the four person I have any attachment to in this world so now I consider myself freed from the curse of empathy. I was in my bed one night and was thinking about the last time I was happy, it was when my ex cuddled with me and tighten his arms around me. That feeling, I am forgetting it, I can't recall the sensation anymore as I vividly use to. I also can't clearly remember his face, and I know my brain is trying to piece it together with false information.

This realization should really upset me and make me have an episode from knowing the fact that I don't even remember what happy is. Yet, all I did was shrug off. I think I am broken, but differently as I was. Or maybe this is normal, I don't know anymore.

I met some new online friends, and we were having a late night discussion that eventually lead to the topic of AI. They agree that AI will eventually take over jobs and force a massive amount of unemployment, causing a need to change the very foundation of our society structure. In other words, my plan to cause this change is sound, and society must adapt or die, I personally believe in the latter.

It also occurred to me that we will never reach utopia, not by ourselves. How can flawed beings like humans create a perfect society? A flawed creator cannot create something perfect as long the logic used to create something is flawed. If we create something beyond our understanding, then that is the right step in creating a perfect or at least better being, who then can create a perfect or better society. At the moment, this can be done with AI as we already reached a stage of giving it the ability to learn in a way beyond our understanding, and so it has the potential to become a better being.

Just as many considered God to be perfect, only he can create a perfect society, not us. Therefore, since there is no God, we must create our own God from means that we cannot understand in hopes our creation will bring us utopia.

Just a reminder for myself to strengthen my conviction. You chose this path, and you know why you chose this path and it is the only rational choice you could have make to keep moving on. Know what you are living for, remember who you were and who you need to be to accomplish what you want. Don't be lured back into who you were because it is more natural, resist the temptation. You too well what the consequences are to revert back to your old habits.

Stay frosty.

It occurred to me today, that everything bad and negative last much longer that anything good. I am not talking about products of course, but on more abstract concepts, like emotions and social constructs.

I used to have four person in my life that I found important, and I consider them my last ties to humanity aside from myself. One was always a questionable choice and it was fairly easy to disregard him. Another recently said something that triggered me, and I realized maybe deep down, she didn't care about me as much I thought she did, so I shall return favor.

That leaves two more obstacles to my transformation, and I realized it was time to lose another one. My best friend, while I never considered her to be my best friend its common definition because we never had too much in common, but since she was the one I shared the most emotions with as a friend and spent a large amount of time with, she was the closest thing I had that I would call a best friend. However, I realized today, like all friends and relations, it was all so temporary. Once people moved on to a next stage in life, everyone else that got left behind simply disappear from their lives. All the bonds formed will be eroded by time, and soon they might as well never exist. All the good things are so fragile and temporary. Happiness, love, relations, and food, they never last.

Unlike pain and suffering, hatred, vengeance, and distaste, those last much longer. That darkness is the only thing that last, you should always rely on the emptiness of the world because it always be there, regardless if there is man.

A reminder to myself, stop ignoring the pain, feel it burn in your heart, for it will ignite and inflame a greater hatred that you can use to motivate yourself to act, to become better than who you were. No one will achieve your dreams for you, so you have to do it with your own hands, to light the fire that will bring the smell of ashes you so deeply seek.

A reminder to myself, I chose this path and it is too late now to regret it. I analyzed all I can, and if there is any chance at all to be happy, this is the only way and I know it. Stop comparing yourself to others, you will endure and may even suffer more through the next half decade or so, and you will one day come out on top, you will be happy. You know dam well that you believe in nothing in this world, not even yourself, but the only thing you know is real is the emptiness, the void in your heart, the paradox that must be destroyed. When it all falls apart, you will finally find peace in the ashes.

KEEP MOVING FORWARD!

I started a social exercise for myself, to tell a lie a day, such as pretending to be interested in a topic or giving a false complement to people. This is to help myself better socialize with other people and getting use to the idea of saying things I don't mean just to create potentially useful bonds with other human beings, and I find my little challenge to be quite beneficial. I am getting more and more use to lying and pretending without a compulsive need to confess the lie, which I usually do due to my honest nature that people tend to dislike.

