I did not delete the journal because of "Sweeping under the rug"

I deleted it because I did not want to have a discussion like this. I simply posted what was going on with me, that was it. I didn't want to hear politics and fighting, especially when I have bigger fish to fry. Such as getting income and keeping my supplies in check.

...This is exactly what I'm talking about. Discussing the ability to earn income and supplies literally IS politics especially right now and yet you're here pretending like it's somehow something far removed and irrelevant. Serious discussion is not fighting.

Gotta agree with you here. I wish there was a like button or something similar on this website.

So you call me ignorant because I deleted a journal?

I suppose I should have been more clear in saying, the comment you made only reinforced my point. As it's a rather complicated issue that I've been dealing with for years rather than just one single thing, so to frame it that way is quite dishonest. Essentially, it's not the sole issue, or even one specific action necessarily specific to any one individual, but rather I am saying that such an action, as your response, is engaging in behavior that encourages ignorance and contributes to the problem.

I can (at least sort of) understand what you're saying and where you are coming from. If I've ever been that person in the past, I want to apologize right now. The only reason I say "sort of" is because I have not directly walked in your shoes. I don't want to say that I am well-versed in your problems when, obviously, I am nowhere near that.

If you ever need someone to vent your frustrations to, I'd be down to listen. I don't do the advice thing, but I can hold a space to listen.

Again, I apologize for the times I've been that ignorant person in the past. Not sure if this means anything, but I'd like to think that since beginning college 2 years ago, I've been (at least sort of) improving the manner in which I address people.

TLDR (possibly? Hope that didn't sound rude); I certainly agree with your points, and I apologize for being that ignorant person in the past.

Ok, not an "if I've ever been that person" because I realize I have been that person in the past especially... I mean when I have been "that person."

While appreciated, you don't need to apologize! We've already worked out any issues of the past afterall and I'd like to think we're on good terms! Honestly I can't recall you ever really being much like this as even in the past you tended to be a fairly thoughtful person who at least makes the effort to consider the things others say. Though there isn't much more to vent about than what I've already said, that offer is appreciated as well. I will admit to not responding to journals as much as I'd like to, but that doesn't have to do with you personally as its more because of the community as a whole, with the potential of having dishonest people come along who harass or argue in bad faith.

I think you work really hard in being introspective, trying to be the best you can be, and honest with your feelings, and that's admirable especially when people often put others down for those things. When dealing with serious topics people tend to assume hostility no matter how tactful one tries to be, and although I still have improvement to do, I've come to think that's more of a cultural issue than personal due to how I've seen others being treated for merely speaking on some topics.

I'm gonna be honest, that's a BIG weight lifted off my shoulders. Thank you. I've thought about some of the things I've said in the past that you've called me out on (justifiably) and for years I didn't know if I was forgiven. (to be fair I am a very anxious person and I never know if I've been forgiven for real tbh)

Again, thank you.

As someone who doesn't deal well with ambiguity, I definitely can understand feeling that way. It's really anxiety-inducing when you don't know where you stand with people since it's more socially accepted to just pretend like nothing happened.

I'd rather someone straight up tell me I did or said something wrong or hurtful because that way I can then know to stop a harmful behavior and work on mending the damage. I always worry about people being upset with me without me even knowing about it. It hurts to think about how people will be "nice" to your face but think badly about you without you even knowing or having the opportunity to do anything about it.

I try to be as straightforward as I can so that at least other people don't have to worry that I'm not being honest with them, especially since it's far too emotionally taxing on me to be dishonest. I think for most people, it's often hard to believe when other people say positive things because they could just be saying them to be "polite". For me, whether I have positive or negative things to say, I actually mean it. And even if it's negative, it's not in order to try to tear others down, but rather to give them the opportunity to be aware of it and to do better. Even though it can be unpleasant for both parties, as I certainly don't enjoy saying negative things, it's ultimately for the benefit of everyone. Though that can be a double-edged sword since while I try to be gentle, too much "sugar coating" leads to the message not getting through clearly, but with any degree of straightforwardness, most people tend to just cover their ears and act defensively without listening to what is even being said and think you're trying to say they're a bad person. And it does hurt when I'm really trying my best to help even if leaves me vulnerable, and put in a lot of effort only to be ignored or silenced.

