Well Christmas has come and gone and I feel...sad. Depressed I suppose would probably be the correct term. I don't really know why I feel this way. Maybe it's the fact that fact that no one can deny how awful this year has been for the world. Maybe it's that when asked what I want for Christmas the was no answer I could give for something material and ended up with random stuff. Maybe it's that I feel like I'm not apart of the world. I just feel so hollow yet at the same time it's like there's this weight in my heart that's pulling down every part of me.

Now don't get me wrong, I love Christmas. The way things look with the lights, how everyone is nicer this time of year, all the pastries that fill the air, but even with all those haven't relieved me of what I feel. When I look at the Christmas movies, I don't feel the way I used to. Not to mention that my shoulder and neck hurt the entire time so I had to spend the day sitting in a chair watching TV when there was nothing good on (no access to Netflix or anything like that). I don't want to feel this way but I can't seem to stop myself from how I feel. Even now I find it hard to write this.

I am also reminded that I have seemed to have almost no accomplishments in my life. This in turn brings me to a fear of the future which seems to spike at this time of year. I am constantly afraid of loosing my family. I don't know why my mind has been going there lately it just has, especially recently. So yeah...that's what I've been feeling as of late.