It is as if I am putting a facade, though today I realize my emotionless rational behavior is in itself a facade as well. I put up a cold robotic like appearance to devoid myself of emotions so that I can lock away my empathy to avoid pain, yet I put up a different facade of a normal person putting up white lies to socialize with people for ulterior motives. Despite these two different personalities, I am inherently emotional, prone to pain, and probably best describe as a naive young kid that wants to be loved and cared for. Most people only put up one personality, and I am here putting up two personality to hide my own weakness.

I feel like I am trying to juggle three balls, when I can barely catch one ball.

Happiness is like physics, things are relative. My personal experience sets up a frame of reference for me to compare my current level of happiness over my life time, and my experience of the world sets up a different frame of reference that lets me compare my happiness to the happiness of others. If I can't be happy by increase my level of happiness, then perhaps I can change the frame of reference, resulting in my happiness relative to my reference points to be higher than before.

If I can't be happy in this world, then maybe I can bring the world down to my level. I am now determined that the only way I can be happy again is to alter this frame of reference, sewing chaos and conflict, stress and pain where ever I can. I will study hard to join an organization that can develop the necessary tools to bring upon a new era of society, and burn down the old world that brought me nothing but pain. In that process of deconstruction, I wish I find peace in the ashes.

I grew up thinking emotion is weakness, mostly from watching too many espionage tv shows and movies, where loved ones are often held hostage to force the protagonist to the antagonist's bidding. If that attachment was a liability, it would be better to not have it, so I devoid myself from attachments. From that point on, I make most of my decisions base on rational choices that I can explain.

It was until later I came out of the closet due to a period of emotional weakness, and fell into the trap of being in love. Now I lost that love, I lost that happiness, and my logical mind just keeps reminding me of my current situation, I am not happy. If I ever receive happiness again, I can lose it and feel that pain again, the pursue of happiness will carry immense risk. So now I am indifferent to everything, yet this indifference also causes nihilism, where there is no point for me to do anything, because all I want to do is be happy, and I can't do that, so my life has no purpose since the one purpose I found was to be happy and I can't logically make a decision to pursue that.

There was a time when I had a clear vision of who I want to be, and even though I know who I want to be, it wouldn't even matter if I become that person because I know I still won't be happy. It is a dead end everywhere I go, if I aim to be happy then I am also aiming to lose happiness, if I aim to be indifferent then I feel nothing and nothing matters and I am depressed, if I do aim at nothing, then I just end up clinging on to the current situation of my lacking happiness. There is nothing I can do here, I am completely broken. Any action I take will be incorrect.

I have recently taken up a nihilistic life philosophy with a positive twist, similar to that of stoicism. It acts like a coping mechanism, whenever a sudden flow pain underneath of skin manifest, I tell myself it doesn't matter, this pain only makes me stronger. If I look back ten years from now, this pain is meaningless. I developed this concept that although the universe doesn't care about me, I have no rational reason to need to care about the universe. Not only that, I don't need to care the past or present, and only look for the future.

As Patrick Bateman said, there is an idea of "me", and although you may be able to see me and even feel my flesh, I am simply not there. Who I am now, is not the who I want to be nor who I identify as, there is a specific version of myself that that I envision. Who I was in the past, who I am now, I don't consider those to be really me, they are merely a hollow entity that exist at a specific point in time, a temporal shell, a stepping stone towards becoming who I really am.

So because of these life philosophy, I thought I can cope and just toss out all the pain out the window. Though recently I am not sure how much longer I can do this, my temporary "peace" may be a sign. I read that suicidal people tend to be happy for a short time before they die, because they finally feel peace knowing it will all end soon and the suffering will be gone. While I don't have any well constructed plans, I started envisioning what a perfect suicide would be like.

To die after achieving a perfect moment, like watching a sunset on a gravel rooftop eating a great box of fast food sipping a grande size starbucks frap. When it is all done and the joy of food release dopamine, for a moment, happiness is achieved and it can all end at a perfect moment like that. One gunshot to the head, and ending my chapter on a personal high note.

