DISCLAIMER: I will be referring to everyone I have a complaint by a pseudonym. If you recognize who I'm talking about in any of these entries, do not divulge their identity anywhere on my userpage.

Venting while I'm not angry has given me a new perspective on things. Rather than seeing my thoughts and feelings as things to be gotten rid of, it's more like organizing my mind and values. The way I was trying to sort out my feelings before was like looking at a messy room and trying to be okay with it, pretending that there was no point in tidying anything. I still want to move to a place where things don't bother me; I'll need to find some place to roleplay (in person) uncomfortable encounters first, where I'll face scolding, reprimands, snubbing, bad attitudes, undue criticism, all the things that have thrown me off balance that I've been talking about for the past few entries.

One of the things that seems to be a trend in bad days is run-ins with authority figures. I need to have some say in my interactions with other people, especially if they hold a position of power. I need to be able (and allowed) to protect myself. This is one of the reasons I try to stay away from IM chats. I have met both level-headed and iron-fisted moderators; any workplace will likely have a mixture of both, but it's usually the more assertive ones who are going to get the most control.

In 2018, I decided to improve my networking. I had very low expectations of my experiences, and, well, even those were disappointed. The furgroup I joined was absolutely cliquish, as I've said before, but I won't be talking about that now. I'm going to be talking about my grievences with the discord moderators I consulted, and the lip service I got in response.

So, I was at first hesitant to go to the emotional support channel, but the first person I spoke with was very supportive. The second time I got on there was after my first failed meet-up, where nobody spoke to me and were pretty much there just to read bullshit off their phones, I tried it again. A woman I'll call 'Wag' was especially dismissive. She said something like, "Yeah a lot of people complain that their first meet-up went weird, but then they go again, and it's all okay." Okay, listen, stuffing. It was not weird that they only talked to each other, it was outright rude. I wonder if you're the same kind of person who'd also blow off the newcomer in any socially group. In most social groups I've tried to join, I will say most people do give more attention to the people they already know, but just because that's the usual thing doesn't mean it's okay.

That by itself wasn't so bad. But I'd come to the emotional support channel again, and each time, all she did was blame me for not trying hard enough. "You're not willing to reach out yourself?" I am, I just get cold indifference in response. She really did not belong in the support channel. It wasn't just me she treated dismissively; most of the people she talked to, she either just gave unasked for advice or outright scoffed at them. The only people she seemed to even try to relate to were people facing financial problems.

I myself was kind of a butt-head for going back there, over and over again, failing to recognize that this was somebody who had no empathy to spare. At one point, I expressed disappointment in how one of my friends was treated. She said, "That sounds like none of your business. Why can't you just be friends with both?" Because the people mistreating my friend were also unfriendly to me. Dumb me for not outright saying that, for trying to be "peaceable." She also said, "Well, you might not want to get involved too deep into this. One thing I've learned is that furries love drama." Well, I don't necessarily disagree with that, but one, no, it's not furries that love drama, it's people that love drama. Two, the well-being of people who are nice to me is my business. Three, where the hell is the supportive part in all of this?

One of my biggest mistakes was expressing my philosophy on penal servitude. I was unhappy that someone who'd been so nice to me had so much controversy surrounding her. I said she may have done something illegal, based on what little I know (Again, I neither outright believe nor disbelieve her or her detractors), but I'd still want to associate with her. I also said that the penalty should be forbidding her to have the thing she can't handle legally, and Ms. Wag and her bossy bossy friend jumped on me, they went on their own tyrades, how overly permissive my philosophy was. Now, by analogy, what I was was akin to saying, "School shooters should have their guns taken away from them." What I was was extremely poorly thought out, and very much tangled up with what I was actually trying to express. In this situation, Wag and her friend were quasi-justified, as I later learned both had been victimized by what I looked like I was defending. However, I still think they could have handled it better. They didn't ask me why I thought that way, they just got angry. I responded by sassing Wag. I said, "I warned you it was controversial." And… well, that was almost the last time I interacted with anyone from that server.

