I've got a lot on my mind, a lot of words I must say, indirectly. A place to dump my pained cries.

In my recent journal about 2019, I talked about how the only thing I wanted anymore was love, was someone to share my life with. Makes sense, if I am as accomplished as I like to believe, it only makes sense that that's the next thing to fight for, yes? Well, in early January, Zenith and I had an intimate conversation about how we felt about each other, and oh man, was I uplifted! I felt complete, I woke up every morning ready for everything. Everything I was working for had a destination, now.

I went to see him again that month, for a whole week this time. Though I had missed some classes and therapy appointments, It was amazing and towards the end, we made things official. I rode home at night across the peninsula in negative temperatures and rain, but I made it home. He was worth the frigid cold and the catch-up work that awaited me. We kept in touch regularly. Not soon after I returned home, he had to drive out to Idaho for work. I had planned to come out and visit him for Valentine's day, I made sure I had the time off, which I did. The last time I spoke to him, I wished him a good day on the morning of January 29th. And that was the last i'd heard from him. Just gone. A few days went by, and I figured he'd just been busy. I mean, that's what I've learned after all this time, is that they're always just busy. And then it became one week. I saw him post on Tumblr, so I knew he had the spare time to use his phone. I tried reaching out to him on there. I tried reaching out to him in every capacity short of riding there in-person. I did eventually get a hold of him,though! I called his workplace and an unsuspecting employee handed him the phone. He meowed at me, as he always did, and told me that we was just hit with a 7-day work week and that he'd talk to me later. Nerves eased.

Then it became two weeks, I could handle it. I felt forlorn. My good friend Emboof came down to visit me, which did help, but even then, I could feel a bomb in my stomach ticking down, but the tears would run. Valentines day came and went, I figured I'd moved on and I met a really nice guy with whom we shared many interests. He was also close by, so that helped!
Three weeks, and he still hadn't read any of my messages. Yep, it was over, I could just feel it.
I attended a party this weekend and got pretty fucked up. I don't remember what set me off, but I just started thinking about him and proceeded to bawl. Fate had forsaken me because as I was crying in the living room, a song that i'd discovered while dating him came on, and that threw me over the edge. There were a lot of people trying to comfort and calm me down. But I still had more tears to shed.
I made my way to the bathroom so I could isolate myself from the crowd. I tried calling Zenith twice. After the second attempt, I didn't even hang up, I just threw my phone across the bathroom, at the door.

The thud attracted the attention of my friend Shavii, who undid the lock to get to me. He took my phone away from me and placed me in his room. I was joined by Ash, Halloween Fox (or was it wolf?), and ican'tbelieveiforgothisname. Still crying, I was telling Ash abut Zenith. And he recognized who I was talking about. I showed him a picture and he confirmed it.
Yep, Zenith was interested in Ash at one point. Would drive up to visit him. And then Zenith ghosted him for 4 months before crawling back to try and explain. And that's when I finally began to calm down I wasn't the only one! It's not me! It wasn't me! My mood quickly picked up, and I become less and less drunk.

So, I sent him one last message on Telegram before blocking him and moving on, for once.

Where do I go from here? I don't know, honestly. I'm fucking fed up with falling in love with furries. It's sickening. It's degrading and poisonous. No one I've met is ready to commit to a relationship. And every furry couple I know is either open or is poly. It's the norm. Now, when I'm just scraping by, I'll partake in this, I'll sleep around just to feel useful or admired. It's a nice way to get external validation. But it's not enough.
I've lost all hope. I've grown to despise everyone in my local furry community. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I feel envious to the point where I'm beginning to wonder why I want a relationship anymore. Is it because I truly want a partner, or is it to spite everyone else?

Which ever the answer is, I won't find it here. Oh no, I won't find it in this fucking community. Love the art, not gonna lie, but man, the people are fucking backwards. Some have been kind, some have been antagonistic, and the rest are just passive, but they all have that one thing in common.
Maybe I just fall for the wrong people, who knows! I know who I love, it's rare that I feel so strongly for someone, so when shit like this happens, it is crushing. I want to self destruct, I want to throw it all away. I want a target, I want someone to be angry at. I almost took it out on an old friend of mine after cleaning through my Twitter messages, but I stopped myself.

Because it's not your fault.

It's clear I just don't fit in with furries, typicals, or any community I can imagine. I hate that fact. I want to bash my head against the wall. I want to put a bullet through my skull. I want to stop struggling, to stop feeling this pain. I don't want to be the outcast, I don't want to be sloppy-seconds, or someone's side-slut. I'm not the blood in my veins.

I want to be one half of a bigger picture.

I won't find my worth underneath someone else's skin, and I don't hold myself to a high enough regard to try and fight for success just for me. I don't know what to live for anymore.
I tried, didn't I? It's not Like I just gave up without making an attempt, without enduring one more hell.

give me an order, tell me what to do. I am slipping away.