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Issues..
4 years ago
Journal of High Strangeness.
This last week or so has been rough for me. I am okay now. But, I have come to the conclusion that I have some mental issues that need to be addressed and taken care of. I was not aware I had gotten so bad until I was presented with a chance to do something fun with a friend of mine I was invited to go see a concert in Kentucky for five days. I said I would go, because that sounded like something Pre-pandemic me would have wanted to do. I want/wanted to see some of my favorite bands and hang out with some of my best friends. But after the facts set in and I began to think about it the anxiety started to build inside me. It did not take long before it grew to an impossible to deal with feeling. I woke up the next morning and dry heaved into the bath tub for ten minutes, and could not eat until well into the day. the day and night after that my heart felt like it had a thousand angry butterfly's going nuts. I was hot and sweaty in my face and chest, sweating bullets. Logically, I shouldn't have any reason to feel the way I do/did. I am embarrassed to say I called my friend at work and ugly cried over the phone. I must have raised her stress levels quite a bit and for that I apologize...That's not a thing that happens to me often, and I am not sure how to deal with It. I think Brendan had seen me cry like that a couple of times, and we have been together for 10 years. I am in a spot now, where I understand that i have a problem, and I am taking steps to correct that problem. Its going to take some time. I have been dealing with personal seclusion for a long time now. We lived with another Friend in New Mexico for like three years or so, and in that time I worked nights as a security guard at a place where you saw only a few people a day, and spoke to mostly nobody. I got to the point where everything just seamed to be home and work. I just stayed home the rest of the time. Being on nights, I was never awake for long enough during the day to do anything, so i secluded myself. I did that for like 4 years before the pandemic, and when the pandemic hit after we moved out here and I haven't had a job in two years now. I am a diabetic Asthmatic so I am on the list of "At Risk" people, so I haven't bothered to try very hard to get a job, as we are in a situation where I do not absolutely have to right now. Anyway I am high and rambling right now so Ill get to the point, I have some mental issues I am dealing with right now and I am doing what I can to manage them in a healthy way. Thank you for your understanding and support.
soulcat012
~soulcat012
for years i told you guys... " somethings wrong and i cant figure it out" i had become secluded as well, stuck to my room on the pc, rarely able to talk or hold conversations. that light that was me seemed to have dimmed and that personality that i had that we all became friends by was dead. i had often thought " my job killed my personality" which part of it was that. As of recent i finally began to seek help. My old fashioned ideal of " i dont do doctors" finally fading away as ive been seeking help for my issues. Remo, i visited a specialist that finally helped me find what was wrong. As of last month im officially diagnosed with low testosterone. something in my body is inhibiting my bodies ability to create testosterone. its been determined that this has been happening to me for many years. As i saw the specialist, my heart sank as he asked questions of symptoms and they were all symptoms that i displayed on a regular basis. I couldnt believe it. It was like the questionaire was made for me exact. Since seeing the doctor they have began me on therapies designed to help to include injections. While it sucks having to inject myself every week with this, im over the last month coming back to life. I can talk again, i can laugh again. i can hold conversations and nearly cant shut up. It was found that before, my testosterone was so low that i was in danger of my body shutting down, as in death. im not sure this story will help you, but it might be something to look into. You mentioned some things you have that i have that have caused some of my issues. It could be possible that you are expieriencing the same? and it just might help.
RemoTheMeek
~remothemeek
OP
That's actually something I had considered. Ive been going to the doctor and they haven't mentioned that yet. But i am seeing the bottom of the barrel doctors right now. We don't have insurance any more and i have been out of work sense before the pandemic started, right after we moved out here to Oklahoma. Brendan is supporting us right now and we cant really afford to go to specialist. Something has been wrong with me for a long time and i sort of just chocked it up to Depression, ADHD and my type 2 Diabetes. Ive been trying to be better as much as I can. Ive been going out more when I get the chance, not turning down friends when they wanna do something even though I might not want to at the time. I am actively taking steps to improve myself, and the next time i go to the doctor I will bring up the lo testosterone thing and see if there is anything behind that. this has been happening for a long time and its ruined some good relationships, I hadn't understood that I even had a problem until the top came off the bottle, so to speak. I hear your call for me to get help and I am not insulted, I agree. I just cant afford it. But, when i can I will take your advice. I value your input, thank you for sharing.
