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3 years ago
Hello all!
This is an update message that I finally decided to put here because it's definitely time for it. On Thursday morning I left the hospital, escorted home by a friend, and... yup and.. Tuesday begins, and I still feel like I'm staring through the glass at everything that has happened over the past few weeks, unable to break that glass, unable to look away.
I do not know what to write here, I am not writing it fully regenerated, I have the impression that it is not even the beginning of it, but I wanted everyone to know that the hospital period of this event is over. I spent the last 5 days trying to find myself in my own house, but I experienced that even a warm house can turn into an ice cave from which you want to escape as soon as possible. I could not do anything. I couldn't take a nap, when I lay on the couch, I was attacked by memories of lying in the hospital, I couldn't spend time at FA, every time I went in here and tried to touch the older works that had appeared here during this time, I felt like I was bursting into tears. What hurts me the most is that I have started to hate motorcycles, which in my case is absurd. this whole accident, is related to the most tragic incident that I experienced on a motorcycle a few years ago. Now, as I approach my two-wheeled love, the closer I get, the more I feel the prickling in my heart, the minimal dizziness caused by the multiplied memories. I don't want to live like this, I tried to overcome this force, I tried to sit in the garage on the motorcycle, when I grabbed the handlebar, a sight that I saw a few years ago appeared before my eyes, which made me crying for many months and feel it until now. I ended it all with tears, of course.
I am ashamed here, I believe in my strength, I believe in the strength that this whole place gives me, that each of you gives me from your own hearts, the strength to survive the next day, and with each subsequent hour I have the impression that a lot of rays of joy in my soul are splashing one by one, like soap bubbles. Fortunately, I do not miss the company of a friend who visits me now as systematically as in the hospital, giving me a bit of comfort, but I still ask myself what next.
I won't hide it, I'm terribly worried about it. what will be tomorrow, what will be with the FA that hangs on one thread for me now, will I ever be able to come back here? will I ever regain my enthusiasm to spread happiness here again among those who fuel it in me? I do not know by myself. I want to fight, but I feel my last hopes disappearing from me. not enough time had passed to talk about it, but I had never felt so weak, so powerless. I used to try to get up, closing my eyes and telling myself that no matter what in front of me, time would help me fade it away. Now, only time can help me. The motorcycle passion that helped me go through all the difficult moments failed, memories take over me, making it impossible for me to function on a daily basis.
The biggest problem is I can't just sit and wait. On September 1, I start my apprenticeship in a hairdressing salon again, I don't know how I will be able to go there with the same face as before the holidays. I am not able to look at anything in my house with a smile as I used to, I cannot approach the motorcycle, I cannot avoid the memories that laugh at me in my head. I'm ashamed of myself for giving up my mind so easily, and now I'm trying to rebuild it all with my soul, heart, feelings that, even all together, will not overcome my contaminated mind.
I do not want to write systematically about how bad it is, I have a problem to write any word here, making a meaningful sentence is very difficult for me, after each word I am attacked by memories, after which I often write things that do not match each other because I just don't think about them. I have to write a fragment, check it several times after some time, I don't want to function like that here, but I don't want to say goodbye to this place for a long time. It annoys me how all the paths around me are suddenly blocked by stones, cutting off any escape routes, cutting off my ideas.
I don't think I will speak up here again until everything has calmed down, but I'm not sure if that moment will ever come, I feel depressed and I don't want anyone to see it. I will not abandon FA, but I know now that this time it will not be the same as before. I would gladly accept even the shortest moments of conversation with each of you, but for this I need my certainty of the words, something that I do not know if I have at the moment
after all, after these words that I wanted to reach each of you, I can only assure you of my efforts, and send a huge apology..
This is an update message that I finally decided to put here because it's definitely time for it. On Thursday morning I left the hospital, escorted home by a friend, and... yup and.. Tuesday begins, and I still feel like I'm staring through the glass at everything that has happened over the past few weeks, unable to break that glass, unable to look away.
