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Was asked to write about my Depression and stuff.
4 years ago
Depression and Anxiety, something everyone deals with from time to time, but to tack on a bit of Imposter’s Syndrome among other issues tends to create something I tend to call my Shadow. This looming presence that I often desire help ignoring and defeating, but like all things, help rarely comes. As someone who loves to write and create, nothing hurts worse than people saying they love your work, but not actually showing genuine interest or if they do, it is fleeting. People who say they desire to see more out of you, or write with you but days...weeks...months go by without a single mention of it again.
This is where the Shadow tends to kick in, isn’t it? Tell me I’m not good enough, I’m going to bother people if I talk first, and that they just don’t want me to talk to them anymore. So I grew nervous and anxious and years ago it put a writer's block on me that still exists today. I am told to just write things out anyway and that it will come to me, but people don’t understand that when I try to write things out, the keys and hand never move.
So to try and break that silence in my head, I grew more into DMing and Story Building with others, but what resulted was years of gaining groups I feel happy and comfortable with, just for them to scatter into the wind with very individual exceptions for people that stuck around...some if only barely. People who tell me I’m amazing at writing but don’t talk more, people who say they love me and want me around but ...only talk when I am doing what THEY want instead of what WE want. People who show excitement only because I’m working on something THEY are interested in, even if it’s a fleeting joy for me.
Every group that falls, and every person that leaves from my life, or sits on the sidelines only to say hello every rare occasion, adds more feeling of dread and worthlessness. I get many of them don’t realize it, but I realize many of them don’t think more than two seconds and a dick stroke ahead of themselves. The problem with long term thinking is you see the roads and paths before everyone else does. I’ve had people tell me they are interested in my works and want to Roleplay in my setting, but when the options come up? They completely sideline it and say no more, but they are so eager to have me join in their work without realizing the actual pain that comes with it.
There is more though, I think what hurts are the ‘Pets’ I’ve had over the Decade of my life. The ones that will be there short term, those that leave because I am trying to help them get out of bad situations, or those that leave because they simply do not care about me the way I care about them. I take the title of Master & Pet very seriously, and was trained during a stint at a BDSM group while I was homeless my second time in life. The pain of wanting to put my very soul into others I care for, is a lot like someone slowly carving you up while you still breathe. After a while you grow numb.
People never want to see the signs, or never want to help with them. Most people are selfish and focus on themselves. Am I selfish? A little, I know that, because I want to hoard people together and make them feel good. I want to show them what I can be, and introduce them to new settings and new ideas. To Enjoy this VERY SHORT life we have on this world. Instead, what I get is a Shadow that looms over my shoulder, even as I write this out.
I don’t want pity..I want help. I want someone to stand next to me to prop me up when I am down, even if I go against it. I want people who will persistently talk to me when they can and make sure I am okay. I want friends, who see me disappearing, to stop me, to try and rope me back into the world of the living instead of just watching me sink into quicksand. People who don’t require me to go to them, because I can’t. My anxiety prevents it and sometimes I need a guiding hand more than ‘Go say hi to them’. People do not realize the despair and dread that comes with a person’s pain. The way things grow increasingly difficult even with a Partner and a Few friends, it can still be difficult.
I look down at my hands constantly, and I catch myself doing it, asking myself if it’d be easier on others if I wasn’t around. I constantly ask myself if I really add any joy or pleasure to peoples lives. A lot of them say I do, but they never show it, they never follow through with what they think. It’s kinda sad isn’t it? You are so willing to give, but when it isn’t obvious enough for them, they never show back up. You have to go to them, you have to break your comfort and go through an anxiety attack even for just...a single Hello, How are you doing? You never realize that in order to have friends, you can go above and beyond for them when you can, but they will almost never do the same for you.
There are always exceptions, that I understand, but think of it like a scale you place the heart upon. A heart heavy with pain, grief, despair and anxiety will never be lighter than a feather. This world is meant to be a living one, so we should put joy into our lives, I just..wish it was easier. There is so much more I probably could say about supposed friends and pets, about people actually communicating, about people actually showing they care. But after a while, I just start to realize most people are the same as each other.
The One who tries to rule with an Iron fist as bad as the one he left who did the same thing. The Ones who claim they aren’t as bad as people who used your depression as a weapon against you, but they go about it in a different way that they do not realize what they are doing. The pets that always leave or grow distant because ...well pick a reason? Even when you are there trying to help. After a while, the heart grows numb and disappearing becomes easier.
