To be honest, I needed to put this somewhere on my page, so decided to throw it into a journal. This is not a pretty journal, but it serves the purpose to explain why I always had something depressing on my page rather than anything positive. I don’t want to people to come worrying about me, so please don’t. I doubt anyone reads these anyways, but if you take the time to go through it... just don’t worry about me, alright? I’ll be fine, I always am, I make it through... one day at a time...

Perpetual depression. So you want to know me and decided to take the time to read this? Well here’s a run down of the kind of person behind this screen. I’m a depressive person nearly all year round and the person behind the screen absolutely hates himself. To be honest I hope my time on this planet is short as time and time again it has proven to be hell. I’m not saying I would do anything drastic, but I damn well would take a bullet to save lives at a robbery, or hope that one day a bus can slam into me. I’m a pessimistic person, mainly because my entire life I’ve been bullied from peers, teachers, and even my own councilors who encouraged it. I’ve been abused by a parent who had anger issues and had to bring her to court. I’ve been left out from making friends and being able to express myself. I’ve had my oldest friends backstab me for countless reasons, completely crushing my soul. I’ve been forced into a career by my parents, and though I enjoy it, I have to go to college for nearly 15% of lifetime for, only so I can fit in with society. I have to go through a major I hate and absolutely dread, being my weakest point, all the while my parents continue to bicker and best me down, striping me of self worth if I even fail a single class, even if they themselves haven’t even gone past 3 years in college. They say I’m not smart, constantly degrading me. I’m poor, living with one of my parents day to day to focus solely on college to make sure I can even make it into law school. If I don’t make it into my career I honestly have no clue what I’ll do with my life... so yes, I’m fucking depressed. No, no one can help me but myself. I’m not an introvert, so I feel dead inside when no one talks to me or ever invites me to play a game. I feel absolutely crushed when people forget about me and go off and get art with others, all the while I’m sitting on the sidelines crying, wishing I would just vanish from this god forsaken planet. People say I need to get out there and make friends, but how can I when all my life I’ve been forced to sit at the back, degraded by everyone, never approached by anyone. How can I stay positive when the world around me has treated me like a floor mat? I’ve had less than ten people I would call friends in my lifetime, and every one of them has nearly betrayed me. I have no trust, no insensitive to actually go out there and make friends, because I full know well that one day they’ll throw me out like trash. Have you ever been given a gift in your life? Guess what, I haven’t. I’ve only received gifts from my family, no one outside of it except on a few occasions. Any gifts I received are categorized in my gallery, and I’ve only ever received one game (Fairly recently by a friend upon writing this). You know, I used to give out well over $300ish of games a year to friends, just because I was that nice. Want to know what happened? No one even bothered playing them with me... in fact, most just ignore me or blocked me after a bit, and these were people I would call my old known friends. I refuse to give out free stuff now these days, people have stripped me of everything, my kindness, my positivity, and my self worth. I’m a damn cynic. No one cares in this world, be honest. Yes, I love day to day crying myself to sleep nearly, watching people being happy with partners and friends, all the while I will always be on the sidelines. Maybe one day I’ll get my law job, making about a million per year in income so I can just bathe myself in art or whatever... I mean it won’t make me happy, but I guess I’ll take what I can get. It’s not only just a lack of friends but also a partner. I dated someone sweet for three years and while the relationship ended rather fine, I doubt anyone will ever even bother to want to date me again. I’m not anywhere near good looking and I doubt any woman would even dare to approach me in a million mile radius. I haven’t had a single woman even dare approach me willingly in my lifetime... so that doesn’t help to much with my confidence of ever being able to find someone who I can actually care about. Every day goes by and I hope at some point someone hold me at gunpoint, so I can walk towards them and press that gun right to my head, because I don’t have the courage to do it myself. No, I’m not suicidal, but inside I am dead. This is what I call perpetual depression. None of this can be ever be fixed. Want to know a man who has emotional scars for life? It’s me. I push people away, not because I want to but because I’m shy; I don’t want to hurt people. I have bad rage in games when it comes to pvp, because truthfully, I suck at games. I utterly suck at the only thing in my life that helps with stress. My attitude pushes people away and I have lost friends because of it, or upset many people. People laugh about my rage, and they’re right... I hate it myself, I hate myself because of it. I hate myself more than any other person on this planet, because I’m not strong enough to hold myself together. I’ve held myself for years, keeping my emotions pent in, but eventually it comes out, and that’s what my depression is. It’s an never ending cycle. Should you get to know me? No. Why? Because I’m nothing special, and I’ll only do harm.

Edit: Added this on a few weeks later because this is another issue that has been killing me the past months and even years with some people. Art splitting. This has been a massive pain emotionally, when multiple people say they want to split and get art with me, then proceed to throw me away or completely forget about me. They then proceed to go get art with others as if I never existed. Art splitting is incredibly hard for myself... since it seems no one ever wants to get art with me... guess it’s because my characters are just plain and boring. Honestly I’ve been considering just cutting off any splits and just saying no to them, since nearly 2/3 of them just end up hurting my depression even worse. Guess I’m just not popular enough to be like others who get the chance to split with everyone else in the world.