Me, being the self aware, S.O.B. that I am, i always wonder why i feel the need to publicly express my inner thoughts and personal feelings when i could just keep it to myself and not make people think i am a complete mess. Only recently i began to realize that its normal to want to express yourself. I just dont want people to think that i am drama or someone who is problematic. Then again, why should i hide that sometimes, i don't always feel put together? Maybe its okay to be a little vulnerable.


I just find it interesting that I look at myself and see that I've completely changed. Like a shift. And it all happened in a relatively short amount of time. I look back on past conversations, past behaviors and I see how different i am now.

When did it all start? Early this year, the first time i tried cannabis. If i could point to any life changing moments in my life, that would be it. I took a massive dose of cannabis edibles and that whole escapade is a story in itself, but during the first few hours it was in my system, i felt this immense weight be taken off of me for a short while, and then shortly after i began to realize just how miserable i was and just how far i had to go to better myself. I knew i still had major flaws and insecurities especially when, during that first high, i started divulging all my insecurities with my idiot friend. That week i made a therapy appointment with my school to try to address these things. I only had one or two before summer started and it gave me things to think about.

Then summer came and this last summer was a shit summer all across the board; I never could let myself relax and i realized only a few weeks ago it had to do with some family argument i had. Of course i continued using cannabis over the summer as well and..I would sit at my desk after taking 20mg of strong cannabis edibles and journal, writing about my inner thoughts. The beauty of the way i use cannabis is that it takes me to a place where i can be a little more objective, where my mind doesn't feel tethered by my anxieties. I could write a whole journal about cannabis.

After a restless summer, this current semester started and i originally thought I'd be happy to be distracted with schoolwork but its been absolutely miserable. I've no motivation to do my schoolwork or learn the material and generally have been dealing with bouts of horrible anxiety and waves of sadness. I have not been okay this semester, and even as I write this, i am not fully okay. However maybe its just me venturing into new uncharted territory. However I have been currently taking therapy and...that has been the most valuable thing possible because now i see things differently. Cannabis set my mind free, let me write down how i feel with ease, but therapy allowed me to take it all and make sense of it.

You know what i realized? I don't need to feel guilty for everything i do or don't do. I don't need to care about what other people think about me. I don't have to assume i am the problem. I don't have to doubt myself as much as I have. I don't need to be so hard on myself. I don't need to let people walk all over me and disrespect me. I'm allowed to have boundaries and i dont have to put up with bullshit. its like...i'm valuing myself more, finding my self worth. And finding my self worth means maybe prioritizing how i feel and what I need/want a little more.

Its not all super positive though because that first time i tried cannabis, i realized things that took my comfort away. I would always give myself comfort by thinking about the people i valued the most and the feelings i had for them. Then came that first time and the week after and i realized that...they weren't really here for me. It robbed me of that comfort and its been rough without it but it was an important thing for me to realize. It made me realize i need people in my life who are considerate of me and who value me as much as i consider and value them. Before that I would just swoon over someone i was infatuated with to make me feel better, then i realized that it was just a warm blanket that I would pull over my naked body whenever it got cold. I still want to have those feelings with someone, but i want them to be real and with someone who is considerate of me.

its also political too, this change. I've decided and began to commit to what matters to me and what I value: I'm a goddamn progressive, social justice warrior, Bleeding-heart libtard, whose not interested in hearing the opinions of people who are willing to sacrifice human-rights and dignity for some nihilistic gain. I'm not outright against conservatism; I'm against people with purely convenient values and a lack of consistency or consideration of others. I don't need people to agree with everything i believe, but i to be able to trust that they have the same basic values and will stand for what's right. I wanna criticize (respectfully, mostly) everything, I want to question everything. I'm mad as hell and I wont take it anymore. And this relates to my change because the new me wont back down so easily anymore. Stand my ground.

You know how all this feels? What I liken it to? It's like I'm in the cold again but instead i am standing on solid ground, wearing my polished boots, my jeans, my coat, my scarf and my eyes are open. Its like i have a spine and some self respect. it doesn't mean I'm gonna be selfish or blunt or an asshole. I still wanna be considerate of other people and self aware; that's always been a core part of who I am, but i also wanna be my own best advocate. And that's how its gonna be. And I'll deal with the consequences of that as they come. I dont intend to push people away, but I think people can learn to deal with me if they actually value me. And that's how its gonna be.

Watch out World: Ray's finally becoming worthy of being a Jaguar.