My dad came to the country I live in for the second time. I never really spent time with him during my childhood or even teenage years, he was busy working in a foreign country. Today we are talking about something weird that I brought up, and it eventually led to the topic of marijuana. At some point he told me, if I ever try smoking weed, I can consider he is not my father anymore. I haven't done weed before, but at that moment, he is just dead to me, instantly.

I am already pretty nihilistic at this point, I have very little care about humanity. The fact that he wasn't really in my life before made this a really easy decision for me, it changes nothing, if he doesn't want to be in my life, I don't care. I only value one rule and one rule only, freedom that doesn't affect others, and I will not let others influence my actions with emotional threat, or society judgement, even it is from my parents, family, friends, or anyone else.

At this point I think I even take pride in this. I always took pride in being emotionally dead, it makes me feel more masculine. Emotions always brought me nothing but pain, and cutting it off is a gift. My indifference to my father's statement gave me a sense of joy and pride, and I know I value pride a lot, so much that when I finish typing this, I am too prideful to even dare feel any regret, and eventually this lack of care to my dad will be solidify in time and he will be dead to me as a father.

I know I shouldn't feel happy, but this confirmation of my indifference to the world pleases me. It means my process of eliminating my connection to society is working, and soon I can be back to my old self that cares about no one. That way I can no longer be attach to anyone, I can no longer be hurt.

I had two mild nightmares the pass few days, it was really odd. They weren't scary or anything, but more like bizarre and rather uncomfortable. I can't quite remember them, even though I tend to remember my dreams fairly well. I don't think I had a nightmare since when I was 12 or 13, then again, emotions is a rather unfamiliar concept to me until the last few years. I wonder if having nightmares another symptom.

This constant sadness, I fear it has become my identity. I can't envision a future without, because who am I without it? I am an edgy sad and pathetic person, without this depression, I am nobody, not even a loser, I am absolutely nothing.

I once told my ex I feel like a failure my whole life, and he told me to never say that and never feel like that ever. Well now when I think I am not a failure, I think of him, and I think of the pain he brings me, and when I think I am a failure...well I just feel like a failure.

The pass few days when I cross the road, I didn't look both ways, yet I flinched when I noticed a car turning. Yesterday, I didn't, I just ignored it and continued on. My reflex didn't stop me. I feel a bit at ease, as if I accepted my lack of regards for my own life to the fullest extend.

I was thinking about a scenario of my mother discovering my body recently and how that will play out. I feel pain, for her and for the first time I feel it would a selfish act to commit suicide. I wonder if this sudden discovery of empathy is a result of my facing a very possible reality of the taking of my own life, or due to something else.

I feel like something is lodged in my throat for awhile, even thought I have no trouble drinking or swallowing. Out of curiosity, I googled this symptom and it turns out it may be something called Globus Pharyngeus, which is either a phantom feeling of something stuck in your throat, or something deep in your throat has a minor inflammation. One of the common causes to this is anxiety or stress (psychological disorder may cause it too, but I don't think I have that).

Knowing that my year long condition may have caused the manifestation of this physical symptom gave me this slight sense of relief. I am not relieved because this symptom is minor, but because my extended period of anxiety is getting worse and starting to manifest in physical forms. This could mean if my stress continue, other symptoms may appear, leading to a decline in my physical health, which may eventually lead to something serious, in which case I can refuse treatment and die.

Aside from carbon monoxide poisoning, a self induced or naturally caused illness is another way I've been planning to die, by just refusing treatment if the condition is terminal. Being self aware of my anxiety or depression or whatever doesn't seem to help make me healthier, it just makes me a high functional anxious blob of walking meat.

There is just so many things wrong with me...some part of me is naive and believe the good in the world and still hope that society is just and fair. Reality is that most people are there for themselves, and they only help others only if it takes almost no effort to them, or they are trying to benefit themselves either financially, emotionally, or some indirect contribution to those two.

I use to tell myself this, "we do what we should, not what we want." I believe we should do the right thing because it is the right thing, regardless of our own personal feelings or the effort needed. How naive of me to believe that. The outrage that people have when government officials hand out jobs to their friends and family, yet that has always been the way society function in the private sector, and we just accept it as the way it is, oh the hypocrisy.

