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Everything is falling apart.. But I'm rebuilding it again...
3 years ago
Hello all! After a long, unplanned absense, I return here with tears of sadness and happiness in my eyes, finally able to write at least one word here. A sequence of events happened which I still cannot talk about well in the present state, that's why It took me 2 separate days to write this, but to the point.
How did it start? all from when my first day in the psychiatric hospital began. I think it was the worst one, I was very afraid of the new surrounding, I was moving away from everyone who spoke to me, I was avoiding contact, sometimes I was even twitching with uncertainty. After 1 day, I didn't sleep through the night then, I couldn't squint my eyes. deadly silence, leaving behind not even the slightest gust of wind on the leaves of the tree outside the window. in the morning, I could barely stand on my feets, fatigue combined with a growing fear just made me feel unbalanced. I was unable to function and therefore my diagnosis was useless. then they said that they would keep me here for 1 extra day, but the next day they would assign me a special "guardian" of a psychologist, a therapist who does not work in this way professionally, but is a kind of smart buddy to talk to. He was of a similar age to mine, I could see that he has psychological therapist veins, but not as sharp as those from psychologists who work in hospitals, schools, etc. of course it was not easy, but definitely easier than with some specialists trying to "to tame me" to a new environment for even such a short time. When I realized that man was not dangerous or had no malicious intent, he became just a stranger to me, someone I also avoid, but to a lesser extent than someone I fear. There were single diagnostic rooms, which means that everyone who was called for a weekly diagnosis at the same time as me (4 people except me) each of them got their own room, but each of us had it in the same corridor, 5 steps apart. My "buddy" spent all my free time with me, escorted me for all kinds of interactions and "tests", and always waited to come with me to my room and prepare me for the next day and let me forget what was already there. He was just like a friend that I didn't trust, but I felt a great fondness for him. It was thanks to him that I managed to survive this period of time. When we said goodbye to each other, I threw myself at him with a hug, I knew that I would miss him even though he is a stranger to me, who I do not trust because he was involved in this whole thing with the hospital, but he did for me much more than anyone there, and I can appreciate something like that, even if I don't feel completely at ease with it. Leaving this hospital, I had mixed emotions. My smile was full of sparkling happiness that I would finally be able to come back here, embrace my friend in my arms with the motorcycle that had been waiting for me all this time in a locked garage that I did not have key for, but despite everything, my eyes were still full of gray, fear and anxiety, which in the end looked like I was half happy and half sad. Leaving this building, I felt relieved that it was over for now, I felt my whole body loosen up after being tied up by stress ropes for a week. However, the end of this event was the beginning of the second.
When I was next to the the road in front of this hospital, for reasons which I cannot provide here yet (only in private messages) because it is too complicated, I fainted, fell to the ground, and after hitting the pavement with my head, I lost consciousness. that's how the whole time when i wasn't here has passed. I woke up recently, awake from a coma, which was a prolongation of unconsciousness, with a respirator mask over my face, in a normal hospital. It's hard for me to describe which feeling of fear in which of the two hospitals was that worse one. When I asked the doctor what happened to me, he replied that as a result of a head contusion, I suffered a minor concussion, which unfortunately carried an impending post-traumatic hemorrhage, which then resulted in cardiac arrest, preventing me from breathing for a short time. All of this happened while I was in a coma about which everyone knew little. It could last for hours or even years. Usually such comas occur after damage to the brain vertebrae or more serious injuries, not after ordinary shock, but I did not get an answer to this question. When I woke up I didn't realize how dangerous it was, only when my only friend irl visited me the next day, he spent hours talking to me, it's hard to wonder, before all this we talked to each other every day, and now suddenly he lost the ability to communicate with me for a month. Despite the concussion that started it all, I remember well everything that happened before, but I don't know what it was like when I was asleep, I only have the words of a friend who was watching over my bed every day, he was talking to me holding my hand despite no answer. He was next to me, when my condition deteriorated drastically and my life began to be in danger. He was squeezing my hand when my heart stopped beating due to a hemorrhage, saying that I saw tears approaching his eyes, I had no doubts that it was the scariest moment of his life. As he watched me hooked up to life support devices, panic spread over his entire body as the cardiac monitor at one point no longer showed any heartbeat, only straight line and squeaking. In this respect I'm glad I didn't see it, I think as a friend, I wouldn't be able to bear it emotionally. Our first meeting after a month, unfortunately in the hospital, was the one that squeezed all our tears out of both of us.
It was all like a chain of events, culminating in an irreversible tragedy that could make my psychiatric hospital journal to be that last one here. It's not the first time I've faced death, but my "facing it" has always been limited to motorcycles. There, even with a harmless looking accident, there is a lottery, will you come out of it all safely or without breath. but here I know how serious it was, and probably if it had happened on the street and not in a hospital under full control, it could have ended a lot worse.