I've actually been told I'm forgiving...somehow, despite personally feeling otherwise. I guess it's because many people just react without actually listening, or even sorry without even really understanding what they're sorry for. I often have more of an issue with things like that, as it hurts me more to have my concerns just shrugged off and not being taken seriously than whatever they might have done initially. I just want my concerns to be taken seriously, so when people actually do that, then of course they deserve kindness and forgiveness :)

I agree with that last part for sure! It's important to take others' concerns seriously.
I also cannot be dishonest... Although I've had my troubles with sugarcoating, but I'd like to think I am working on that. :P

honestly I'm the same .w. I would rather have someone (privately and politely) bring it up with me instead of pretending.

we can see people being gross/pricks/buttholes but we can't call them out and get away with it ono

while i don't know the context of this, i'll give my two cents anyway .w.

I cant exactly pinpoint the reason(s) people spread false factoids, but a few come to mind:
-being told "respect authority" but failing to define "authority" itself
-echo chambers and confirmation bias
-dunning-kruger effect
-the "us vs them" mindset with the 2 party system

i don't know what caused this rant type journal, but I can somewhat understand why you'd think so, as well as why people would want to avoid heated stuff at times. it's definitely not why I'm here so I'd rather save such serious stuff for another time. ono

hope you are feeling better about stuff soon. if you want an open ear you can ask for my discord via note .w.

I can understand avoiding serious topics to some extent as, like you said that's not why people are here, it can be cathartic to focus on escapism. However, often I find people DO bring up serious or political topics, and then get upset when people are serious or discuss politics...when they were the person who brought it up in the first place.

Honestly I think people just tend to not think before they say things. They're not really thinking about how their words affect others and sometimes don't even understand what they're saying. I don't think it's necessarily out of malice, but it is thoughtless and irresponsible.

And thank you for the offer, I'm mostly feeling alright now, but it's comforting to know that people care.

I admit my ignorance and naivity. Though, in the least, I hope I have shown improvement through our friendship over the years.

I fall short in a lot of conversational areas. However I strive to be more informed and open with each inaccuracy I present and have corrected through information I was not already aware of.

*Sighs* I do strive to be a force for optimism and positivity. Though I have been aware of where I'm flawed and accept doing what I can to learn from these flaws as to not repeat them.

Part of taking active responsibility for something is not writing about it in the passive voice.

Passive voice? Like it comes off like I'm being passive in my effort to be understanding and respectful?

Or, perhaps, passive in the way it is worded?

*Sighs* I hope I grow in being able to be more neutral and respectful. I never have the 'intent' of saying anything off-putting. Though 'intent' is not what matters as it was something I did say and, again, I only hope I can improve myself with more time.

Hey Yosh. It's taken me some time to respond to this-- even as I've thought about it practically every day-- because I'm fighting a nasty flu after all the craziness at work for a week. This is going to be a rather long response, which I know can be taxing to go through on a screen reader. I'm sorry.

You ask which way I mean passive? Honestly? BOTH, though I'm glad you can at least recognize both because recognizing a problem is the first step to solving.

Your wording...
You know I love you, but your writing is suffused with euphemism. It groans under the weight of clause after clause. You and I have joked about how you won't use 2 words when 4 would do. It's something that's maybe just irritating to forgivable if you're writing fiction for yourself, but it kills sincereity and effective communication. It comes off as overly polite, or a way to cover up hard facts, or to inflate something by using a euphemistic term.But this verbosity... you use it as a shield for so much. Like, the above could have been more succinctly put by saying. "I'm sorry. I was wrong. I', leaning and want to do better." But there's very little direct responsibility in this response to Skye. Stuff just sort of nebulously happens in vague tenses.

