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I'm alive despite deleting everything
5 years ago
Howdy. Feels weird typing this journal up for FA, but I felt like this is necessary given what personal plans I've been considering for my art.
Firstly: I apologize if anybody was upset by my account activity, having gone nearly completely silent for a year before posting a few things and then suddenly deleting everything without a word four months ago. Long story short: I chose to withdraw and constrain my toony art away from online publicity and into the privacy of direct friends. My intention was, for many personal reasons, to leave and move on, while still keeping my toony art alive, just alot smaller. But that isn't what ended up happening, because instead of giving me time and space to move on, it gave me time and space to analyze my perspective for leaving, and my overall relationship with the public realm of cartoon silliness and kinks, and its impact on me, and my impact on it.
I think it's fair to say, that anybody who followed me closely, and especially visited my streams knew quite well how much I personally struggled with how I viewed and handled that relationship.
Now that I've spent alot of time talking and thinking about this issue in private, without the distractions of being another figure online, I've discovered that alot of my personal, initial reasonings weren't the full picture, so I've decided that I will resume posting art again, because I do want to share it still. I have a long history of deleting my galleries in the past out of an emotionally inept and self-destructive outbursts, but the last deletion was calmly planned over a long period of time and thoroughly thought over. Yet here I am returning after another long period of time spent thinking. I believe this should be the last time I wipe one of my galleries. I'd like to think I've outgrown such a pattern of behavior.
I'll be using this account and another account, and create twitters relevant to each account.
As for old art and archives: No archive any time soon. It's alot of work to make one, and I'd have to organize another 2 years of art into that archive. Old art being uploaded? Only some. Only the stuff that I think is worth re-posting.
If you have any questions, please ask.
Firstly: I apologize if anybody was upset by my account activity, having gone nearly completely silent for a year before posting a few things and then suddenly deleting everything without a word four months ago. Long story short: I chose to withdraw and constrain my toony art away from online publicity and into the privacy of direct friends. My intention was, for many personal reasons, to leave and move on, while still keeping my toony art alive, just alot smaller. But that isn't what ended up happening, because instead of giving me time and space to move on, it gave me time and space to analyze my perspective for leaving, and my overall relationship with the public realm of cartoon silliness and kinks, and its impact on me, and my impact on it.
I think it's fair to say, that anybody who followed me closely, and especially visited my streams knew quite well how much I personally struggled with how I viewed and handled that relationship.
Now that I've spent alot of time talking and thinking about this issue in private, without the distractions of being another figure online, I've discovered that alot of my personal, initial reasonings weren't the full picture, so I've decided that I will resume posting art again, because I do want to share it still. I have a long history of deleting my galleries in the past out of an emotionally inept and self-destructive outbursts, but the last deletion was calmly planned over a long period of time and thoroughly thought over. Yet here I am returning after another long period of time spent thinking. I believe this should be the last time I wipe one of my galleries. I'd like to think I've outgrown such a pattern of behavior.
I'll be using this account and another account, and create twitters relevant to each account.
As for old art and archives: No archive any time soon. It's alot of work to make one, and I'd have to organize another 2 years of art into that archive. Old art being uploaded? Only some. Only the stuff that I think is worth re-posting.
If you have any questions, please ask.
I hope things can move forward well, but it's okay and important to look out for yourself first. Either way, I'm glad to know you're around still, and am excited to see more of your art. <3
You're welcome. You're art is always great!
It has a lovely flow in its passion.
Just remember to take care of yourself 1st or if you need a wolf to lend an ear. 🧸
No matter what anyone tells you, you must be who you are, the arts you do, what you love to do, be it sfw or nsfw, is what makes you happy. And i hope to see your works again in the near future somehow.
(PS: My most favorite of your works is the Punished Insolence one, kinda hard to explain why I like it so much!)
Seriously dude I’ve left for a few months before with the intention of not coming back but I didn't erase my presence because people like my stuff and I’d rather not take that away from them.
I'd apologized in the journal for upsetting people with my sudden disappearance. There's nothing else I can do about that.
I knew it was unfair to the people who wanted to see my art, and to the greater community and etc, and that did make me feel a little bad, but my needs are my personal priority regardless of that. I had simply hoped people had grabbed my old archive from me, from friends, or from wherever. IF not, then that's too bad for them, but at the end of the day my art is my own to do with as I please, and I did what made me feel most comfortable.
Though, I will clear up a bit of confusion about shame. There is a kind of shame that nobody can escape unless they've been inflicted with psychopathy or sociopathy. An internal source, from that little daemon inside of us that is always watching every single thing we do. >;p There's no escaping that, and that's the kind of shame I'm concerned with when I talk about shame.
Think of it like this, to borrow religious imagery: In the bible, God created the perfect garden, Eden. And even Eden still has a snake in it. I think the same is true for us as people when it comes to shame.
This might have sounded sort of preachy or weird, but I've been around this kind of stuff for years so I like to help where I can when things like this happen. I remember when you deleted your stuff once before, and I want to help your craft flourish so that you can be happy and successful. You don't have to be a sociopath to be happy with your work. ;3