I only really wrote this, because someone encouraged me to write about my feelings. Even with the LARP group I enjoy, and the idea of doing MILSIM airsoft, or building my own stuff for my favorite settings, it seems like a lost cause. It’s hard to even paint the miniatures I get for my hobby. Oh well right? Someone else will take the mantle, they always do.
This is where the Shadow tends to kick in, isn’t it? Tell me I’m not good enough, I’m going to bother people if I talk first, and that they just don’t want me to talk to them anymore. So I grew nervous and anxious and years ago it put a writer's block on me that still exists today. I am told to just write things out anyway and that it will come to me, but people don’t understand that when I try to write things out, the keys and hand never move.
So to try and break that silence in my head, I grew more into DMing and Story Building with others, but what resulted was years of gaining groups I feel happy and comfortable with, just for them to scatter into the wind with very individual exceptions for people that stuck around...some if only barely. People who tell me I’m amazing at writing but don’t talk more, people who say they love me and want me around but ...only talk when I am doing what THEY want instead of what WE want. People who show excitement only because I’m working on something THEY are interested in, even if it’s a fleeting joy for me.
Every group that falls, and every person that leaves from my life, or sits on the sidelines only to say hello every rare occasion, adds more feeling of dread and worthlessness. I get many of them don’t realize it, but I realize many of them don’t think more than two seconds and a dick stroke ahead of themselves. The problem with long term thinking is you see the roads and paths before everyone else does. I’ve had people tell me they are interested in my works and want to Roleplay in my setting, but when the options come up? They completely sideline it and say no more, but they are so eager to have me join in their work without realizing the actual pain that comes with it.
There is more though, I think what hurts are the ‘Pets’ I’ve had over the Decade of my life. The ones that will be there short term, those that leave because I am trying to help them get out of bad situations, or those that leave because they simply do not care about me the way I care about them. I take the title of Master & Pet very seriously, and was trained during a stint at a BDSM group while I was homeless my second time in life. The pain of wanting to put my very soul into others I care for, is a lot like someone slowly carving you up while you still breathe. After a while you grow numb.
People never want to see the signs, or never want to help with them. Most people are selfish and focus on themselves. Am I selfish? A little, I know that, because I want to hoard people together and make them feel good. I want to show them what I can be, and introduce them to new settings and new ideas. To Enjoy this VERY SHORT life we have on this world. Instead, what I get is a Shadow that looms over my shoulder, even as I write this out.
I don’t want pity..I want help. I want someone to stand next to me to prop me up when I am down, even if I go against it. I want people who will persistently talk to me when they can and make sure I am okay. I want friends, who see me disappearing, to stop me, to try and rope me back into the world of the living instead of just watching me sink into quicksand. People who don’t require me to go to them, because I can’t. My anxiety prevents it and sometimes I need a guiding hand more than ‘Go say hi to them’. People do not realize the despair and dread that comes with a person’s pain. The way things grow increasingly difficult even with a Partner and a Few friends, it can still be difficult.
I look down at my hands constantly, and I catch myself doing it, asking myself if it’d be easier on others if I wasn’t around. I constantly ask myself if I really add any joy or pleasure to peoples lives. A lot of them say I do, but they never show it, they never follow through with what they think. It’s kinda sad isn’t it? You are so willing to give, but when it isn’t obvious enough for them, they never show back up. You have to go to them, you have to break your comfort and go through an anxiety attack even for just...a single Hello, How are you doing? You never realize that in order to have friends, you can go above and beyond for them when you can, but they will almost never do the same for you.
There are always exceptions, that I understand, but think of it like a scale you place the heart upon. A heart heavy with pain, grief, despair and anxiety will never be lighter than a feather. This world is meant to be a living one, so we should put joy into our lives, I just..wish it was easier. There is so much more I probably could say about supposed friends and pets, about people actually communicating, about people actually showing they care. But after a while, I just start to realize most people are the same as each other.
The One who tries to rule with an Iron fist as bad as the one he left who did the same thing. The Ones who claim they aren’t as bad as people who used your depression as a weapon against you, but they go about it in a different way that they do not realize what they are doing. The pets that always leave or grow distant because ...well pick a reason? Even when you are there trying to help. After a while, the heart grows numb and disappearing becomes easier.
I only really wrote this, because someone encouraged me to write about my feelings. Even with the LARP group I enjoy, and the idea of doing MILSIM airsoft, or building my own stuff for my favorite settings, it seems like a lost cause. It’s hard to even paint the miniatures I get for my hobby. Oh well right? Someone else will take the mantle, they always do.
