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Going on a hiatus
5 years ago
What did the toilet say to the bathtub?
I've been feeling extremely sad and lonely lately, as evident from my previous journal entries. And exploring the online fandom is making it all worse. I'm extremely disappointed with my experiences. No matter who I talk to, the lousy interactions I had over telegram and discord keep cropping up. There may be a greater number of nice furs I've met, but none of them live nearby. I need to feel loved by someone who I know face to face, and I don't feel that way. At best, I feel tolerated. Even the people who are nice to me seem to have crappy tastes in friends. I can't handle this. I need to move to a place where I feel belonging, and I just don't get that with the furry fandom.
At the moment, I can't trust my own perception. You see... I've been putting off admitting this because I didn't want to be scrutinized, but I have Asperger's syndrome. And I've been told indirectly that if something upsets me, it's because I don't empathize with people well enough. That every experience I have wherein I feel slighted should be called into question because I have a mental disorder that only makes it seem like I'm being mistreated.
I've said before I know what things I've done wrong in the past. And that does not seem to matter to anyone I'm at odds with. Far too many people take the attitude, "Well, I can't be in the wrong. My way of dealing with the world worked until I met you. You must be the one in the wrong." I have set boundaries against this. I have walked away from people who treat me this way. Why am I still angry about it?
I don't know. I get the sense that part of this is that there are things I'm not allowed to express. There are feelings I'm not allowed to have. I mean, I am emphatic about this: People were upset when I left and gave the bare minimum farewell. To these same people, it did not matter that I tried to join their conversation and they blew me off. I know I could have handled it better. But some of this was their fault. After I wrote my closure letters, my counsellor said that only one person had a particularly dismissive reaction ("yeah, yeah *rolls eyes - so long as I never see you again" or something of the sort). Even if they did respond "respectfully," I have no reason to believe that their response was anything more than lip service to someone they knew they'd never hear from again.
I know it's weird that somebody who complains so much about his experience with the furry fandom still participates in it. Bear in mind that the reason I joined it was that I can only feel affection when it comes from a fursuiter. Even that is tainted by the big stink some people make, fursuiters and otherwise, about consent (like Vix N. Que). I can relate insofar as unwanted touching - I was swatted for refusing a kiss when I was a kid, and all the affection I gave to my Dad was out of fear of another swat. Now, I'm on better terms with my dad, but I still feel nothing when we embrace. I only do it now because I feel guilty about my adolescent phase (which was largely post-poned until I was 25).
As to unwanted touching, I get it. People have harassed you while you were in suit. I would never go up to a stranger in a costume and just touch him/her. But all these demands for respect of personal space is a humongous social turn-off for me. Chances are, if I saw you demanding that everyone ask you before they hug you in suit, (as opposed to requesting it, Gail Frostbane serves as a good counterexample), I will stay far away.
It should be obvious at this point that I've ceased caring about being popular. I'm going to get into personal reasons for leaving the fandom now.
5. I do not at all identify with my online persona (No, I will not call it a fursona. I hate that word). I started out my character as a smartass teenager, and I don't seem myself in the way I've developed him. I make Dad jokes.
4. I do not like video games. Apparently, most furries are really into independant games, Among Us is the latest craze, and I do not give a fuck about Among Us. I'm sick of hearing about it.
3. Most furries are on the far left politically, and I'm fucking sick of politics. I do not like Donald Trump, but I'm sick of seeing people bitch about him and praise Black Lives Matter. I don't know whether I would support or oppose BLM, I'm just sick of seeing people talk about it. Are you involved in the lives of anybody who's been attacked by the police? Unless you know somebody personally, I have to question your sincerity.
2. Most of my followers only pay attention to me when I do inflation porn, and I am losing interest in inflation little by little. I can't follow through even with sketches. I want to draw stuff related to the books I'm writing, and few of them ever have anything to do with cartoon slapstick of any kind.
1. Probably most of all, I came here for the wrong reasons. I wanted to feel loved and make friends, but when I went to make friends in person, they all acted like I wasn't there. I don't know how that is in relation to other social groups; I've been overlooked before, but coming from a group whose members say it's a very friendly, welcoming community, that hits very hard.
I don't know what the consequences are for posting a journal like this. I'm talking about my experiences. I know, the scope of my vision is narrow. I live in a very out-of-the-way college town in the South. But I need to do what's better for my personal health. I'm not disabling my account just yet (although depending on how many people get angry about this entry, that might be very likely), but the root of all this still remains. I need to feel loved. I need for people to read this and think, "Well... I don't agree with all of this, but this is clearly someone who is speaking from a place of pain." If you want to change my mind about the furry fandom, you have to be here in person, actually looking up from your phone, and engaging with me. If you are a fursuiter, you don't have to be in suit the whole time, but it would be nice to have a pat on the back. Some form of acknowledgement.
