The abuse is becoming worse and worse every single time. Two days before my birthday my mother made reservations to watch the new west side story movie. Because of my trauma I tried to bring up the fact that it would trigger my PTSD due to a part in the movie where a woman is held down and almost raped. She got insanely angry at me and said that I will no longer have a birthday and I will no longer have christmas. She screamed in my face and told me Im disgusting and ungrateful. I went to see the movie on my birthday on the 15th. I have been having PTSD nightmares every single night since then. Im exhausted from lack of sleep. I got into an arguement with my partner and he went to cool off. My mother started screaming at me and getting inches from my face and telling me how disgusting and horrible I am. How I ruined her life. How I ruin everything. I got up to try and apologize to my partner and she screamed after me how I better get the fuck out of the room and how I was no longer welcome to have dinner with the family. I broke down in front of my partner and I told him to go eat dinner with my family to appease my mother and so she wouldnt come after me again. So I was forced to be apart from him and to be by myself so that she wouldnt come after me. After everyone was done eating she comes to my room and "invites" me to come eat dinner. Everything was cold and she sat there staring at me the entire time as I ate. After ever seperate food I ate she would ask me how I liked it. She was grinning the entire time. After the green beans she would ask me how it was. After the potatoes she asked me how it was. After the lamb she asked me how it was. I'm wondering when she starts to get violent again. She stopped hitting me when I got bigger then her. She keeps bringing up how I need to lose weight when I have already drastically cut my food intake down. Im losing weight but I guess I can cut back more if it means that she might leave me alone. I kinda just want to kill myself and have the pain stop. But I cant do that to my partners. I am unwell emotionally. All I have is my rps with my partners and my characters. Thats whats keeping me alive. I dont know what to do anymore. She keeps deadnaming me even though she knows I go by Luca now. She refuses to use my pronouns. I just want to scream and I'm breaking down more and more. I dont know how much longer I can keep up like this with so little sleep. I need help. I need to escape but Im stuck here with her. Ive given up mostly. I was feeling so much better and then she made me see that movie and told me that she wouldnt celebrate my birthday or christmas. Im trying so hard to be a good person but Im just not. Im a terrible human being and I deserve to die. I deserve nothing and I should just let myself die. I know that nobody truly likes me. She's right about me, I'm nothing but a parasite.