I hate telegram. Defending it is a very fast way to get on my bad side. Its blocking feature doesn't do shit, it lets you tamper with other people's chats (as in, deleting them off their phone), and it will suspend your account for privately confronting people. That is all bullshit.

I know there are counterarguments to this. I've heard them. I don't care; nobody I want to block ever offers anything worth reading. Not being able to get away from people I hated within certain chats led to a lot of drama.

Right now, I'm not going to go into the drama with my local group. I'm not feeling particularly on edge about that at the moment. I'm not on edge in general right now, but that's one of the reasons why I want to cover this; I can't wait until I actually get angry. I want to confront this matter while I'm not angry. Or at least, not especially angry.

Among the people I wanted to block was this guy who did nothing but brag about his body. At least when he wasn't mocking other people. That's been a recurring motif in Southern groups; guys who want to prove their masculinity. At first, I'd think that were strange within a group that has a dippy name like "furry" (and come on, guys, you've got to admit that it's at least a little saccharine). However, now that I think about it, it's also quite possible that these same guys suck at showing off to "real men." They lost a dick measuring contest with someone manly, now they've had to move down a peg and measure dicks with animal nerds. I remember there being at least five people like that.

At any rate, I got into a fight with this one guy who posted a video of an unsafe motorcycle driver. He got aggressive very quickly when I objected to it. It was an instance where I was not on my best behavior, but neither was he. This was long after I'd sent several confrontation letters to my local group. Eventually, a moderator told us to knock it off. This supposed badass-bod boy had one more retort for me, but I didn't read it. This was one of those guys who had nothing to say if he wasn't putting someone down or complimenting himself. I hate that kind of person. According to this other guy who'd met him in person, he was actually "not super buff," so it's likely he was exagerating. Again, there's a possibility he bragged so much because he didn't get enough compliments or validation from other people. But then again, there's also the possibility that he was just plain arrogant, and he just looks down on everyone else. Neither are literally impossible.

I didn't write him a confrontational letter. Apart from that one argument, I didn't have much interaction with him. I made him the butt of a breastfeeding joke after he got ugly with me a few months earlier. He didn't have any clever retorts, only more ugliness. Instead, I left that group. Blocking him would have been pointless. Blocking people still permits them to harass you within chat groups, leaving you to nag the moderator, who will either ban them or ignore you. People who say, "just ignore people you don't like" really don't get it. I can't ignore them. They come after me. Anytime I want to talk to somebody, they are there. There's no getting away from them. And I have very little reason to believe that these people, the ones who say that ignoring them is the solution, actually follow their own advice. I've tried to ignore people who make me angry. It doesn't work. If I simply have a low tolerence for annoying people, how do you develop an immunity to it? Is such a thing even possible? Most people I can actually trust as sincere say they have to muster up a lot of patience to deal with people like that. I just don't have the energy for it.

The other person I wanted to block was this allegedly 12-year-old girl who did everything she could to become and stay the center of attention. If I were to make a lame joke, she'd center in on it and dissect it so she could point out it's flaws. Once or twice is just someone trying to be cute. But this happened over and over again. And she had a handful of cronies who would white knight for her if I called her out. Eventually, I straight-out confronted her (several months after trying to put up with it). She didn't have any retorts. I also confronted her worst cronie (another "man's man" asshole who never had a real opinion on anything but he had to argue all the same). All this girl said was, "Oh geez…" This guy didn't even respond. I think he may have been one of the people to report me to a bot so I got suspended temporarily. The suspension lifted the moment I confronted the bot, but it was still as obnoxious as hell.

By the way, I was very civil in the way I confronted these two. Much more civil than I feel like they deserved. The latter one tended to pick on this one mentally ill guy (who I will admit was kind of a sad sack). See, even the people who actually use telegram don't actually follow the "ignore the annoying ones" principle. I once defended the mentally ill guy, and every counterargument (one of which came from the 12-year-old girl) was a strawman. I was very tense during the argument. I carried myself well, but I don't really think anything was gained except for a temporary "naa naa na naa naa" type victory for me (as I got the last word. Told you I wasn't above getting in a "last word" contest). Nobody's mind was changed, the guy I defended never showed me any appreciation, and it was yet another group I just left because I was so sick of (a few) of its members.

