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6 years ago
As it turns out, after discussing how i feel with my counselor a few sessions ago (shortly after my last journal), i found out that i am depressed. I wouldn't have really thought of that describing what ive been dealing with, but once i described what i was feeling with my counselor he said to me "Well, Raymond, all that sounds to me like depression."
I actually really felt a wave of...defeat wash over me as i started to process that i have been dealing with depression. Why? Because now i have a problem and know it by its name. They're called depression and anxiety. Now something is wrong with me. And then i was reminded to all the people over the years who i knew who had depression and i felt even more defeated because...I guess that's what it could be like where I completely isolate myself from my friends or start being inconsiderate of people because i'm too in my own head. I guess I'm just scared of being a shell of a person. The good news is im dealing with it. Anxiety still hits me sometimes and some days i feel less than stellar but after my exams ended last week i started to feel a little better. Still, sometimes when the sun goes down i start to feel a bout of anxiety and depression.
Thankfully, in my time going to therapy and meditating with my journal, i've sort of began to boil down where my depression and anxiety started and the other things that cause me to feel depressed. Its getting better but it also involves a lot of personal change that is going...well?
One thing that has impacted me a lot lately was my interactions with my furry friends. I've had a really, REALLY, rough 6-7 months and somehow i was able to keep it together; for a while there i was sure i was going to get pretty pathetic grades in my courses (turns out you can be lazy and finish a class with at least a B). In that time there have been some very key people, close friends, who i felt were absent. I guess i would say i felt very isolated. I started to re-examine some of my friendships and i didn't really like what i was seeing. I guess i just don't feel valued by some of the friends i held dear. And maybe its my fault in a way for letting it be that way. So i'm going to try to prioritize people who are more considerate towards me instead of chasing after people.
I'm just thankful for the people who have been there for me during this time and I think they have really helped keep me together and help me feel some sort of comfort when i've felt weak and i wont forget that. I guess with everyone else i'm going to have to re-evaluate. All these changes are good things and me helping myself, its just hard sometimes. It's important to have boundaries and let people know how you feel and maybe i have to let my friends know when im not okay and when they've done something to upset me. I might have to do things very differently and be more vocal.
I guess this journal is just me getting my feelings out and letting people know if i am okay or not. its good advice from my counselor; you need to have boundaries and communicate those with people and you're allowed to make yourself heard when someone upsets you. Communicating with people involves letting them know when youre not okay, because we all need help sometimes. I just want to be a better person, a better me and i think im on the right track, it just happens to be a bumpy road.
I havent been okay lately, but maybe soon i will be. I'm going to try to be okay for Christmas; It only comes once a year.
-Goodnight
I actually really felt a wave of...defeat wash over me as i started to process that i have been dealing with depression. Why? Because now i have a problem and know it by its name. They're called depression and anxiety. Now something is wrong with me. And then i was reminded to all the people over the years who i knew who had depression and i felt even more defeated because...I guess that's what it could be like where I completely isolate myself from my friends or start being inconsiderate of people because i'm too in my own head. I guess I'm just scared of being a shell of a person. The good news is im dealing with it. Anxiety still hits me sometimes and some days i feel less than stellar but after my exams ended last week i started to feel a little better. Still, sometimes when the sun goes down i start to feel a bout of anxiety and depression.
Thankfully, in my time going to therapy and meditating with my journal, i've sort of began to boil down where my depression and anxiety started and the other things that cause me to feel depressed. Its getting better but it also involves a lot of personal change that is going...well?
One thing that has impacted me a lot lately was my interactions with my furry friends. I've had a really, REALLY, rough 6-7 months and somehow i was able to keep it together; for a while there i was sure i was going to get pretty pathetic grades in my courses (turns out you can be lazy and finish a class with at least a B). In that time there have been some very key people, close friends, who i felt were absent. I guess i would say i felt very isolated. I started to re-examine some of my friendships and i didn't really like what i was seeing. I guess i just don't feel valued by some of the friends i held dear. And maybe its my fault in a way for letting it be that way. So i'm going to try to prioritize people who are more considerate towards me instead of chasing after people.
I'm just thankful for the people who have been there for me during this time and I think they have really helped keep me together and help me feel some sort of comfort when i've felt weak and i wont forget that. I guess with everyone else i'm going to have to re-evaluate. All these changes are good things and me helping myself, its just hard sometimes. It's important to have boundaries and let people know how you feel and maybe i have to let my friends know when im not okay and when they've done something to upset me. I might have to do things very differently and be more vocal.
I guess this journal is just me getting my feelings out and letting people know if i am okay or not. its good advice from my counselor; you need to have boundaries and communicate those with people and you're allowed to make yourself heard when someone upsets you. Communicating with people involves letting them know when youre not okay, because we all need help sometimes. I just want to be a better person, a better me and i think im on the right track, it just happens to be a bumpy road.
I havent been okay lately, but maybe soon i will be. I'm going to try to be okay for Christmas; It only comes once a year.
-Goodnight
More people have depression and anxiety than many realize, much of it being undiagnosed, you're not alone Raymond, many people have what you have, I do, and i'm sure much of this fandom does as well, same for people you see out there on the street. You're not alone, you're surrounded by folks that understand exactly what you're going through. You're not weak for having these problems, rathermore, you're very strong because you're being challenged more and have to struggle harder than others just to make it through each and every day. The journey through life isn't easy, I know that one very well, but it is doable, and with some help now and then, you'll make it, just as many have done so before.