NOTE: A more detailed update on current events will be posted in my NEXT journal which I'll be doing later today. *This* one is a reflection of things past to present so I didn't really touch on the full spectrum of what has changed in my life; this was more of an introspective rant on the good, bad, and ugly but there are still some gaps to fill so bear with me until later.

So what have been up to this past year? Other than doing my best to get by, I've taken long introspective reflection on myself, my life, my failures and triumphs..

Many of these situations are not easy to discuss but they can be summarized as follows: The more you know the more you don't know. Pain is a powerful teacher.

The bad news?
I'll be honest with you all, I failed to keep in touch with many people, with upholding a couple of groups I was trusted to watch over as well and overall I've been lost in many ways.
This isn't to say that I'm in a position where I feel incapable of coming out of the twisting pit of bullshit that I've been dealing with but rather I've lost touch with a lot of the creative innocence I've had in the past. In turn, there's this intrusive line of thinking which has slowly twisted me from the inside out which is to say that its left me at a point where I have a habit of giving my power away when I need to hold onto it the most.

By power I mean this literally and symbolically, I've not mentioned this prior but I should note that for several years I was in a living situation where I was not doing the best for myself in many ways. I was living with my best friend, I still care for said person but as they had a tendency to do many things which were a danger to themselves or others, for a while my mind, emotions, my self-care, etc was all strained to a breaking point. I've moved on since then but those years of trying to force many things to work out were not working and its my own doing for not getting what I needed to get taken care of. In the process, I lost touch with myself, my hopes, my creative aspirations and lost track of any existing projects as a result.

And what about any half-finished work that I had saved? All gone unless it was saved on a digital drive, all of my creative work saved to my external drive is now lost after a corruption and lost of data happened as a result. I lost gigs upon gigs of data, from dank memes to photography to creative archives, all gone and yet somehow I'm still doing my best to move forward as if it didn't happen. I didn't come off as phased at the time (and this recent loss of data happened in the past year). However, shrugging these situations off, these moments of loss, is a bit of a defense mechanism I didn't even know I was doing. I've taken so many instances of personal loss as if it was 'normal' and honestly I should have just allowed myself to get 'upset' or emotional about certain things; it seems I've restricted certain feelings from getting too strong or at least, visible, probably out of habit.

Now, what about more current events.... has there been anything else which has worn me out this past while? Yes. Between occasionally struggling to pay bills to having a distance between myself and the world around me in my current city. Without giving too many details, lets just say I don't have any friend's here who are truly familiar with me or whom I can talk to about, well, my life/needs. There are two to four people here who I do consider friends to a point but they don't know me the same as many of you do and due to this it makes it EXTREMELY difficult to find the motivation to socialize or process my own ponderings on self-care. Friendship is a major ordeal for me, just plain and simple companionship means so much to me so when I can't have it physically in RL I've managed to get sucked into a digital whirlwind called social media. Unfortunately, we each have a tendency to crave validation and feedback to an unhealthy extent which can lead to conflicting emotions or complex but unnecessary habits. We might literally lose sleep over the opinions of sheep if we've convinced ourselves the sheep will give us our dopamine fix when necessary.

But on a lighter note, as dismal as much of this might sound, these experiences have been necessary. The ups and downs with previous roommates, the living situations that either didn't work out or led to realizations of just how much of a broken cycle a person can get sucked into before they finally 'snap out of it'. Sometimes we have to face our deepest pitfall into the depths of what feels like limbo before we are allowed to climb a rope out of the abyss into something better. We all have suffered long and hard this year, in our respective ways, haven't we? Will it ever end? Let me go on about something else for this next segment.

The good news?
Well what is the good news then? For starters I'm in a new situation with someone I care a good deal for and I'm living far enough from previous connections to have a change in scenery but close enough to visit old friends with a decent amount of ease if the need arises. I feel like every year that has led up to this one has served a purpose in that each chapter of the past decade has brought me closer to my 'true self'. I do not necessarily even mean this in terms of 'furry' necessarily but something else entirely. In retrospect of the past, for a good while I was really fragmented in my thinking or handling of social/societal situations and for many reasons I would consider myself to have been 'sick' in terms of mental or emotional stability for some time. This was moreso small instances of distance and delusion in how I approached other people and my own well being as well. I've been emotional/mentally stressed and broken on and off for years and for a while this left a bit of a dent in my personal trust for others, even some of which I still hold dear to my heart even now at the end of the world as we know it.

Ultimately, its not all doom and gloom, there's still a light shining not at the end of the tunnel but the entire walk through the dark if only we can allow ourselves to create that spark of hopeful light to begin with. Many of you, my dearest friends, have stuck by me at my worst and done more for me than I feel I deserve, so thank you all for still be around and taking time to hear me and what I have to say. I literally couldn't overcome some of those past barriers and make it this far without you; I could probably rant on in more detail about some of the 'fragments' of what brought me down but there's no reason to dwell on the pain which I've finally triumphed over...

In closing

The past - I'm thankful for my experiences, hardships and trials, despite my failures I've come a long way and will continue to evolve as a person.

The present - A few difficulties have arisen, I need to choose my own needs often enough so that life at home becomes less of a chore and more motivated, creative, and grounded.

The future - Cannot be predicted it can only be created and I'll tell you all right now I'm whipping up a mighty fine alchemical brew of possibilities....

I would like to say more, truly but its now almost 7am and I've been adding to this on and off for a couple of hours. Thank you all for reading this far (or any of it really).