This has been the worst year of my life, a constant battle with just... wanting to exist.

I had a fiance, friends, a job. It's all gone.
I'll try to keep it short, there's so many details to everything, but the general idea is here. I know everyone's tired of seeing bad things. I just wanted to update where I've been and what's going on.

My Fiance was cheating all through 2020, and blamed it on her ADHD. Told me right before Christmas that she "remembered". Said we would be ok and go to couple's counseling and she'd spend time with me, she was full of lies, she did none of those things. She left this year, back in March. Her friends (my former friends now) and her just took her stuff while I was out at the store.
I couldn't afford to stay in our apartment, I got an offer from a friend up north to live with her and her mom and I could start my Etsy store.
I quit my exploitive job with toxic management and moved.

That turned into a huge wreck, my friend's mom was a terrible abusive person, my friend stayed with her Fiance, and I was alone with her mom, and struggling to make it through on my own with anxiety attacks and remembering my fiance.
I couldn't stay up there, couldn't afford to support her crazy mom or get my own place alone. So after working so hard, being a good person, doing everything I could for the woman I loved, getting a home with her... losing it all...
I'm back in my toxic parent's home.

While living up north for a month or two, I at least got to see my two friends there a few weekends. and being away from everything I was able to think and explore some things that had been on my mind. And I'm pretty sure I'm transgender, I feel that I should have been a woman, and should have been able to figure that out sooner.

All year I've been trying to get help. The American health care system keeps letting me down.
My impacted wisdom teeth exploded under their own pressure over 2 months ago, dentists told me they couldn't help, or that the doctor didn't like queer people, or the soonest they could get me in was months away.
My old therapist's office isn't taking me in for new appointments because I was already "cured" last year and was on meds.
Well, they also fired my doctor, told me they would get a replacement, I had an appointment, the doctor ghosted me. they don't return my calls, and during the worst time of my life, I was cut off from my anxiety and depression meds.
I have sleep apnea, my airway gets obstructed by my tonsils, soft pallet, and uvula. I stop breathing and choke in my sleep. My now Ex-fiance told me about it when we were together and that she'd help me find a doctor, she never made the slightest effort to help, she was too busy cheating.

My Ex angered a lot of people, her friends passive aggressively harassed me. Before she had left me, she picked political fights with one of my oldest time friends, and co-founder of our local LEGO group. I tried to talk to him, but he was too far gone to listen to me.
I resigned and left the group I had founded after 10 years.
Through her manipulations and other actions, I've lost more friends.

Everyone lives so far away or is too busy for me. I'm alone here with my transphobic, conservative, super religious parents. Their home is a mess, I'm trying to clean it on my own, it's very slow work. It's not healthy here. And all my friends have moved away, I'm alone, this city has lost so much.

Mentally... I've pretty much checked out.
I can't feel positive emotions anymore, every day since March 6th, has had me missing my fiance. Constantly feeling betrayed and worthless.
I feel I make progress, but then something reminds me about her. Some friends have not been helpful, just telling me to get over her like it's just some casual girl friend. They've gaslighted me, saying I'm upset over nothing, my feelings are not valid.
I haven't been able to bring myself to go to her favorite stores. or play the games we used to play together.
I have to stop myself from ordering for her at places she liked. For a moment I start to order her dish, thinking I'll bring it home and surprise her... that she's still home, waiting for me to get back from work and give her kisses. I still wake up sometimes, rolling over and putting my arm over-nothing-, there's no one there.

I'm so angry at her... but I still fucking miss her, so damn much. My heart is empty, broken, and worthless.

I constantly have nightmares now, I don't like to sleep. I wake up from them, thinking for a second that she'll be there to tell me it's ok.

I'm. really struggling. Everything is a monumental effort, just to get up and feed myself is hard. If it wasn't for being responsible for some animals, I wouldn't get up.

I've got a handful of friends that have been very supportive and caring. but I think I'm just annoying everyone. They tried to help and give advice, but my life is just hot garbage and nothing has worked out. I don't want to bother them anymore. They're happy with their own relationships, they'll be ok.
I'm tired of failing everyone... failing myself. I'm just a monumental failure and a letdown.

I had covid at the end of the year/start of this year. A bit after she had told me she was cheating. And I'll be honest. I fucking wish I hadn't survived. I would have rather died and not seen her continue to lie and emotionally abuse me. I would have rather died than seen her leave me without even trying to fix things, just throwing me away like an old used up bag.

My life, myself.... it's just broken and shattered, and I don't know if there are pieces left to pick back up.
I'm not okay.
I'm just... so tired. I just want to lie down and stop hurting.

Anyway, my friends, if you read this, I'm sorry for being such a burden. I've squandered your help and support and I just kept failing. I'm sorry.
And if my Ex-Fiance ever sees anything, I hope you're okay and happy. I hope you kept learning to paint, and get to go on trips to your favorite places still. I'm sorry you wasted your time with me. You were the best thing to happen to me.