FA+
Shop
Boundaries
5 years ago
What did the toilet say to the bathtub?
I still get mad every day about conflicts long forgotten. While meditation has made my thinking clearer, it hasn't completely expunged all the bitterness, not just with furries but with previous employers, coworkers, family members, classmates, teachers and people in general. The fact that resentment resurfaces so often tells me I am not as mature as I would like to think. I was going to go on a tyrade a few days ago, but then decided against it. It took me so long to type it out that I eventually gave up.
Meditation doesn't resolve the problem, it only clarifies it. There are so many unresolved conflicts going on in my life that it gets in the way of my productivity. There are myriad reasons why this is; that I haven't taken the opportunity to enforce my own boundaries, that I seldom have heart-to-heart talks with people I want to be friends with, that I expect too much of myself and others, and that things that only annoy other people completely throw me out of whack. Also, whenever I see somebody state their own convictions, I can't help but internalize it and think, "that's what I'm supposed to aspire to." I have to be more productive, that I need thicker skin, that I need to learn to let things go, that I need to be more athletic, more studious, more outgoing, more Christ-like, the list goes on and on. It's exhausting.
I don't know what is going to put all this emotional turmoil of mine to rest. It is probably going to be an ongoing solution. I assumed that writing closure letters would do the trick, but it didn't. The reason is that I treated it like a one time deal, that once I sent the letters, I would never have to confront anybody ever again. That is not how it ever works. I need to find a way to inform you (and I'm using the hypothetical second person throughout this entry) that something you're doing is bothering me. And I need to practice doing it. Part of my Christian upbringing has been to learn to never confront people so that peace can be made. Well… hell no. It doesn't work. All pacifism ever does is give permission for people to misbehave. There are ways to confront people without being bossy, snippy, condescending, or vengeful. And this involves having conversations that most people are reluctant to have.
From what I've observed, most personal conflicts, furry or otherwise, arise out of a lack of boundaries. Most people don't know how to appropriately confront another person. Furthermore, most people don't know how to accept correction graciously. I once stated this in a discord conversation. The guy I was talking to responded, "Well, I'm okay with confrontation, so long as you're not laying into me." Good for you, but I have seldom seen that in practice. That, and I never outright believe (or disbelieve) people. Show, don't tell.
So… to practice dealing with my demons, here are my boundaries:
I believe that social events are supposed to involve socializing. I'm not hanging around people who would rather play around on their phones than interact with the people around them. If you blow me off when I try to join in (e.g. only give a one-sentence answer to my questions and then act like I'm not even there), or only talk to me when you have something mean to say, I do not owe you the courtesy of a thorough goodbye. If you think it's rude of me to just get up and leave, you should think about how your own actions affect me.
While I will not go on long tyrades in IM chats anymore, I might mention that I'm not feeling my best. I need to talk about my personal feelings and opinions. Anyone who tries to rationalize someone else's mistreatment of me ("they are just trying to be funny, don’t take it so personally"), I will say, "I don't appreciate that." If you are bothered by what I'm saying, own it and tell me, "Look, this conversation is making me uneasy." That I will respect. I will not permit you to tell me what I should and should not put up with.
I have no more patience for self-pity or gossip. If you are mad at somebody, confront them. Or consult a relationship expert. Don't share drama with me, or I'm leaving the conversation. I don't have the constitution to shoulder other people's emotional burdens. I also have no respect for anybody who stays in a social circle they hate. If most of the people suck, you have no business being in there. Anybody who's worth your friendship will stay your friend whether you are in that group or not.
I hate edgelords and trolls. If you antagonize me by trying to "call me out," I'm blocking you. If you try to debate me on my own boundaries, I want nothing to do with you. I'm not letting you play mindgames with me so that you can feel smart. Do that on your own page. I already know my personal flaws, and if you resort to name-calling, you're getting blocked.
I'm not staying in any group with immature staff. If you fight with or try to control your members instead of enforcing the rules, I'm leaving. I need to express myself when I'm corrected. If I say, "This is a lot to take in, I need to step out for a little bit." it only means that I've been taken by surprise and need a few minutes to recover. I won't pretend to be more mature and easygoing than I truly am. I do want to cooperate, which is why I will do my best to memorize all the rules and stay out of situations where I feel most vulnerable. If you can't accomodate me asking for a little space to recover, then I'm leaving.
Do not interrupt me when I'm trying to help somebody else. If you are rude enough to butt in and correct me, I'm leaving the job to you. Also, don't tell me to do simple tasks you can quickly and easily do yourself. If there's a legitimate reason you cannot do this yourself, I'll be happy to help out. But if it's some simple errand you just can't be bothered to take care of on your own, I'm not doing it. Also, if you are an authority figure and you give me permission to do something another authority objects to, you two have problems you need to work out. Most of all, don't raise your voice at me. If you expect me to keep my cool and show self-control, you have to show it yourself. I will outright leave without a word if you get in my face and yell at me.
It will take a lot of nerve to work up the courage to actually enforce my boundaries. I'm sure there are people reading this and thinking "okay, well, have fun getting fired, asshole." If that's you, you're the kind of person I want nothing to do with. I will find that out for myself whether choosing not to be an errand boy is reason for termination. I do not outright believe any claim that it is. It may be true, but I'll consult my experience for that.
Some of this has been hard to write, because people I consider friends have done a few of these things. But I want them to heal, too. I recommend Cloud and Townsend's "Boundaries." Like I said, I can't pretend to be stronger and more mature than I really am. I do take many things personally, and it always catches me off guard. Taking things impersonally means I always have to be on my guard, and I just don't have the energy for that. So I need to practice walking away from hurtful things.
