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Further Healing, Pt. 1
5 years ago
General
What did the toilet say to the bathtub?
Something I forgot to mention; a fundamental change in my beliefs between when I was a kid to now; If you die without having converted, it doesn't necessarily mean you're going to hell, as I previously believed. I don't believe in a God who buries the truth and then incenerates you if you can't find it. What it means is that you miss out on the principles that will lead you to personal growth, and you then will be unprepared for something terrible, anything from the death of someone you love to somebody's terrible manners.
I have more to say on religion, but there are other matters I need to get off my chest.
I remember hearing on the Crack'd podcast somebody observing that the internet is used as reverse telepathy, meaning that instead of reading other people's minds, you are putting your own thoughts out on display. How somebody acts online, whether in a chatroom or in a journal post, is a pretty solid barometer for their maturity. Otherwise civil adults will become savage on facebook (those who still use it) or twitter. People will drop all pretense of good manners when they encounter something they disagree with. There are exceptions; I'm not saying that truly mature adults are non-existent. But if you really want to measure your maturity, look at the way you respond to people online.
Now, when I heard the Crack'd comment, I thought, "Well, I'll just show more restraint, then I'll be more mature." Nope. Maturity starts with the emotion. If you are so much as tempted to lash out at someone, then you've already got a problem within yourself. Knowing that I would have gotten sick if I didn't talk back to that customer I mentioned last entry, I can spare a little more grace to the people I've butted heads with. And yet, I won't ever take a position that there is no way to deal with such temptations other than to follow through with them. I need to find a support group. If they don't exist, I need to organize them. If it falls through, I need to organize another one. If that falls through, organize one again. Keep organizing them.
One of the things I never seem to be prepared for is when somebody corrects me. I find it extremely disorienting, to the point where sharing this, someone will say, "Come on, it's not that big a deal. Why even go anywhere if you're that easily offended?" I already agree these things shouldn't offend me that much. That's a flaw that I've spent my whole life trying to suppress. Sometimes the correction is justified, sometimes it isn't. But as I've said before, I cannot pretend to be more mature than I actually am. I don't care if you think I'm a bitch or a snowflake. I have to express my feelings about this.
So… I thought that discord chatrooms were the solution to my loneliness. On the whole, my experiences have been positive. However, I was caught off guard when somebody lowered my mic volume without asking me to turn it down, then announced that he did so because my A/C was on. I should have said, "Look, pal, you could have asked me to turn it down myself. I don't appreciate that." Then I wouldn't have beaten up on myself for the rest of the day, and several weeks following. This happened a second time while I was driving. A moderator asking me to turn the volume down, which wasn't as disorienting, but still, people like that only show give me any attention to tell me I'm doing something they don't like. I snapped at him, then apologized, then resented myself for apologizing.
I'm aware that this sounds like a silly complaint. But use your imagination: surely somebody has corrected you justifiably and had you resent them at least once in your life. If you say no, I'm calling BS. If you follow it up with, "but it was helpful in learning what not to do," then you're further along in your maturity than I am, at least in the area of accepting correction. Probably not so much in empathizing.
Since divulging my opinions on these matters, I have felt less resentful. I do think that this is probably better than going into "emotional support" channels. I think one of the factors in failing to get emotional support is that I'm seeking it from people who barely know me. All they see is somebody complaining about everyday inconveniences and mishaps. They're not familiar with the kind of brain disorder I have, and all they can do is advise me based on a purely hypothetical situation.
The steps I'm taking are probably going to disrupt the peace in my personal life; but given that the alternative is to wage war on myself until I really can't take it anymore, I have little reason to believe that what I'm seeing is actually peace. Once my Dad is done with grading papers, I'll have my counsellor call him about my planned name change. I've talked with this to my brother and my sister. They think Dad will take it better than Mom. In my mind, it's a given. I'm sick of having to correct people and explain that I go by my middle name because my first name comes from the family bum. I'm different from him. I'm taking steps to improve.
I have more to say on religion, but there are other matters I need to get off my chest.
I remember hearing on the Crack'd podcast somebody observing that the internet is used as reverse telepathy, meaning that instead of reading other people's minds, you are putting your own thoughts out on display. How somebody acts online, whether in a chatroom or in a journal post, is a pretty solid barometer for their maturity. Otherwise civil adults will become savage on facebook (those who still use it) or twitter. People will drop all pretense of good manners when they encounter something they disagree with. There are exceptions; I'm not saying that truly mature adults are non-existent. But if you really want to measure your maturity, look at the way you respond to people online.
Now, when I heard the Crack'd comment, I thought, "Well, I'll just show more restraint, then I'll be more mature." Nope. Maturity starts with the emotion. If you are so much as tempted to lash out at someone, then you've already got a problem within yourself. Knowing that I would have gotten sick if I didn't talk back to that customer I mentioned last entry, I can spare a little more grace to the people I've butted heads with. And yet, I won't ever take a position that there is no way to deal with such temptations other than to follow through with them. I need to find a support group. If they don't exist, I need to organize them. If it falls through, I need to organize another one. If that falls through, organize one again. Keep organizing them.
One of the things I never seem to be prepared for is when somebody corrects me. I find it extremely disorienting, to the point where sharing this, someone will say, "Come on, it's not that big a deal. Why even go anywhere if you're that easily offended?" I already agree these things shouldn't offend me that much. That's a flaw that I've spent my whole life trying to suppress. Sometimes the correction is justified, sometimes it isn't. But as I've said before, I cannot pretend to be more mature than I actually am. I don't care if you think I'm a bitch or a snowflake. I have to express my feelings about this.
So… I thought that discord chatrooms were the solution to my loneliness. On the whole, my experiences have been positive. However, I was caught off guard when somebody lowered my mic volume without asking me to turn it down, then announced that he did so because my A/C was on. I should have said, "Look, pal, you could have asked me to turn it down myself. I don't appreciate that." Then I wouldn't have beaten up on myself for the rest of the day, and several weeks following. This happened a second time while I was driving. A moderator asking me to turn the volume down, which wasn't as disorienting, but still, people like that only show give me any attention to tell me I'm doing something they don't like. I snapped at him, then apologized, then resented myself for apologizing.
I'm aware that this sounds like a silly complaint. But use your imagination: surely somebody has corrected you justifiably and had you resent them at least once in your life. If you say no, I'm calling BS. If you follow it up with, "but it was helpful in learning what not to do," then you're further along in your maturity than I am, at least in the area of accepting correction. Probably not so much in empathizing.
Since divulging my opinions on these matters, I have felt less resentful. I do think that this is probably better than going into "emotional support" channels. I think one of the factors in failing to get emotional support is that I'm seeking it from people who barely know me. All they see is somebody complaining about everyday inconveniences and mishaps. They're not familiar with the kind of brain disorder I have, and all they can do is advise me based on a purely hypothetical situation.
The steps I'm taking are probably going to disrupt the peace in my personal life; but given that the alternative is to wage war on myself until I really can't take it anymore, I have little reason to believe that what I'm seeing is actually peace. Once my Dad is done with grading papers, I'll have my counsellor call him about my planned name change. I've talked with this to my brother and my sister. They think Dad will take it better than Mom. In my mind, it's a given. I'm sick of having to correct people and explain that I go by my middle name because my first name comes from the family bum. I'm different from him. I'm taking steps to improve.