Probably the most annoying thing that came out of this experience was the argument I had with Mr. "I know more than you do" and Little Miss "All about me!" was an argument having to do with identity politics. This girl asked if we thought ancient furries had secret knowledge we hadn't uncovered. Now, one thing I can't stand is identity politics. I can chalk this up to a difference in social aspirations. I'm a furry because I can only process true affection from fursuiters, and the nice people here are especially nice. What I can't stand is somebody acting like their interest makes them better than other people. I asked what difference being a furry would have made. The indepth answer from 12-years? "All the difference." And Captain Asshole comes along and says, "She's right, you know." No, she isn't. A useful discovery is a useful discovery. The demographic of the person finding it does not do anything but give you the opportunity to say, "See? I told you my team is smarter than yours!"

Now, I do know that there is a trend among furries to be interested in high-ranking science fields. I'm happy to share something in common with someone who likes Engineering, Aerospace, Medicine, Biomechanics or Surgery. However, all I could see in this conversation was arrogance on their part. I'm not proud of myself for getting involved in these dumb arguments. Banter was the only way I knew how to interact with these people. The only time they wanted to be serious was when they were objecting to the aforementioned mentally ill man, and so I'm sure I misread several social cues. I got ugly myself after some further questioning. 12-years said "Knowledge for knowledge sake is the point," and I say "Well, good luck getting it from this group." And her cronie said, "Least of all from you." Yeah… not good.

I still disagree with 12-year old, even if she really was that young. She has yet to learn that any knowledge you don't put to use fades away. You might learn it faster the second time around even if you forget it, but she and her friends only seemed to use "knowledge" to show off and hoard attention. It was obnoxious.

Now… Even if I had minimal interactions with somebody, it still can get a hold of me. One guy had a particularly risque avatar, and I asked where it came from. He ignored me. The abovementioned guy gave me fake answers, and resorted to namecalling. Mr. Bikini-man, the guy with the suggestive avatar, thought this was funny. I got sick of being ignored so I cussed him out. Finally, Mr. Know-it-all sent me a glaring typeface and said, "It's a photoshopped image." I sassed him, but got the impression that he was genuinely mad. I apologized just in case. I later resented myself for doing so.

I once mentioned that Popufers didn't bother me; I don't mind anyone with a large following, so long as I'm not ignored in person. Bikini man dismissed my conviction, saying that cliquish people will still be amiable, I just shouldn't expect to be friends with everybody. Well, buster, way to completely miss my point. I don't expect to be friends with everybody. But I expect at least a few people I'm sharing a table with to acknowledge me when I try to join the conversation. That is the bare minimum. If you can't at least look at me every once in a while, then you're being very self-centered. Like I said earlier, I won't sit there and put up with that. I confronted this guy, too. And… yeah, I didn't get over it by doing that, as you can see.

He also went on a public tyrade (in the chat group) about the mentally ill guy. I've been dodging it for a while; it's a very sensitive topic for me. But I think he was very ignorant of what these people go to. There was somebody coaxing him, which made it worse. I've already talked about the general attitude towards the mentally ill, but I need to repeat it now that I'm going over this: It is a handicap. People like me have a very hard time navigating the social realm. Even with particularly nice people, it can get very overwhelming at times because I'm always worrying, "Have I offended them and they're just too polite to say anything about it?" I also deal with a lot of self hatred. I do fear losing friends over my novel-length spiels, although I still believe that I have to do this if I want to heal.

I think, I can allow a little grace towards this guy on this one point: He just doesn't understand. He doesn't understand the crippling anxiety and social struggles we face, and I'm aware that it does get very tiring putting up with anxiety-driven people, even when you do know what they've been through. One comment I read on a youtube video trying to posit the brain disorder of the shut-in, self-centered uploader posited, "I know [mentally ill people] who are both arrogant and humble." Again, this person just doesn't understand how hard it is to face the world with a mental illness. A step I would like everyone to take is to move away from describing somebody with emotion-driven adjectives. I know that's what I've been doing this whole time, but this is about my healing process. What you call arrogance is actually somebody trying to work through their disappointment and heartache. If it bothers you that much, don't interact with them. Don't go to places where you're forced to put up with them.