You've been made to feel bad about things you like, so your anxiety manifests itself in this way of you trying to add this distance to so much of what you write. I mean even in your "in depth" journal, and elsewhere, you can't just say you like diapers, you have to say "penchant for padded undergarments". Skye said it really well: "I think a lot of people made you feel really bad about yourself for things you can't help, and it understandably leads you to harm yourself with these thoughts as a result. ".

" passive in my effort to be understanding and respectful?"

Oh my god, yes. I'm actually glad that you're realizing this because I've been running out of ways to try and help you realize this. Skye and I have (apparently) both talked to you often about the same things-- regarding orientation, sexual desire, gender, and gender stereotypes, with apparently the same results.

It is frustrating as hell to keep putting in effort and explanations based on lived experience, time after time, to see the impact be limited. Or for the marginalized people affected have to reach out to you and correct you instead of being asked privately and respectively, or you doing research (like, besides message board posts).

You want to be accepted or liked so badly that you struggle to set appropriate boundaries-- I don't just mean like what you went through with your wife, or you finding a balance between disclosing too much or too litle, or even how you are treated by others. I mean, like with other people you associate with too. Often, you would take people who maybe shared a common fandom or common interest or people who were nice to you... and then not stand against them when they say or do hurtful things. Your instinct to go along to get along can hurt more than just yourself, it can be hurtful to others.

Like, I would be one of the few people to push back against the homophobic, biphobic, and transphobic things that Starponys would say. While you did nothing. Skye, valiantly, pushed back against his Islamaphobia, his bigotry, his homopbia in the in depth journal. In both cases.. you were silent.

I feel less safe because you have not spoken out. I feel less valued, less respected and less welcome because you continue to allow and to associate with him. A man you frigging touted at having a "superior understanding of the word of God" even as he spews bigotry and misinformation in your own comments section!

You and I are both believers in the importance of "being kind". When I say "being kind"', I don't mean "Be Falteringly Nice To All", because that inevitably means giving a pass to awful people who will then hurt others. Kindness does not include abusers or bigots or those who stand by and let them do what they want because stepping in would upset their sensibilities or disadvantage their status quo. That will often include people you know.

Kindness is also standing up for yourself and others when they need it, sometimes aggressively.

Don't "hope you can improve yourself in time" as if the improvement is some distant action that occurs vaguely, somehow. Be better. I know you are capable of it!

If you are feeling defensive, let me remind you that these are not attacks. There is no hostility here. I point these things out because I care about you and I also believe you want to listen and want to improve. I care about you, and about others your actions and choices can affect.

I know saying “don’t feel guilty” might not stop you from feeling guilty. I just ask that if you do, you remind yourself of your worth, and hope that doing so minimizes it if you do feel any sort of guilt. I know none of this was malicious. Hopefull you can use that energy to reflect and see what changed you can make in, and for, yourself.

*Nods* I spent my most recent tele-therapy session discussing this part of myself. I've also noticed how I have become so bashfully neutral that I do not feel comfortable lashing out at anyone if I feel I can work with them towards being more accepting and understanding.

So, overall, I'm kind to a fault. The scary part is how Skye pointed out how my neutrality does no good as there are people who follow me who may wonder why I never confront others. I fall quite in-line as one of those good people doing nothing.

The discussions with you and Skye allowed me to look far deeper in yesterday's therapy session. In doing so, I realized how, for as long as I can remember, I've never had positive outcomes from conflict.

My dad would say something, I'd argue back, he'd get louder-and-louder and would not stop smashing his wants upon me until he got his way. I remember, in my teens, just giving up on fighting back as all it achieved was a shouting fest until he got his way anyway.

In my previous two jobs, I had people telling me what a blind person 'should' be doing. I pressed against it and all they did was turn up the pressure before simply telling me "Our way, or the highway" and, well, the highway it was.

In my current position, I off-and-on attempted to fight for additional accountability from software developers to enhance accessibility. I even managed to get an Accessibility Teacher (AT) who could work with the developer organizations when they came in for meeting about updates. However, each time I reminded them of her availability, I got no response. Eventually I just realized the company is going to do what it is going to do.

