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5 years ago
What did the toilet say to the bathtub?
I had a mental breakdown last night. I got in touch with my counselor, and realized some things. I've fallen into a pattern of trying to build an online social life/business, only to give up on it, sooner or later during a panic attack. Then, give it another try, only to give up on it again. My anger towards the local furgroup, my resentment towards former employers, and even my need to seek out friendship online, and to affirm my beliefs about the furry fandom as something particularly friendly are all symptoms of a deeper problem. You see, I also have nightmares almost every night. Most of the time, they have to do with family conflict. For most of my life, I've been afraid of my Dad reverting back to spankings. I was 25 before I decided to openly and knowingly rebel against my parents. They were insulted, they tried to manipulate the conversation and guilt trip me, but he didn't so much as lay a hand on me. I'm not bragging, I was not particularly sensitive, but it needed to happen.
Now, the truth is, I have met many more kind furries than I have snobby or cliquish furs. If I were to list the furs I don't like verses those I do, the ratio comes out as 1-to-3. The fact is, though, there are unresolved conflicts between me and my parents that have made me overly sensitive to rejection. There are still some things I'm not likely to tolerate, such as name-calling, put downs, or brush-offs, but my hope is that, once I resolve these problems, I won't be so desperate for furry-specific attention. I won't continue seething over the drama with the local group.
Now… I have felt some guilt over my online friendships. I'm sure there are those of you who feel like your kindness towards me doesn't amount to anything. It's not that it doesn't amount to anything, but there are parts of me that you cannot see because we don't know one another face-to-face. You need to see me in several different contexts in order to truly know me. And I could write a whole Bible's worth of descriptions about my life and my psychological make-up, and that still wouldn't amount to seeing me in person.
I used to scorn facebook because I thought it was overrated. In hindsight, I use other "social" media in the same way. Trying to meet my social needs. I'm not shutting down FA, or deleting my telegram account, or my discord. I barely use anything else. But I do need to turn my attention towards my face-to-face relationships for a while. I need to grow through some of the things I was too afraid to grow through when I was a kid, because of the constant danger of spankings.
I am on good terms with my parents. We've been through several different relationship phases. Perhaps this will turn out better than I hope. But we need to talk. I need to get to the root of these breakdowns; and they started long before I even discovered the furry fandom.
Now, the truth is, I have met many more kind furries than I have snobby or cliquish furs. If I were to list the furs I don't like verses those I do, the ratio comes out as 1-to-3. The fact is, though, there are unresolved conflicts between me and my parents that have made me overly sensitive to rejection. There are still some things I'm not likely to tolerate, such as name-calling, put downs, or brush-offs, but my hope is that, once I resolve these problems, I won't be so desperate for furry-specific attention. I won't continue seething over the drama with the local group.
Now… I have felt some guilt over my online friendships. I'm sure there are those of you who feel like your kindness towards me doesn't amount to anything. It's not that it doesn't amount to anything, but there are parts of me that you cannot see because we don't know one another face-to-face. You need to see me in several different contexts in order to truly know me. And I could write a whole Bible's worth of descriptions about my life and my psychological make-up, and that still wouldn't amount to seeing me in person.
I used to scorn facebook because I thought it was overrated. In hindsight, I use other "social" media in the same way. Trying to meet my social needs. I'm not shutting down FA, or deleting my telegram account, or my discord. I barely use anything else. But I do need to turn my attention towards my face-to-face relationships for a while. I need to grow through some of the things I was too afraid to grow through when I was a kid, because of the constant danger of spankings.
I am on good terms with my parents. We've been through several different relationship phases. Perhaps this will turn out better than I hope. But we need to talk. I need to get to the root of these breakdowns; and they started long before I even discovered the furry fandom.
As for the nightmares, they must be due to a bad combination of conflicted feelings and bad memories. That's usually the cause of my nightmares.
On the plus side, I think you may have a lot more experience with people than I have. I think, with every encounter you have, you become a better judge of character. This helps you to decide who to socialize with and who not to.
I don't socialize with a lot of people. In fact, I barely socialize with anyone but my family and fellow D&D players. After years of being bullied by classmates and harassed by anti-social locals, I've come to dislike people in general.
All in all, I think you may need to take it easy and not worry about your social life. Sometimes, it's just good time have time to yourself.
I think that's what a lot of furries have in common: trying to have long-neglected needs met online. All I can do is keep deferring you all to Cloud and Townsend's books. They can describe the solution better than I can.
And I’m no good with novels. I end up reading the same paragraph over and over again to make sure that I understand what I read.