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More on why I suck...
6 years ago
General
Sorry, I’m still riled up and this has been stewing in my head for weeks without even getting to what I meant to vent about in that last one.
So yeah, obviously no BLFC for me this year. It’s a mixed bag that I’m on several different minds about. It could have been a chance to turn myself around, but more likely I would have been even worse. Doing these made me see that even out of last BLFC I was on about how much of a personal failure that was for me.
But I didn’t give myself a chance this year. Hell, among things on my mind is seeing all my friends that are there rooming together and I have NEVER even been able to broach the question. Never try to ask if anyone wants to go with me, pool our resources to improve our chances to get a room. Never able to ask if anyone has extra space available.
Hell, I’ve been around friends as they’ve discussed con room plans and I just clam up, go silent, and try to avoid any sort of notice.
It’s another thing I can’t stand about myself. I never even try to collaborate with friends to try to do things together. I have plenty of ideas in the back of my mind in that “wouldn’t it be cool if?” area. But that is where they live. Hidden in the back, locked away from the world.
I can’t even ask if people want to do something. I hate that I have a shit load of board games. Most of them I bought YEARS ago and collected without even having any friends to play with at the time. I was just some isolated loser that played WoW and sure I was cosplaying conventions, but I had yet to actually try to meet with people. Just that “oh, these games look cool” and “it sure would be cool if people came over to play this.”
But there weren’t any people to bring over. The number of times I’ve played these games by myself. The times I still do that. Yeah, I do have people I could play with. People I have done game nights with. But there’s still no way in hell I can get my anxiety riddled, crippled with depression mind to let me initiate shit. Others might bring it up and I can offer weak options that sometimes happen, but I can never start anything.
I’m just so broken.
So yeah, obviously no BLFC for me this year. It’s a mixed bag that I’m on several different minds about. It could have been a chance to turn myself around, but more likely I would have been even worse. Doing these made me see that even out of last BLFC I was on about how much of a personal failure that was for me.
But I didn’t give myself a chance this year. Hell, among things on my mind is seeing all my friends that are there rooming together and I have NEVER even been able to broach the question. Never try to ask if anyone wants to go with me, pool our resources to improve our chances to get a room. Never able to ask if anyone has extra space available.
Hell, I’ve been around friends as they’ve discussed con room plans and I just clam up, go silent, and try to avoid any sort of notice.
It’s another thing I can’t stand about myself. I never even try to collaborate with friends to try to do things together. I have plenty of ideas in the back of my mind in that “wouldn’t it be cool if?” area. But that is where they live. Hidden in the back, locked away from the world.
I can’t even ask if people want to do something. I hate that I have a shit load of board games. Most of them I bought YEARS ago and collected without even having any friends to play with at the time. I was just some isolated loser that played WoW and sure I was cosplaying conventions, but I had yet to actually try to meet with people. Just that “oh, these games look cool” and “it sure would be cool if people came over to play this.”
But there weren’t any people to bring over. The number of times I’ve played these games by myself. The times I still do that. Yeah, I do have people I could play with. People I have done game nights with. But there’s still no way in hell I can get my anxiety riddled, crippled with depression mind to let me initiate shit. Others might bring it up and I can offer weak options that sometimes happen, but I can never start anything.
I’m just so broken.
And yeah, personal problems like anxiety and depression that are fueling my self evaluation. But they’re also the prime causes for me to be behaving like that and unable to act so it’s a vicious feedback loop that just builds and builds and builds.
And I feel like I’ve been acutely aware of a lot of this for a few years now and that self-reflective history also acts as extra fuel for the feedback engine.
I know that I enjoy the opportunities we get when playing boardgames/pen & paper games together!
It can be hard to speak up sometimes and to push for doing stuff together, but I hope that it happens more and more!
I think it's very brave of you to speak up, even if it's a little bit at a time.
Me speaking up in FB messenger early was an attempt to be a bit more measured. Thanks for helping.