So… one of Wag's male friends was a moderator, but I failed to observe that and the "no extra ping" rule, and so I unwittingly nagged him until she told me off. I was humiliated. This was right after another meet-up where everyone I was sitting near blew me off. I thought that pinging someone was what you did during an ongoing conversation. Well… I apologized to her, we tried to have a conversation, and she was her usual uppity, finger-wagging self. "You are the cause of all your problems," was something she said. "You should go talk to a therapist," was another. And "I understand what you're going through, and it makes me sad. That's why I go so far out of my way to help you." It was the wrong kind of help. She was too judgmental for me to actually hear anything she advised. I left that server, asked her to ban me, and she did so, thinking that I'd be done with the fandom for a while.

Now, I'm not unaware of my own faults. I will say that almost all of this, I had brought on myself for not seeing the warning signs or being direct enough in the name of being "polite" or "patient." I was trying to be a kinder, softer person than I already was. I hadn't taken the steps I needed to become kind. As a result, I failed myself and everyone around me. Still, I hadn't realized that. That is a recent development in my self-understanding. I did take her advice and go to my counsellor. I eventually went back to the server, and one last time, to my local group.

The next to last run-in I had with her is less dramatic. I asked a question about some point system, and she said, "You've been posting in this particular thread. It doesn't count." That was the last straw. That dismissive attitude drove me to confront her. I said, "Look, I'm writing to you so I won't go on another tyrade in the emotional support server, but please don't give me any more advice unless I ask for it." I know, I know, I asked what was going on in this example. But she had been such a bitch in previous interactions that it all boiled over. I later went back to pretending to be nicer than I already was. I had a few more interactions with her; I wrote her a prose poem featuring her fursona, I did what I wish she'd done for me and asked her a light but serious question about learning from hard relationships, and eventually, I just left the server. I haven't spoken to her since. I don't want to.

I've said before that moderators who get into "last word" contests aren't doing their job correctly. There are some more grievances I have to get off my chest with those who will remain unnamed; the template will be like this: Here's what he did, here's what I find wrong with that. Here's what he should have done, and this is what I will do if I see that again.

The most pressing instance was this chick in a separate discord server who'd woken up to snap at some of the members. She was notified, ordered the person not to ping her because she's trying to sleep, then proceeded to not try to go to sleep but continue to bicker with the members. I wasn't involved in this one, thank the lord, but It still got to me. I actually agree with the guy who said, "Turn your phone off if you want to sleep." Lady, you're not the only moderator here. It got worse when another moderator took her side and ordered the supposed nag to chill. I'm leaving any server with a moderation team like that. It's not worth it.

Hmm… the only other instance that comes to mind was the guy I nagged. When I went back to the furry group for the last time (this was after I told Wag not to give me undue advice), I went on yet another public tyrade against my local group. He advised me to leave it for good, and I snapped that I didn't want any advice. He got bitter, said he should have expected that I didn't want any, that I never want advice. And I finally said what I needed to say, "I don't appreciate that remark." And all he said was, "Okay, well, if I'm wrong, so be it." I suspect he was throwing his hands up in the air, but… that was actually preferable to feeding the argument. I didn't apologize, but I did write him a prose poem. He never responded.

After that interaction, I wrote my first closure letter. The guy I sent it to blocked me on telegram, but I actually have more respect for him for that rather than his trying to get into a last-word contest. I still don't like him, but the action he took was something I could say was more mature than other expressions of dislike.

Oh… one more thing. The bossy friend of Wag? I didn't like her either. I understand she had a very abusive childhood, but I don't think she was a very good moderator. She was the kind who thought being supportive meant insulting the people you're mad at. It doesn't work. All it does is stir up further angry feelings. I never had any interactions with her, I just didn't like what I saw of her.

Now, in the last entry, I said of people who criticize the mentally ill that they just don't understand. I myself just don't understand the demands of a moderator. I have befriended a few very nice moderators, some I feel the need to do something nice for. What I see in here is a discrepancy of communication. I did thank one guy for correcting me when I got too graphic in a thread. He was very welcoming. What I need to do is find a way to meet the staff first, keep all my past grievances in my journal entries, as shown here, and take things slowly. And find a roleplay group dedicated to dealing with uncomfortable situations. And then practice that.

I don't know what I'll talk about in the future. I do need to express myself, there's no getting around that. But I have felt happier since deciding to post my suffering on my own turf like this.