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I am still alive! Kind of... (Life Update Post)
6 years ago
So yeah… It’s been quite awhile since I’ve done much of anything here on FA… or online at all, for that matter. I kinda made a conscious decision to drop off of the (online) planet for a little while… A lot of things in my life have hit me pretty hard this year, and I just really didn’t have the desire or motivation for dealing with keeping up with things. It’s coming back, though, so I figured a good way to start (and commit myself to trying to get back into it) would be to do an update here… so… here it goes, I guess =p
I'm not the kind of person to blast my troubles all over the interwebs... I'm a cat, and I tend to internalize my shit and deal with it on my own... for better or worse. That said, I know I can't keep this shit in forever, and I know there are people out there who do care… and I know I shouldn’t be so quick to turn away from them. So if you’re reading this, then I guess you care a -little- bit, at least, so thank you for that =p
They say life comes in 3’s… and this past year has been a hell of a 1-2-3 combo hit, to say the least. There’s been several other things going on too, of course, but the vast majority of it comes down to these three things…
1) I’ve been struggling with pretty severe depression ever since the death of my ‘child’... my cat, Martha. She was hit by a car this past September, and I was the one who found her mutilated body in the road. The site of that, and going through all that in general fucked me up pretty hardcore, and I still struggle with PTSD and survivors guilt. I still get random, very intense triggers of overwhelming greif, still randomly see those images in my head, and I still can’t forgive myself for it happening… the guilt I hold onto is the worst, and it’s been hard to dig myself out of that pit. I know I need to forgive myself and move on, but… easier said than done.
2) On December 23rd this year (2 days before Christmas!) an ultrasound confirmed that I have two very large tumors on my thyroid… I’ve been constantly in the doctors ever since, and it’s been a fucking nightmare dealing with everything that’s come up around it… but long story short, I'm in the early stages of thyroid cancer. Now, I KNOW it could be worse… Thyroid cancer is easily ‘the best cancer’, so if you’re going to get it… well then, hey, I got lucky! But still, the C word is never fun to hear. I have to get my thyroid removed, and be on pills for the rest of my life, but I should be okay… Or, you’d think, but then, of course, comes the final blow of the combo...
3) Two weeks into January, I lost my job. No fault of my own doing... 'corporate restructuring', as they call it. My department alone saw about 35 heads roll, and at 6.5 years at the company, I was the -least- tenured person that was cut. I hated the job anyway, so, maybe it'll be for the best in the long run... but a job is money, and in the US, a job is healthcare... A job is your life. Not good news when you just got diagnosed with cancer. I’ve been battling with insurance and billing departments non-stop ever since, and I need to get a very expensive surgery fairly soon that I don’t have insurance for…. so… that’s fun. I’ve also been going through the soul-crushing experience of looking for another job, and let's just say it doesn’t exactly help with the depression/motivation issues =p I’m trying to remain optimistic, but there are days where it’s pretty hard.
So, that's where I've been at =p I'm slowly coming out of the hole, but it's been the hardest period of my life I've ever endured... and that says a lot. I didn’t really want to just up and disappear, but at the same time, it’s been hard to find the desire to look at porn and care about my OL life. It’s something I don’t wanna lose, though, so I’m hoping that this will motivate me to start caring about getting back a little more =p
Anyway, if you made it through all of that… then you need a more entertaining life! =p Seriously, though, if you did, then thank you for caring. It’s always good to be reminded that our community has more to offer than fursuits and porn… as nice as both of those are ;-3
~Kiwa
I'm not the kind of person to blast my troubles all over the interwebs... I'm a cat, and I tend to internalize my shit and deal with it on my own... for better or worse. That said, I know I can't keep this shit in forever, and I know there are people out there who do care… and I know I shouldn’t be so quick to turn away from them. So if you’re reading this, then I guess you care a -little- bit, at least, so thank you for that =p
They say life comes in 3’s… and this past year has been a hell of a 1-2-3 combo hit, to say the least. There’s been several other things going on too, of course, but the vast majority of it comes down to these three things…
1) I’ve been struggling with pretty severe depression ever since the death of my ‘child’... my cat, Martha. She was hit by a car this past September, and I was the one who found her mutilated body in the road. The site of that, and going through all that in general fucked me up pretty hardcore, and I still struggle with PTSD and survivors guilt. I still get random, very intense triggers of overwhelming greif, still randomly see those images in my head, and I still can’t forgive myself for it happening… the guilt I hold onto is the worst, and it’s been hard to dig myself out of that pit. I know I need to forgive myself and move on, but… easier said than done.
2) On December 23rd this year (2 days before Christmas!) an ultrasound confirmed that I have two very large tumors on my thyroid… I’ve been constantly in the doctors ever since, and it’s been a fucking nightmare dealing with everything that’s come up around it… but long story short, I'm in the early stages of thyroid cancer. Now, I KNOW it could be worse… Thyroid cancer is easily ‘the best cancer’, so if you’re going to get it… well then, hey, I got lucky! But still, the C word is never fun to hear. I have to get my thyroid removed, and be on pills for the rest of my life, but I should be okay… Or, you’d think, but then, of course, comes the final blow of the combo...
