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Birthday and Self-Discovery
6 years ago
General
Greetings everyone, today's my birthday!
So... Yeah, I'm 29 today. Not really much to say on the matter except, well, things feel... Different, than previous years, I suppose. In the past, though especially after I started questioning my gender identity in secret, birthdays were spent keeping the mask up and appearing happy and content for the sake of family and friends, while quietly mourning that another year had gone by where I hadn't done anything to address my feelings of being transgender and that I was "running out of time" in regards to making progress towards transitioning or feeling better about myself.
This year though? It's oddly different than before. There's still some sadness there of another year being as I am currently, but now? After having started to take steps towards a goal that has been silently languishing out of fear, paranoia, and doubt this whole time? There's a bit of light shining through that makes it easier to bear. Like, it's not about what I've failed to accomplish in the past, but rather what I am going to accomplish going forward.
I didn't mention it in my last journal, but I started seeing a licensed gender therapist a couple weeks ago. They have been nothing but open and welcoming to me, and it feels so good to be able to air the feelings, fears, insecurities, and desires that I've had to keep hidden for so long out, lest others find out and judge me for it. In this judgement-free environment, I've been able to explore more of myself, and in only two sessions there's been a lot that I've started realizing. Not only that, but according to my coworkers- who are still in the dark about my being trans but know I've been seeing a therapist for my anxiety (which is partially why I've been going too)- I look happier than usual, and in a lot of ways I've seen my mood start to improve as well.
All this in mind, this year, I'm a little more optimistic on my birthday than I've been in the past. I still have some things in my life that I'd prefer to be better, and I have a ways to go in addressing them and working towards future goals. But that I've taken steps to improve myself at all have apparently given me pause for thought. Maybe even hope that things will actually start getting better.
I hope this journal finds you all well, and I look forward to talking with you again in the future. Until then, stay safe out there, stay awesome, and keep up the amazing work!
- Lena.
So... Yeah, I'm 29 today. Not really much to say on the matter except, well, things feel... Different, than previous years, I suppose. In the past, though especially after I started questioning my gender identity in secret, birthdays were spent keeping the mask up and appearing happy and content for the sake of family and friends, while quietly mourning that another year had gone by where I hadn't done anything to address my feelings of being transgender and that I was "running out of time" in regards to making progress towards transitioning or feeling better about myself.
This year though? It's oddly different than before. There's still some sadness there of another year being as I am currently, but now? After having started to take steps towards a goal that has been silently languishing out of fear, paranoia, and doubt this whole time? There's a bit of light shining through that makes it easier to bear. Like, it's not about what I've failed to accomplish in the past, but rather what I am going to accomplish going forward.
I didn't mention it in my last journal, but I started seeing a licensed gender therapist a couple weeks ago. They have been nothing but open and welcoming to me, and it feels so good to be able to air the feelings, fears, insecurities, and desires that I've had to keep hidden for so long out, lest others find out and judge me for it. In this judgement-free environment, I've been able to explore more of myself, and in only two sessions there's been a lot that I've started realizing. Not only that, but according to my coworkers- who are still in the dark about my being trans but know I've been seeing a therapist for my anxiety (which is partially why I've been going too)- I look happier than usual, and in a lot of ways I've seen my mood start to improve as well.
All this in mind, this year, I'm a little more optimistic on my birthday than I've been in the past. I still have some things in my life that I'd prefer to be better, and I have a ways to go in addressing them and working towards future goals. But that I've taken steps to improve myself at all have apparently given me pause for thought. Maybe even hope that things will actually start getting better.
I hope this journal finds you all well, and I look forward to talking with you again in the future. Until then, stay safe out there, stay awesome, and keep up the amazing work!
- Lena.
I hope this is a good upturn for you with your therapist and the year improves more and more!
*hugs* Feel free to reach out to me as I'm on this same journey.
I know what you mean up top about all that, running out of time and feeling apprehensive. I don't know how much it's helped but I do generally feel stronger this way.
And, I know my therapist said that they can't decide when I've hit some nonexistent threshold that says, "Okay, you're officially 100% dyed-in-the-wool trans, you can start taking titty-skittles now," and that only I get to decide when I'm ready and their main job is to help me on my journey, it's that same old fear that's holding me back. It's something I hope that talking with them will help me overcome so I can hopefully at least start before the end of the year this year if it's right for me.
*Hugs tight,* And thanks, for offering to help out, Lauren. It's good to know I'm not on this journey alone. You and my other friends who are walking a similar path who have offered aid in one way or another, I cherish those gestures of sincere kindness and good-will. I really truly do