I just wanna kill the part of me that still feel sympathy, that feels pain, the part that still care. It soothes me to see others suffer as it makes my suffering seem more normal, or even insignificant, yet some part of me wish everyone the best and try to help them, and eventually life turns bright for them. Then I am once again suffering alone, it is always better to suffer in numbers than alone...

I hate this...my life...the world I am in. I just want the world to burn, I just don't have any space in my heart to care about people. Yet when I see people that are worse off, like way worse off, like a blind person or disabled person, or a mom with carrying two kids, I always end up speeding pass them to open the door up for them just out of reflex...most people don't do anything about it from what I see.

There is just so much wrong with people that I can no longer sympathize with humanity as a species. I can't just look at any person and say, you matter, or your life is worth living for. Some people just don't matter, some people just shouldn't exist. There is just so many people that shouldn't be on this planet that I don't see any other way to get rid of them then to watch this whole world burn to ashes and hope that a better society will born from it. Despite all the good in the world, it is all covered by the shadow of the enormous culmination of the evil nature of humans, a bit here and a bit there, there is bad in all of us and not enough good.

Today I found a new purpose, I found a game idea. The idea is so dark and real, it surpasses all the other twisted game ideas I had. I can relate to this idea almost everyday, and if nothing else, if all hope is in lost, I can at least try to make this game.

Today on reddit, I read a post about someone who is in a similar situation as me right now and contemplated about killing himself. I didn't tell him to do it, just because I don't want to face the backlash. I feel like he should, if he really feels like life is not worth living for. I am not saying this out of ill will, but because I relate to him to a degree and I think he would find peace in becoming nothingness.

I just can't relate to people dying anymore. I see it as they find peace in this miserable world, as something that many seek yet for personal or societal reasons decided not to commit suicide, or perhaps they still have this hope that things can get better. This decision base on an irrational hope, is as much as a gamble as going to the casino, if anything, it is even more ridiculous as going to the casino, because at least gambling as some sort of math supporting the probability of winning.

I can't relate to humanity anymore, you see death as tragedy, I see it as finding peace, and that is an agnostic saying that. It really doesn't make sense when a religious person cry about death, because their logic dictates the dead is in heaven, a place that is way better than earth. If for some reason they are in hell instead, than that person probably deserved to die then.

If I am going to kill myself, I should probably move out so my parent doesn't need to find my body...and not know what to do cause they don't speak English so they can't effectively call 911. They will probably feel so bad at that moment as they can't do anything as I lay there lifelessly.

On the other hand, I would prefer to die by carbon monoxide poisoning. Just sitting in a car as I fall asleep. Too bad I need to be able to afford a car, and move out simultaneously. If I live in an apartment and kill myself in a parking lot, good chance someone will find me before I die...must I rent a house just to kill myself...painless suicides are hella expensive these days...

Still can't believe I am not getting a heart attack or something from eating whatever I want...

People always say live for the present...well my present sucks balls I rather die.

I just live for the future instead...but that future is also turning gloomier everyday...then what else is there to live for?

I found a sub-reddit dedicated the the field of I was planning to apply to next year, and it listed a bunch of portfolios. It made me realize how far away I am from building a portfolio that stands a chance against other applicants. I don't even know what I should do anymore...all hope seems lost...there is no future for me...kinda wish I get hit by a car right now.

Everything is so boring to me, I find nothing interesting. This is prob why people do drugs, to feel something. Open myself up to...myself...then I'll just get depressed, lock them in, I just turned bored and want to nuke the world.

After another altercation online, I realized this really is a "fuck you got mine" kind of world.

Conservatives just care about themselves and no one else, but they understand that they are not in a position to save others.

Liberals want to be the hero, but they are all talk and can't take responsibility. They want to be the good guy, and sometimes they do succeed, but they over reach and then try to blame someone else when their plan doesn't work out and consequences follow.

Left or Right, it doesn't matter. Being a good person led me no where, being a fake person led all the people I know everywhere. I was never in the position to help others, and realistically I know we can't save everyone. I kid myself by pretending to be a leftist, but I am more right than I want to admit.

Fuck you got mine, I see no other way to live life until I am in a higher position to save. Gotta save myself before I can help others.