I know that it looks a bit unexplained here, but as I write this, I am still in the hospital under observation, with a stable state, but with emotions burdened with so many events that I do not even have the strength to browse the Internet, I just lie with my eyes closed every day and think about everything what was, what could have been and what was when I did not see. For my friend and for the whole FA, I will do my best to get out of this as quickly as possible, and once again show to fate that attempts to pull me down have ended in my victory again. after I put my friend under a lot of stress, I can't come to terms with the thought that I was completely powerless to it, that all this was happening out of my control and awareness. It is a very strange and unpleasant feeling when you wake up in the hospital with a mask on your mouth and nose, a doctor comes up to you and says that you have been in a coma for a month, and all the while several people were fighting for your life and your friend was walking on the walls because of stress.
It was unpredictable, it all happened suddenly and no one expected it, but nevertheless, I would like to tell it to each of you with all my heart, to take care of yourselves. even when your heart is full of happiness or sadness, even when you feel you are in control of everything, your control may slip out of your hands. I will say this: Do not fully trust your walking cane, which you load with all your mind and then walk with it on a slippery surface. It takes a moment for you to fall to the ground with this cane as a result of a slip. Be aware, do not trust fate which gives the impression that it was drawn with colored pencils.
I think I will have to stay here for a few more days, therefore, we will meet again in some time. To those who were worried about me, wondering why my week is turning into a month, I would like to apologize you all. I didn't want fear to born in you because of me ;( My comments and answers to everything on FA are another separate thing. There are 63 new works here that are still waiting for my words, 5 comments that I also want to respond to, 2 journals that I would also like to cover with my comments, and 3 notes that are most important to me, because they are private messages to me from some of you, I can't treat them with ignorance. It's quite a lot of work on words, I want to look at each of these 63 new works from different angles, not at all the same, with the statement in my head "I just have to comment on all of them". I'll take care of it when I get out of here, and I'll try to work on notes while I'm here. I hope it's a good idea, at the moment the only one that comes to my mind ;/
I don't know what to do next, but I know one thing. I will definitely contact you here again when I will arrange everything in my head, and I have a lot to arrange. Take care dearest friends, I'll always love you all <3
How did it start? all from when my first day in the psychiatric hospital began. I think it was the worst one, I was very afraid of the new surrounding, I was moving away from everyone who spoke to me, I was avoiding contact, sometimes I was even twitching with uncertainty. After 1 day, I didn't sleep through the night then, I couldn't squint my eyes. deadly silence, leaving behind not even the slightest gust of wind on the leaves of the tree outside the window. in the morning, I could barely stand on my feets, fatigue combined with a growing fear just made me feel unbalanced. I was unable to function and therefore my diagnosis was useless. then they said that they would keep me here for 1 extra day, but the next day they would assign me a special "guardian" of a psychologist, a therapist who does not work in this way professionally, but is a kind of smart buddy to talk to. He was of a similar age to mine, I could see that he has psychological therapist veins, but not as sharp as those from psychologists who work in hospitals, schools, etc. of course it was not easy, but definitely easier than with some specialists trying to "to tame me" to a new environment for even such a short time. When I realized that man was not dangerous or had no malicious intent, he became just a stranger to me, someone I also avoid, but to a lesser extent than someone I fear. There were single diagnostic rooms, which means that everyone who was called for a weekly diagnosis at the same time as me (4 people except me) each of them got their own room, but each of us had it in the same corridor, 5 steps apart. My "buddy" spent all my free time with me, escorted me for all kinds of interactions and "tests", and always waited to come with me to my room and prepare me for the next day and let me forget what was already there. He was just like a friend that I didn't trust, but I felt a great fondness for him. It was thanks to him that I managed to survive this period of time. When we said goodbye to each other, I threw myself at him with a hug, I knew that I would miss him even though he is a stranger to me, who I do not trust because he was involved in this whole thing with the hospital, but he did for me much more than anyone there, and I can appreciate something like that, even if I don't feel completely at ease with it. Leaving this hospital, I had mixed emotions. My smile was full of sparkling happiness that I would finally be able to come back here, embrace my friend in my arms with the motorcycle that had been waiting for me all this time in a locked garage that I did not have key for, but despite everything, my eyes were still full of gray, fear and anxiety, which in the end looked like I was half happy and half sad. Leaving this building, I felt relieved that it was over for now, I felt my whole body loosen up after being tied up by stress ropes for a week. However, the end of this event was the beginning of the second.
