A few days ago, I snapped at a customer at the Bookstore where I work for trying to act like I victimized her. I'm not sorry I did it; if I had kept quiet, I would have become physically sick. My supervisor graciously advised me not to worry about it, that she was making a bigger deal out of something that didn't need to be. I only felt a little guilty on behalf of my supervisor, although I would rather feel that way than feel powerless.

As I said before, I'm not a thick-skinned person. I cannot alter my emotional personhood to my liking. I can change my own mood for a while, but anything that upsets me resurfaces from time to time. Confronting the person (directly expressing disagreement) does help to reduce the pain, but I still feel slighted, like something has been taken away from me. The matter remains unresolved.

I need to heal.

When I started meditating, I had the mindset that it was going to do away with my need to be heard, my need to express my pain. It didn't work, nor was it ever supposed to do that. Meditation only clarifies the problem. You have to take action if you want to resolve or improve anything.

Somebody in a chat room once said, "You have to control your outbursts. You're an adult. This behaviour gets in the way of our conversations." On the surface, I can get behind a statement like this. There are rules to follow when interacting with people in public, and people who don't follow those rules often get shunned. However, this was directed at somebody mentally ill after he asked for advice. He said, "I can't control it." Well… first of all, the guy giving this "advice" misses a few points. First of all, telling somebody to behave a certain way, especially if they are mentally ill, doesn't work. They are already struggling with control over their behavior. Second, somebody's age is not an indicator of where they are in their personal growth. I think there are probably very few adults who are as adult as they should be. Third, if it gets in the way of a conversation, then that tells me that there is a need for a conversation specifically about that.

I don't know either of these people that well, but this is an instance of somebody dismissively dodging a very essential conversation. Personal things do not get talked about nearly enough, and I'm not talking about sex, race, politics, religion, etc. I'm talking about people. The very core of one's being. Even if you don't believe in the soul, you at least believe in personal growth. And remarks like "You're an adult, so act like one," only show how narrow your (again, hypothetical second person) perspective is. Actions begin inside you, after the emotions. And I do have to say that people who make fun using words like "special snowflake" are not helping.

I'm going to be talking about some things that genuinely piss me off. I'll be as civil as I can, but this does deal with some sensitive issues.

The problems I'm talking about reside beyond the furry fandom, not just within it. I think that the root of my own personal problems begin with my Christian upbringing. Now, I am still a Christian. I do believe in the existence of a supreme creator, and that there is an afterlife that we will see after we die. Now for the tricky part. My Christian authority figures would implore me to add, "And I have accepted Jesus Christ into my heart as my Lord and savior." However… speaking to an audience of likely mixed faiths along with a lack thereof, I have to admit that is kind of unclear. I do believe that Jesus Christ was an actual historical figure who died and physically returned to life. When it comes to saying who goes to Heaven and who goes to Hell, here's where things get tricky.

For one thing, I do not believe that Hell is the blazing inferno that orthodox Christianity portrays it as. It's not that dramatic. I believe it's more a state of misery, despair, and, most of all, selfishness. Of course, nobody wants to end up in that state. To avoid it, you're supposed to admit that it's where you are headed naturally, unless you permit Jesus and his teachings to guide you, and then believe accordingly. All of the churches I attended in my childhood were Baptist churches, and their was a constant emphasis on "grace-based salvation," meaning that moral behavior was not part of going to heaven but meant as a tool for converting other people. This is my perception of it, as best as I can remember.

I converted when I was six, entirely to escape Hell. In my mind, that made it a false conversion. I wasn't interested in improving my life for the better. What is there to improve at that age anyway? Apart from stronger adherence to your parents rules, I doubt many kids that age have anything to adhere to morally. When I was fifteen, I'd heard a sermon based on evaluating your own personal faith. It's only real if you act on it, the preacher seemed to say. Then, in the same sermon, he said, you only act on it to show it's real to other people. This sent me into cosmic dread.

Right now, I am far less a Biblical literalist than I was for most of my life. It's more important to follow the abstract principles behind Jesus's life and resurrection. I'm not ruling out the possibility that I'm incorrect, and that the Bible is a work of fiction (as scandalous as that would sound to my fellow Christians). The principles I must follow as a Christian is to admit to my shortcomings (admit I'm not as strong, mature, smart, easy-going, kind, or even creative as I would like to believe), seek out people who can help me grow, and then do the same for other people. That, I believe, is at the root of it. Good behavior and improving my character come as natural outgrowths of inner change. Again, I refer you to the works of John Townsend and Henry Cloud for more specifics.

This, however, is severely lacking in the Christian community. There is more judgement and fastidiousness than personal growth. Street preachers protesting gay pride parades (even though I have my own qualms against the tackier ones), angry mothers picketing abortion clinics, anti-intellectual attitudes… however, I think the biggest transgression of Christians today is their lack of personal openness. There are way too few support groups in general. Too many people think they have it made. And if you read this and think, "Well, my life is just fine so long as this doesn't happen," then you're in as much need of one as any mental patient. "This" is going to happen, in one form or another. Eventually, you're going to have to face something you cannot cope with on your own.

I don't think I'm going to convince everyone, or even most people, to join a support group. Like I said, I'm doing this as part of my own healing process. It won't be the last time I'll post a journal like this. My own healing will start by bringing the issue to my family. For all the talk of God and Jesus, we almost never talked about anything personal. Both of my parents have hard backgrounds that have leaked into the lives of me and my siblings. I'm going to talk to my counselor; I want to legally change my name to have my middle name, the name I grew up with, moved to my first name with another gospel ("Matthew") made my middle.

I have other stuff I will need to vent about later, but it certainly feels good to be honest without worrying myself about the response I'm going to get.