I'm not unaware of what this looks like. I know, I'm not presenting myself as a particularly adult person. But I need to grow through this. Driving a few people off may be the next step I need to take in healing.
At the moment, I can't trust my own perception. You see... I've been putting off admitting this because I didn't want to be scrutinized, but I have Asperger's syndrome. And I've been told indirectly that if something upsets me, it's because I don't empathize with people well enough. That every experience I have wherein I feel slighted should be called into question because I have a mental disorder that only makes it seem like I'm being mistreated.
I've said before I know what things I've done wrong in the past. And that does not seem to matter to anyone I'm at odds with. Far too many people take the attitude, "Well, I can't be in the wrong. My way of dealing with the world worked until I met you. You must be the one in the wrong." I have set boundaries against this. I have walked away from people who treat me this way. Why am I still angry about it?
I don't know. I get the sense that part of this is that there are things I'm not allowed to express. There are feelings I'm not allowed to have. I mean, I am emphatic about this: People were upset when I left and gave the bare minimum farewell. To these same people, it did not matter that I tried to join their conversation and they blew me off. I know I could have handled it better. But some of this was their fault. After I wrote my closure letters, my counsellor said that only one person had a particularly dismissive reaction ("yeah, yeah *rolls eyes - so long as I never see you again" or something of the sort). Even if they did respond "respectfully," I have no reason to believe that their response was anything more than lip service to someone they knew they'd never hear from again.
I know it's weird that somebody who complains so much about his experience with the furry fandom still participates in it. Bear in mind that the reason I joined it was that I can only feel affection when it comes from a fursuiter. Even that is tainted by the big stink some people make, fursuiters and otherwise, about consent (like Vix N. Que). I can relate insofar as unwanted touching - I was swatted for refusing a kiss when I was a kid, and all the affection I gave to my Dad was out of fear of another swat. Now, I'm on better terms with my dad, but I still feel nothing when we embrace. I only do it now because I feel guilty about my adolescent phase (which was largely post-poned until I was 25).
As to unwanted touching, I get it. People have harassed you while you were in suit. I would never go up to a stranger in a costume and just touch him/her. But all these demands for respect of personal space is a humongous social turn-off for me. Chances are, if I saw you demanding that everyone ask you before they hug you in suit, (as opposed to requesting it, Gail Frostbane serves as a good counterexample), I will stay far away.
It should be obvious at this point that I've ceased caring about being popular. I'm going to get into personal reasons for leaving the fandom now.
5. I do not at all identify with my online persona (No, I will not call it a fursona. I hate that word). I started out my character as a smartass teenager, and I don't seem myself in the way I've developed him. I make Dad jokes.
4. I do not like video games. Apparently, most furries are really into independant games, Among Us is the latest craze, and I do not give a fuck about Among Us. I'm sick of hearing about it.
3. Most furries are on the far left politically, and I'm fucking sick of politics. I do not like Donald Trump, but I'm sick of seeing people bitch about him and praise Black Lives Matter. I don't know whether I would support or oppose BLM, I'm just sick of seeing people talk about it. Are you involved in the lives of anybody who's been attacked by the police? Unless you know somebody personally, I have to question your sincerity.
2. Most of my followers only pay attention to me when I do inflation porn, and I am losing interest in inflation little by little. I can't follow through even with sketches. I want to draw stuff related to the books I'm writing, and few of them ever have anything to do with cartoon slapstick of any kind.
1. Probably most of all, I came here for the wrong reasons. I wanted to feel loved and make friends, but when I went to make friends in person, they all acted like I wasn't there. I don't know how that is in relation to other social groups; I've been overlooked before, but coming from a group whose members say it's a very friendly, welcoming community, that hits very hard.
I don't know what the consequences are for posting a journal like this. I'm talking about my experiences. I know, the scope of my vision is narrow. I live in a very out-of-the-way college town in the South. But I need to do what's better for my personal health. I'm not disabling my account just yet (although depending on how many people get angry about this entry, that might be very likely), but the root of all this still remains. I need to feel loved. I need for people to read this and think, "Well... I don't agree with all of this, but this is clearly someone who is speaking from a place of pain." If you want to change my mind about the furry fandom, you have to be here in person, actually looking up from your phone, and engaging with me. If you are a fursuiter, you don't have to be in suit the whole time, but it would be nice to have a pat on the back. Some form of acknowledgement.
I'm not unaware of what this looks like. I know, I'm not presenting myself as a particularly adult person. But I need to grow through this. Driving a few people off may be the next step I need to take in healing.