But I need to have close, personal talks. One that involves safe words, where we can take a break from the conversation, and then return to them. I need to also move away from trying to come up with solutions. I don't know how to solve your problems, but healing does exist.
Meditation doesn't resolve the problem, it only clarifies it. There are so many unresolved conflicts going on in my life that it gets in the way of my productivity. There are myriad reasons why this is; that I haven't taken the opportunity to enforce my own boundaries, that I seldom have heart-to-heart talks with people I want to be friends with, that I expect too much of myself and others, and that things that only annoy other people completely throw me out of whack. Also, whenever I see somebody state their own convictions, I can't help but internalize it and think, "that's what I'm supposed to aspire to." I have to be more productive, that I need thicker skin, that I need to learn to let things go, that I need to be more athletic, more studious, more outgoing, more Christ-like, the list goes on and on. It's exhausting.
I don't know what is going to put all this emotional turmoil of mine to rest. It is probably going to be an ongoing solution. I assumed that writing closure letters would do the trick, but it didn't. The reason is that I treated it like a one time deal, that once I sent the letters, I would never have to confront anybody ever again. That is not how it ever works. I need to find a way to inform you (and I'm using the hypothetical second person throughout this entry) that something you're doing is bothering me. And I need to practice doing it. Part of my Christian upbringing has been to learn to never confront people so that peace can be made. Well… hell no. It doesn't work. All pacifism ever does is give permission for people to misbehave. There are ways to confront people without being bossy, snippy, condescending, or vengeful. And this involves having conversations that most people are reluctant to have.
From what I've observed, most personal conflicts, furry or otherwise, arise out of a lack of boundaries. Most people don't know how to appropriately confront another person. Furthermore, most people don't know how to accept correction graciously. I once stated this in a discord conversation. The guy I was talking to responded, "Well, I'm okay with confrontation, so long as you're not laying into me." Good for you, but I have seldom seen that in practice. That, and I never outright believe (or disbelieve) people. Show, don't tell.
So… to practice dealing with my demons, here are my boundaries:
I believe that social events are supposed to involve socializing. I'm not hanging around people who would rather play around on their phones than interact with the people around them. If you blow me off when I try to join in (e.g. only give a one-sentence answer to my questions and then act like I'm not even there), or only talk to me when you have something mean to say, I do not owe you the courtesy of a thorough goodbye. If you think it's rude of me to just get up and leave, you should think about how your own actions affect me.
While I will not go on long tyrades in IM chats anymore, I might mention that I'm not feeling my best. I need to talk about my personal feelings and opinions. Anyone who tries to rationalize someone else's mistreatment of me ("they are just trying to be funny, don’t take it so personally"), I will say, "I don't appreciate that." If you are bothered by what I'm saying, own it and tell me, "Look, this conversation is making me uneasy." That I will respect. I will not permit you to tell me what I should and should not put up with.
I have no more patience for self-pity or gossip. If you are mad at somebody, confront them. Or consult a relationship expert. Don't share drama with me, or I'm leaving the conversation. I don't have the constitution to shoulder other people's emotional burdens. I also have no respect for anybody who stays in a social circle they hate. If most of the people suck, you have no business being in there. Anybody who's worth your friendship will stay your friend whether you are in that group or not.
I hate edgelords and trolls. If you antagonize me by trying to "call me out," I'm blocking you. If you try to debate me on my own boundaries, I want nothing to do with you. I'm not letting you play mindgames with me so that you can feel smart. Do that on your own page. I already know my personal flaws, and if you resort to name-calling, you're getting blocked.
I'm not staying in any group with immature staff. If you fight with or try to control your members instead of enforcing the rules, I'm leaving. I need to express myself when I'm corrected. If I say, "This is a lot to take in, I need to step out for a little bit." it only means that I've been taken by surprise and need a few minutes to recover. I won't pretend to be more mature and easygoing than I truly am. I do want to cooperate, which is why I will do my best to memorize all the rules and stay out of situations where I feel most vulnerable. If you can't accomodate me asking for a little space to recover, then I'm leaving.
Do not interrupt me when I'm trying to help somebody else. If you are rude enough to butt in and correct me, I'm leaving the job to you. Also, don't tell me to do simple tasks you can quickly and easily do yourself. If there's a legitimate reason you cannot do this yourself, I'll be happy to help out. But if it's some simple errand you just can't be bothered to take care of on your own, I'm not doing it. Also, if you are an authority figure and you give me permission to do something another authority objects to, you two have problems you need to work out. Most of all, don't raise your voice at me. If you expect me to keep my cool and show self-control, you have to show it yourself. I will outright leave without a word if you get in my face and yell at me.
It will take a lot of nerve to work up the courage to actually enforce my boundaries. I'm sure there are people reading this and thinking "okay, well, have fun getting fired, asshole." If that's you, you're the kind of person I want nothing to do with. I will find that out for myself whether choosing not to be an errand boy is reason for termination. I do not outright believe any claim that it is. It may be true, but I'll consult my experience for that.
Some of this has been hard to write, because people I consider friends have done a few of these things. But I want them to heal, too. I recommend Cloud and Townsend's "Boundaries." Like I said, I can't pretend to be stronger and more mature than I really am. I do take many things personally, and it always catches me off guard. Taking things impersonally means I always have to be on my guard, and I just don't have the energy for that. So I need to practice walking away from hurtful things.
But I need to have close, personal talks. One that involves safe words, where we can take a break from the conversation, and then return to them. I need to also move away from trying to come up with solutions. I don't know how to solve your problems, but healing does exist.
