Today I have come to the realization that I may never be more than average in terms of talent when I try to create something. That I will never be able to make something that will let others feel something. Perhaps saying that I only came to this realization today is wrong. Perhaps I’ve known for a while that I will never attain the same level of skill as the other creators I follow on sites I visit. Maybe it’s that I need to practice more in order to get better. But at the same time, I feel like no matter how much I practice, no matter how many courses or classes that I take, I will never have that raw, powerful, drive or passion or talent that separate the great ones from the rest of the ones who try. I have the creativity, the imagination to make something. One of my go to sayings is that at any given time I’ll has a million ideas racing through my head. But these things alone do not make something memorable or give a person the talent to make something that others go back to be it in real life to look or reread or watch something, or look back in memory in fondness. The people around me offer no real criticism apart from saying how much they liked it. I’m not saying that out of malice, merely that they do not have they experience or insight to offer anything to improve upon or that they only say those things in order to spare my feelings so as to not get discouraged. There is one person though who does give me honesty, as well as the knowledge to help, but I am so scared because of the complete truth that he gives. I can’t handle all the information he gives out to me at once. Maybe it hurts more because the guy kinda my hero. The one who I’m always so jealous of but also admire. The harsh truth is truth none the less but it doesn’t soften the blow that comes with it. We are on two different spectrums it feels like when it comes to writing. He writes for artistic types. For the scholars and philosophers to discuss. I want to write something that I can be proud of. Not only that but I constantly think of how upset I had made him over the holiday season. I’m not looking for material recognition…at least not yet, merely for someone to tell me in all honesty that I’m on the right track. That I have what it takes to make it as someone who can create something great.

Today though…today was just a reminder of me feeling average…You know it’s kinda funny…I’m on medication to help me with my OCD. The stuff also works to help treat people who are depressed. Yet ever since I started taking it, I keep feeling more existential, more depressed. I keep learning, relearning, uncovering things about myself that I never wished I knew about. Seems like I’ve just gotten one mental problem as I try to get rid of others.