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Random Void Screaming/Vent (May Delete Later)
5 years ago
General
All I wanna do right now is commission art of character ideas that I make up as a means of escaping my current hell-pit of an existence where I can't get hired in something in my degree field that'll let me sever ties with my conservative parents who I'm convinced will hate me when I come out and tell them that I want to transition and become a woman so I make characters that are trans and have successfully transitioned or get TFTG'd as a form of escapism, yet whenever I try to work up the courage to commission artists they either aren't open, don't take commissions, or I worry that I'm being a nuisance/annoying them just by asking and then I also start getting into a brain-lock-up as every idea I've had for ages starts competing for dominance and I worry whether or not it's frivolous to get art of something I'll never get to play in an RPG or won't use as often, and then I worry about spending money on something if it's really pricey because I keep thinking about what if I need it for a rainy day or if my parents disown me and I can't pay my bills and still want to transition but can't because of a lack of funds and hooray the spiral's back wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee down the depression hole I goooooooo!!
Yup.
That's my brain when trying to make myself do something for myself.
Add the fact that the world is being turned into a literal burning, disease-riddled Hellscape by a bunch of rich idiots who can dupe the drooling masses to believe they actually follow their contradictor feel-good coloring book, that I got passed over for a teaching position I was hoping to get because it'd be a way out of my current job that would get me somewhere more financially stable that I wouldn't hate with every fiber of my being and wouldn't fuel my depression screaming hidden behind that veneer of hopeful optimism every waking moment, that more and more my folks are showing me that if and when I do come out to them and tell them that I want to transition I'm likely to lose my family that raised me and supposedly loves me... Yeah, I'm admittedly not in the best place at the moment.
Hence the run-on sentences for venting that would normally make the English Lit. Major within me cringe to no end, but the creative writer within me somewhat proud of my stream-of-consciousness writing.
Apologies that my first journal in months is something raw and emotional rather than the usual optimism or plug to help a friend. Executive Dysfunction, Dysphoria, Depression, and Anxiety are the worst cocktail to have, especially in a time like the one the world finds itself in, particularly America, where we find ourselves run by a gaggle of brain-dead chihuahuas headed up by a coke-fiend orangutan that's recently had a stroke.
Hopefully things will be better soon. (There's that optimism again, trying to peek through)
In the meantime, might delete this later, but for now, it is what it is. Talk to you all again later.
- Lena.
Yup.
That's my brain when trying to make myself do something for myself.
Add the fact that the world is being turned into a literal burning, disease-riddled Hellscape by a bunch of rich idiots who can dupe the drooling masses to believe they actually follow their contradictor feel-good coloring book, that I got passed over for a teaching position I was hoping to get because it'd be a way out of my current job that would get me somewhere more financially stable that I wouldn't hate with every fiber of my being and wouldn't fuel my depression screaming hidden behind that veneer of hopeful optimism every waking moment, that more and more my folks are showing me that if and when I do come out to them and tell them that I want to transition I'm likely to lose my family that raised me and supposedly loves me... Yeah, I'm admittedly not in the best place at the moment.
Hence the run-on sentences for venting that would normally make the English Lit. Major within me cringe to no end, but the creative writer within me somewhat proud of my stream-of-consciousness writing.
Apologies that my first journal in months is something raw and emotional rather than the usual optimism or plug to help a friend. Executive Dysfunction, Dysphoria, Depression, and Anxiety are the worst cocktail to have, especially in a time like the one the world finds itself in, particularly America, where we find ourselves run by a gaggle of brain-dead chihuahuas headed up by a coke-fiend orangutan that's recently had a stroke.
Hopefully things will be better soon. (There's that optimism again, trying to peek through)
In the meantime, might delete this later, but for now, it is what it is. Talk to you all again later.
- Lena.
I can tell you you're not just screaming at the void, as much as it feels like it. You are heard, and you are at least sympathized with. I have a very close and dear friend who is in much the same position as you, and she hasn't even finished college yet.
While solidarity does nothing to take the pain away nor banish the doubts, there are others (and likely many) who feel as you do. Don't feel ashamed at getting this out there. It's okay to not be okay all the time.
I hope you find your avenue to move forward in life very soon.
I'm doing my best to try and chart a course forward. There are things I'm working at right now towards coming out in the near future and starting HRT. Progress is slow, but I'm hoping I can pick up the pace soon.
I am sorry to hear about your pain, I relate to some of it, but as Caervec said, I wish to help in some way but there isn't a magic wand - God I wish there was.
I will try not to bumblefoot my words, so apologies if I make little sense. Will try keep it short and hopefully not too strong or 'try hard'.
You are worthy, you are strong for the path you are walking and am proud of you. All I can offer, is, keep trying, there is something out there for you. Maybe take a job in a different field until one for your skills arises?
I too, am a stranger who can only sympathize, not helpful I know. If you would like someone to talk to, a 3rd (Neutral) Party, I offer my ear - may not be able to help, but the option is there if you so choose. If not, that is ok. I wish you well on your path of life, thanks for reading.
As for trying to take a job in a different field, I've been looking for somewhere different for a while now. Unfortunately, the economy isn't the greatest, even more so now with the pandemic going on, and most places have that nifty little "5+ years experience preferred" barrier there that makes it hard to really even think of applying when your experience is 11 years in retail. Still, I'm not giving up just yet, even if it feels like I'm fighting an uphill battle in a Category 5 hurricane with big ol' prison-style weights latched onto either ankle.
I understand the job situation, had my doubts too, at least 13 years of retail At one store under my belt.
Guess I got lucky? I am confident you will find something.
It may be an uphill battle, Having gotten as far as you have, currently, means you are strong.
You got this!
Hopefully my messages didn’t make me seem like a try hard or coming on too strong. I get ahead of myself to provide others with support I went without in my experiences.
And yeah, it's definitely an uphill battle, but like you said, having survived this long means something. I'm learning to try and remember to keep that in mind and not lose hope.
Thank you for your encouragement Supsup, I really appreciate it.
*Edit- I have to admit that, while it may not have been your goal, the "coke-fiend orangutan" bit made me laugh. That's a good one.
And lol, I'm glad you like that bit XD
I wish I could be there to help give you someone you could talk to and help you through this rough patch in RL, as you know that I have some idea of what you're going through. Since I can't be there in RL, I want to do what I can to try and help. If you let me know some ideas, maybe I can at least come up with some sketches for you, if that might help you persevere. It won't be finished art, just sketches, but if they'll help just let me know, and give me a little time. Ok? Stay Strong, and do your best to live well... Huggs
Your sister in spirit,
Cait Sidhe