2019 was a crushing year with the company as I attempted to press back on decisions made that ostracized customers of low income, special needs, and/or elder age. I would present my findings from discussions and be told, basically, "These people just don't want to change, or are refusing to adapting to the times.". I would push back on how we are just playing 'follow the leader' as we are not giving a 'replacement benefit' for taking away simplicity. This, of course, was given the reply of, "This is the current market and we must go with what the current market is becoming."

From Jly onward, I was continually repressed and cut off from everyone as it got to where I wasn't even allowed to share helpful advice, which I had proven and noticed consistent customer statements on. They kept saying I lacked 'leadership skills' and had no 'store support experience' when I kept asking about it over-and-over and nobody gave me the time to learn. There was also promises to get familiar with new systems at the customer level that never happened.

I, only now, see how I fell into my own trap with Tina. She, like my dad, would fight me on anything she disagreed with and not listen to anything from me due to how she got hardcore defensive. :(

I know I am seen as a 'leader'. However, like I discussed in therapy, I am not the kind of leader who can do what needs to be done. I want to do something about it, but I don't know how I can given how I have never won any battle I fought.

I hope I can get better and will try to get better. However I am notably more comfortable in someone else taking that lead and allowing me to support. I just feel so vulnerable to the world and I do not know, yet, how to take away 40 years of oppression. *Sighs*

This was refreshingly direct and honest. I am very proud of you.

In regards to you saying that you are "notably more comfortable in someone else taking that lead and allowing me to support", then I should let you know that you can take action on that right now.

Remember how I've said that "not taking a side" actually is taking a side, because it upholds the status quo & people take silence for assent? That's hapenning right now, in your own space.

Starponys, who has spewed homophobia, biphobia and transphobia in the past in your comments section is now adding in misogyny, doubling down on homophobia, and throwing in Islamophic statements. He is doing so, even as Skye and I had "taken the lead" in pushing back. He has singled out your friendship with him to Skye to try and shut them down and is literally taking your silence as assent and approval.

Interesting... I actually have been exchanging letters with Skye and Starponys since this nasty thing got started.

This morning, I made a more direct reply in how the best course of action, even if they disagree, is to take in the information, don't feel a need to be defensive, and continue to work towards being more accepting and understanding to themselves and others.

One thing I learned very early on is that, if I keep my cool, I can gleam a lot from what may seem like an attack on me, my beliefs, etc. It took practice, and customer service, to make this happen. However it is my hope that my most recent explanation will stop the ongoing battle as, truly, if things get to the point they are at now, it really is best to stop, breathe, think, and look back on what all has been shared. From here you learn how to communicate with the other person so you don't come off aggressive, ignorant, etc.

Skye is as important a friend as you, egg brother. I will continue to try and do what I am able to ensure stability through understanding in all interactions.

Yosh.

"Sonic Colors is a better game than Sonic Mania" vs "No it's not!" is a disagreement.

"Is a hot dog able to be classified as an open faced sandwich" is a disagreement.

Islamophobic statements are not disagreements. Homophobic statements are not disagreements. Saying things that deny the humanity of gay, lesbian and bi people are not disagreements.

When you let these things publicly stand, you are indicating approval.

The fact that I have not seen you push back against of the things he's been saying make me feel less safe. Like... I don't see how I can make things any more clear... help me out?

I actually feel like lately you've gotten noticeably worse in that department. Not necessarily because of a lack of effort - really, you've been going through so much these past few years I can't really blame you for it. People tend to act a lot more thoughtlessly when under stress. I imagine it's also much harder to keep track of conversations given your situation, so I've noticed you seem to forget what we were even talking about sometimes. I don't really want to give you a hard time about anything because it would be unfair to you. Still, if you wish we could have a more indepth discussion via PM or other means about these things.

I appreciate your honesty, Skye. I have worried my ongoing struggles have compromised me in ways that I'm not fully aware of. :(

I'll get to a PM and will do all I can to get better through doing more listening.