As time goes on, I'm becoming more and more convinced that true consensual sex may be relatively rare, possibly even an illusion. I feel I might have railroaded someone into a sexual situation, or had others railroad people into doing stuff with me, or with them, etc. All too often, people, instead of genuinely consenting, just resign themselves to sex, for some weird reason. In some cases, they think it would help keep the friendship together, or something similarly bad.

As I explore my past, I've become more disgusted at what I've seen and been through. If I had a time machine, and could go back in time to erase past sexual experiences, I'd probably erase everything from everyone, except from, maybe, two or three people, tops. Sex makes me feel gross, predatory, evil, like I might hurt someone, or be hurt by someone, etc. I'm too old for this shit.

Even in this age of affirmative consent, yes means yes, etc., I suspect, even that won't be enough. as people feeling resignation to proceed with an encounter, will just say "yes" to get it over with. It's way too dangerous to be a sexual creature in a world of such sexual immaturity. I wish I could just snap it out of existence, and start over. But alas. I'm burnt out, I have no more interest, and I may be done, forever. It's been over half a decade of soul searching on this. Every time I think I resolved this issue to some satisfaction, I find something else in my memories which makes me realize that I can't trust anyone, even myself. The only thing I can do, is move on, as an asexual being.

I'm worried this may be affecting my writing, as well. I need to still be able to write sex scenes, and feel good about doing so. As of now, I've been very busy, but also stuck with crippling writers block.