I've followed my own advice and minimized my participation on telegram. On balance, there was somebody I believe had autism. He was not easy to put up with. He often demanded that I forego my work, he spammed me with cute stickers, he sulked when I didn't respond to him fast enough (and this would be minutes of him personally contacting me), and he constantly posted hug stickers in the chat group. I got sick of that. Worst of all was when I asked him not to do something, he took it like a slap in the face. Namely, I said I didn't find stickers particularly interesting, and he said, "If you want me to leave, just say it." I told him I didn't want to see pictures of people from the local group, and he said, "I'll just go away." I said I wasn't in the mood for virtual hand holding, and he said, "It really hurts when you push me away. Stop doing that." I do not have the patience to put up with that. I eventually told him, "Listen… I don't know if you want me for a friend. I only really feel affection for people I can get moral support from." He responded. "I'm going to leave you alone. I tried to be your friend, and I failed." and I said, "Well, if that's what you want to do. But you didn't fail, I think we just have incompatible ways of communicating."

I won't say he didn't try to be supportive. He did offer to accompany me to the meet-ups. I don't think I was appreciative enough of that. I definitely should have been more complimentary in that area. However, my own anxiety, the kind that I'm working through now, is such that I don't have the capacity to accommodate his dependancy. I feel bad for him, but it's outside of my power to help him. I don't know that he even wants help. It's one of the things limited by an online friendship.

The last person I have to talk about wasn't a furry, but she was on the spectrum. She did have a crush on me (as hard to believe as that may sound), but that all fell apart when, 1. I said I didn't have time to meet for coffee (this was in the middle of 2019), and 2. I posted a picture of a big-bootied tiger chick on twitter, even though I warned he she might want to mute me throughout October. She called me a pervert, said we couldn't be friends anymore, and I asked her to talk this out privately. As it turns out, she thought she might have a chance with me because we met in a support group. Then when I turned her down, she thought I was reprimanding her. I asked if there was a more polite way I could put it, and she didn't have an answer. Over the next couple of months, she railed at me. I couldn't really get to the bottom of her grievance with me, but she didn't articulate it very well. Eventually, she called me a man child, and I said. "Okay… listen, I've tried to get to the heart of the matter, but I get the sense I've just been leading you on unintentially. Is it closure you want?" "Yes." "Then, I hope you find what you're looking for."

One major point I need to make here - I was not angry with her throughout her tyrade. If anything, the complaints were more entertaining than the small talk. I understood that she was at a disadvantage, and that her criticism of me was an attempt to work through her disappointment with how things turned out. I should admit I probably looked like that to the more mature members of the local fur group when I wrote my closure letters to them. I did try to be more adult and balanced, trying to make sure that everything I said was largely in the perimeters of my perspective, and prefacing them with a trigger warning. I don't know what their responses were. I let my counsellors read them. I'm aware that I have a lot of growing up to do, a lot of bitterness to let go of, and a lot of warning signs I need to pay more attention to.

A strategy that seems to have worked out is meeting with the authority figures beforehand and informing them of my past experiences and failings (more succinctly than I do here, of course). It's worked twice so far. I also need to take things much more slowly. I don't know that my sense of humor (dad jokes and lame puns) are universally all that funny. I have managed to make a few people laugh in voice chat, but… I'm still walking on eggshells. I think one of the things I need to do is strengthen the relationships I already have rather than trying to befriend the entire fandom (particularly fursuiters). I already have fursuiter friends. I should develop those friendships a little better. And develop my non-suiter friendships. And my non-furry friends.

The end goal is to see everything that has happened to me that I'm bitter about as, not terrible occurances, but part of the learning process. I think, on the whole, things have gone much better. But I still have some things I need to work through. Some new ways I need to express myself, and so on…