Hey everyone, what's up?

Sorry it's been so long since my last journal, things have been getting in the way the last couple of months, as usual. Struggles with depression and dysphoria not withstanding, I've also been able to do some good things to hopefully offset all the bad. I attended my little sister's wedding earlier this month and took a long break from work to do so, and I managed to have two successful interviews for potential teaching jobs with a state charter school- both of which I'm on the school's "short list" for whenever they start hiring or a need arises in my area.

However, sad to say, things haven't been all sunshine and rainbows. Again, I've been struggling with depression and dysphoria as of late, and my own fears of seeking a therapist (that what I say will somehow make it back to my parents, that they'll tell me I need to start HRT when I can't afford it or the blood-test to determine dosage amounts or potential complications, that they'll tell me I'm not trans and it's all in my head, etc), compounded with worries about how society will react to me if/when I come out (I live in a red state (Oklahoma), after all, and while some people nice, they don't represent the whole, bible-thumping, church-on-every-corner majority of the place, say nothing of my conservative parents and their view on LGBTQ+ people), or how it will affect my search for a job. And speaking of jobs, I recently found out that, after 10 years with this retail company I've worked for out of necessity, I'm only making $11-something an hour. Erroneously, a new hire told me that they make the same amount- which we found out later was incorrect- and that moment... That truly crushed me. It was like a punch to the gut, all the work I've done, the work ethic I've maintained in the face of the other employees' laziness and disrespect to my shift, the managers' blase attitude towards us and their tendency to delegate things they don't want to do to us and increase our workload... It felt like someone slapped me in the face and told me that I don't matter.

I took a half-day after that, thankfully I have time saved up to where I can do that, but it still, it affected me. I can't keep going like this, can't stay in retail like I've been doing. It doesn't pay enough for me to stay, it won't get me to where I need to go. Trying to find a teaching job is all well and good, but with what I want to try and do in the future, it won't sustain that goal- because I bet I'd be kicked out when I start living full time or would be subject to so much ridicule and hate that I would eventually quit for the sake of my own mental health. So, I've been sending out some more applications as of late, and I've also been considering doing some freelance editing and or writing.

So, I'll ask you, my followers, you kind people who put up with my weirdness and long periods of silence, what can you offer me as far as advice in this pickle I've found myself in? Advice on steps towards talking to a therapist, on potentially starting HRT in a less-than-welcoming environment, on dealing with depression/dysphoria, on potentially starting freelancing as an editor or writer and what to expect or do in order to maximize productivity/payment to keep myself afloat and alive while pursuing goals?

That's basically the purpose of this journal: to catch people up on what's been happening and what I've been dealing with in the past four months, and to ask for some advice.

Thank you all for sticking with me through this. I know I don't post as much as other creatives or members of this site, but I appreciate the help and kindness all the same. Hope this journal finds you all well and I'll look forward to talking with you all again soon. Until then, stay safe out there, stay awesome, and keep up the amazing work!!

- Lena.