TO SEE WHAT'S FOR SALE Go here: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9715421/

Yeah so if you don't feel like reading my massive fuckwalls of journal text (and I don't blame you) let me simplify my past few journals in a few sentences:

1. Life has been rough for me for a few years, I'm back, I'm alive, I'm moving in a direction for the better despite some struggles.

2. I'm starting over, creatively, in furry, everything. I have some characters I'm willing to part with to further complete this process.

3. I have rent and bills to deal with this coming month, buy an adopt, help me get this shit settled.

4. I don't trust the government to get off their ass and actually give a damn about the american people and if they surprise me, great but until they do I need a boost.

Feel like helping? Donation link is my paypal: paypal.me/abraxis11
(it should pop up with this mantis icon - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/19388548/) abraxis with an 'i' NOT an 'a'

Now here's what's at the center of everything wearing me down right now:
My relationship + my innate need to kill my past and secure my future.

Since I don't feel like making this another journal flooded with a massive wall of text I'll keep this to the point....I'm tired of being attached to my past.

My relationship is a major part of my life right now and while yes I do have a tendency to try and give a lot of love to everyone dear to me, especially longtime friends, there are days that I have to keep the home in one piece and I cannot do that if I'm focusing on everything else except my life with my partner.

I need time and means to truly keep things stable and for too long I've bled myself dry for a lot of people over the past decade and due to my own idiocy (mostly in RL situations) I've failed to keep myself stable and i'm now suffering as a result. The truth is, even in my relationship, I feel like I've once again bled myself dry in many areas; its to the point to where I've actually needed help from others *just* to have any sense of consistency in our ability to stay ahead. This level of unpredictable instability is unacceptable as I can't be the only one pulling the weight of things which is a key reason I'm also leaving behind a lot of bad habits and attachments. It's not merely for me or my partner I have to do this but for those others who are also strained from dealing with our issues we've had, no one wants to help someone else forever and I can't stand that thought either, it sickens me. But due to this craptastic year tha has been 2020, the pandemic, everything, this year has been very non-existent for many of us....it doesn't even feel like its been a year if I'm being honest, this year didnt happen.

But even so...the cluttered consciousness continuously attempts to boil us down into a form easier to consume...we must resist our own need to suffer...

Moving forward, I've grown tired of many attachments, problematic habits and romantic/personal connections straining me. I need to continue to grow as a person and I can't do that with past attachments. This is one reason I've actually sold off some characters over the past year, it wasn't merely to have some extra cash but to actually 'let go' of those chapters of my life and see them become recreated into something new which I feel is a beautiful thing. A part of me will always be in those characters, yes, for that i'm grateful but when it becomes a shadow of your current self and people become more attached to what no longer exists vs. what is actually tangible and PRESENT then it becomes more of a burden and less of a creative expression.

In all things, I will still learn. Failure and pain inspire me to transform and moving into 2021 you'll see the illusion fade and the unknown alien god will remain...

(more excerpts from an upcoming writing.)