When I was next to the the road in front of this hospital, for reasons which I cannot provide here yet (only in private messages) because it is too complicated, I fainted, fell to the ground, and after hitting the pavement with my head, I lost consciousness. that's how the whole time when i wasn't here has passed. I woke up recently, awake from a coma, which was a prolongation of unconsciousness, with a respirator mask over my face, in a normal hospital. It's hard for me to describe which feeling of fear in which of the two hospitals was that worse one. When I asked the doctor what happened to me, he replied that as a result of a head contusion, I suffered a minor concussion, which unfortunately carried an impending post-traumatic hemorrhage, which then resulted in cardiac arrest, preventing me from breathing for a short time. All of this happened while I was in a coma about which everyone knew little. It could last for hours or even years. Usually such comas occur after damage to the brain vertebrae or more serious injuries, not after ordinary shock, but I did not get an answer to this question. When I woke up I didn't realize how dangerous it was, only when my only friend irl visited me the next day, he spent hours talking to me, it's hard to wonder, before all this we talked to each other every day, and now suddenly he lost the ability to communicate with me for a month. Despite the concussion that started it all, I remember well everything that happened before, but I don't know what it was like when I was asleep, I only have the words of a friend who was watching over my bed every day, he was talking to me holding my hand despite no answer. He was next to me, when my condition deteriorated drastically and my life began to be in danger. He was squeezing my hand when my heart stopped beating due to a hemorrhage, saying that I saw tears approaching his eyes, I had no doubts that it was the scariest moment of his life. As he watched me hooked up to life support devices, panic spread over his entire body as the cardiac monitor at one point no longer showed any heartbeat, only straight line and squeaking. In this respect I'm glad I didn't see it, I think as a friend, I wouldn't be able to bear it emotionally. Our first meeting after a month, unfortunately in the hospital, was the one that squeezed all our tears out of both of us.
It was all like a chain of events, culminating in an irreversible tragedy that could make my psychiatric hospital journal to be that last one here. It's not the first time I've faced death, but my "facing it" has always been limited to motorcycles. There, even with a harmless looking accident, there is a lottery, will you come out of it all safely or without breath. but here I know how serious it was, and probably if it had happened on the street and not in a hospital under full control, it could have ended a lot worse.
I know that it looks a bit unexplained here, but as I write this, I am still in the hospital under observation, with a stable state, but with emotions burdened with so many events that I do not even have the strength to browse the Internet, I just lie with my eyes closed every day and think about everything what was, what could have been and what was when I did not see. For my friend and for the whole FA, I will do my best to get out of this as quickly as possible, and once again show to fate that attempts to pull me down have ended in my victory again. after I put my friend under a lot of stress, I can't come to terms with the thought that I was completely powerless to it, that all this was happening out of my control and awareness. It is a very strange and unpleasant feeling when you wake up in the hospital with a mask on your mouth and nose, a doctor comes up to you and says that you have been in a coma for a month, and all the while several people were fighting for your life and your friend was walking on the walls because of stress.
It was unpredictable, it all happened suddenly and no one expected it, but nevertheless, I would like to tell it to each of you with all my heart, to take care of yourselves. even when your heart is full of happiness or sadness, even when you feel you are in control of everything, your control may slip out of your hands. I will say this: Do not fully trust your walking cane, which you load with all your mind and then walk with it on a slippery surface. It takes a moment for you to fall to the ground with this cane as a result of a slip. Be aware, do not trust fate which gives the impression that it was drawn with colored pencils.
I think I will have to stay here for a few more days, therefore, we will meet again in some time. To those who were worried about me, wondering why my week is turning into a month, I would like to apologize you all. I didn't want fear to born in you because of me ;( My comments and answers to everything on FA are another separate thing. There are 63 new works here that are still waiting for my words, 5 comments that I also want to respond to, 2 journals that I would also like to cover with my comments, and 3 notes that are most important to me, because they are private messages to me from some of you, I can't treat them with ignorance. It's quite a lot of work on words, I want to look at each of these 63 new works from different angles, not at all the same, with the statement in my head "I just have to comment on all of them". I'll take care of it when I get out of here, and I'll try to work on notes while I'm here. I hope it's a good idea, at the moment the only one that comes to my mind ;/
I don't know what to do next, but I know one thing. I will definitely contact you here again when I will arrange everything in my head, and I have a lot to arrange. Take care dearest friends, I'll always love you all <3
even though we dont know what the other looks like, even though we only know a sliver into each others lives, i still feel as though you are one of my dearest friends. I wish I could have been there in real life to support you, but this comment section will have to do!
Please do not worry too much about us, just focus on yourself and your own healing.. i cant imagine the fear you were experiencing </3
We all love you leanthir! Take care of yourself, treat yourself to your favorite activities, drinks, and snacks whenever possible and GET BETTER SOON! ^-^
I'm glad that you got through a bad chapter and are now tackling the next one.
If that weren't the case, you wouldn't be able to talk to us at all.
And you're not like that, that's not how I got to know and love you at FA. 💪
Draw new strength as you collect your thoughts to form words that allow you to process the situation.
When the time comes, give us these words so that we can analyze them together with you, process them and shape them into something beautiful. I'll always be by your side, sweetie. Together we will weather these troubled waters and bring you to a safe haven.
Until then, I am patiently waiting for your next message. I wish you all the best! 🥰
On this way, however, we must not forget that we need to rest. Gather your powers, combine them and we will use them against everything that will stand in our way.
Feyra, Bubi and Treka will also be there so we are not alone. 🥰
Sorry that I didnt saw your journal earlier. Thats horrible D:
OMG x.x I wish you a fast recovery from all this Lilly.