3) Two weeks into January, I lost my job. No fault of my own doing... 'corporate restructuring', as they call it. My department alone saw about 35 heads roll, and at 6.5 years at the company, I was the -least- tenured person that was cut. I hated the job anyway, so, maybe it'll be for the best in the long run... but a job is money, and in the US, a job is healthcare... A job is your life. Not good news when you just got diagnosed with cancer. I’ve been battling with insurance and billing departments non-stop ever since, and I need to get a very expensive surgery fairly soon that I don’t have insurance for…. so… that’s fun. I’ve also been going through the soul-crushing experience of looking for another job, and let's just say it doesn’t exactly help with the depression/motivation issues =p I’m trying to remain optimistic, but there are days where it’s pretty hard.
So, that's where I've been at =p I'm slowly coming out of the hole, but it's been the hardest period of my life I've ever endured... and that says a lot. I didn’t really want to just up and disappear, but at the same time, it’s been hard to find the desire to look at porn and care about my OL life. It’s something I don’t wanna lose, though, so I’m hoping that this will motivate me to start caring about getting back a little more =p
Anyway, if you made it through all of that… then you need a more entertaining life! =p Seriously, though, if you did, then thank you for caring. It’s always good to be reminded that our community has more to offer than fursuits and porn… as nice as both of those are ;-3
~Kiwa
You got this, Kiwa. You know I'm in your corner as well.
On #1...I can't imagine how horrible that was for you. I too lost a child these past few years, and while it was nowhere near as visceral, it was still very sad and to a certain extent I do blame myself. Suffice it to say that while there was no way to know there was a problem until we took her in to the vet, that by the time they tested her she was in an advanced state of kidney disease, and that we simply didn't have the money to afford the treatments (which at that point wouldn't have saved her anyway), and...well, nothing could be done, but I still feel guilty for not finding out before it was too late, and before the treatments would have been out of our price range and no longer helpful. And getting to hold her as she she was euthanized was still painful, even though far preferable to the alternative--or what you went through. Still...I do understand, and I hope you can come to forgive yourself, my friend.
#2 is very sobering, as even with it being so easily treatable and you catching it early you're quite right the things that go through your mind once you hear the c-word. (My grandmother beat breast cancer before dying of something else, and I lost my mother to liver cancer, so...you can imagine I am wary of my future.) Especially with #3! Which I also understand, since I was laid off in 2011 and have been in and out of various short-term, temporary jobs ever since. Still don't know if I'll ever find anything stable to replace it (got a couple possibilities right now, but as always the issue is the waiting), but at least for now I'm more secure than I was. So I've also had my health care situation go up and down, though at least I haven't had any major medical issues in that time, at least not ones which weren't easily handled and were covered by the insurance I had at the time.
But I do hope you can get something squared away soon, both for your own peace of mind and to aid with getting that thyroid issue taken care of ASAP. I'll be praying for you as well.
*hugs tightly* You do indeed have many friends who care about you, even if they don't know you as well as they'd like, or have never even met you in person. The community will be there for you!
I've been fighting with my own depression and survivors guilt, only it was cause my dad died of pancreatic cancer,
Seeing such a horrifying scean would shock and hurt anyone, and sadly some ppl are of the opinion that an animal is some how, less important than the pets we are gardians over, I know my biggest fear is what you are going through, and I'm very heartbroken that you're going through this crap.
If I can help in anyway, pls let me know, as for dealing with past incidences, it doesn't make anything better, I have however learned, that no matter how many times I go over a mistake that lead to me being unable to be where I needed to be, to prevent so much pain, from my dad to a new born kitten i tried to foster but passed away anyway, they are hard to accept, I had to learn that with what I knew at the time, there was no other choices I would have taken. And blaming myself for it today is not helping that kitten or my late dad.
Ja, they were taken in a cruel way, but it wasn't in my control. And for myself, after accepting that, I learned to believe in myself again. And to not be so harsh on myself for something out of my control.
Cancer is not fun, and to say "at least you got lucky"? Is imo rather insensitive, but thankfully, you won't have to fight it alone, if I find out anything, I'll let you know.
As for the job thing? From 20-28, I worked at 37 jobs, all terminated between 1 month to 6 months, and the longest was 1 year, my last job. This is where my PTSD cams in. And now, I can't think of a job interview without shuddering and force myself not to curl into a little ball and sob. Yes this happened after one interview.
I'm doing better now that I'm on disability and no longer have a $5,000 debt to the government. I know its hard to do, however if you could get disability, you'd be entitled to a lot of help.
I wish you all the best, and pls be safe, and speedy recovery.
Yours,
Mozi.
I'm glad you're still fighting hard!
❤Kitty butt