I do not know what to write here, I am not writing it fully regenerated, I have the impression that it is not even the beginning of it, but I wanted everyone to know that the hospital period of this event is over. I spent the last 5 days trying to find myself in my own house, but I experienced that even a warm house can turn into an ice cave from which you want to escape as soon as possible. I could not do anything. I couldn't take a nap, when I lay on the couch, I was attacked by memories of lying in the hospital, I couldn't spend time at FA, every time I went in here and tried to touch the older works that had appeared here during this time, I felt like I was bursting into tears. What hurts me the most is that I have started to hate motorcycles, which in my case is absurd. this whole accident, is related to the most tragic incident that I experienced on a motorcycle a few years ago. Now, as I approach my two-wheeled love, the closer I get, the more I feel the prickling in my heart, the minimal dizziness caused by the multiplied memories. I don't want to live like this, I tried to overcome this force, I tried to sit in the garage on the motorcycle, when I grabbed the handlebar, a sight that I saw a few years ago appeared before my eyes, which made me crying for many months and feel it until now. I ended it all with tears, of course.
I am ashamed here, I believe in my strength, I believe in the strength that this whole place gives me, that each of you gives me from your own hearts, the strength to survive the next day, and with each subsequent hour I have the impression that a lot of rays of joy in my soul are splashing one by one, like soap bubbles. Fortunately, I do not miss the company of a friend who visits me now as systematically as in the hospital, giving me a bit of comfort, but I still ask myself what next.
I won't hide it, I'm terribly worried about it. what will be tomorrow, what will be with the FA that hangs on one thread for me now, will I ever be able to come back here? will I ever regain my enthusiasm to spread happiness here again among those who fuel it in me? I do not know by myself. I want to fight, but I feel my last hopes disappearing from me. not enough time had passed to talk about it, but I had never felt so weak, so powerless. I used to try to get up, closing my eyes and telling myself that no matter what in front of me, time would help me fade it away. Now, only time can help me. The motorcycle passion that helped me go through all the difficult moments failed, memories take over me, making it impossible for me to function on a daily basis.
The biggest problem is I can't just sit and wait. On September 1, I start my apprenticeship in a hairdressing salon again, I don't know how I will be able to go there with the same face as before the holidays. I am not able to look at anything in my house with a smile as I used to, I cannot approach the motorcycle, I cannot avoid the memories that laugh at me in my head. I'm ashamed of myself for giving up my mind so easily, and now I'm trying to rebuild it all with my soul, heart, feelings that, even all together, will not overcome my contaminated mind.
I do not want to write systematically about how bad it is, I have a problem to write any word here, making a meaningful sentence is very difficult for me, after each word I am attacked by memories, after which I often write things that do not match each other because I just don't think about them. I have to write a fragment, check it several times after some time, I don't want to function like that here, but I don't want to say goodbye to this place for a long time. It annoys me how all the paths around me are suddenly blocked by stones, cutting off any escape routes, cutting off my ideas.
I don't think I will speak up here again until everything has calmed down, but I'm not sure if that moment will ever come, I feel depressed and I don't want anyone to see it. I will not abandon FA, but I know now that this time it will not be the same as before. I would gladly accept even the shortest moments of conversation with each of you, but for this I need my certainty of the words, something that I do not know if I have at the moment
after all, after these words that I wanted to reach each of you, I can only assure you of my efforts, and send a huge apology..
So much has happened in such a short time in your life that you need to recover from it.
Everything that currently makes you feel insecure about yourself will pass. Believe me, I know that.
You will get through this, you are that strong, you are even stronger.
I, we will wait here for you. You don't have to prove anything to us anymore. Just be yourself.
Also, just be yourself when you continue your education. You will find that you will be welcomed back with open arms. I welcomed you here with open arms. And everyone else will do the same.
I believe in you. I always have. Take care of yourself, sweetheart. I look forward to the day when we can look back on this time here with a laughing and a crying eye. š„°
but, its also saddening to hear that you are struggling so much after your time in the hospital.. It breaks my heart that I cannot be there in real life to support you, but just know that me, as well as all your other friends on FA, are cheering you on! We will wait as long as it takes. Sadly, overcoming something like this doesn't happen overnight. It will take some time, but I know you will overcome any obstacle that stands in your way!
I am excited to see how your apprenticeship goes at the hair salon! Just focus on yourself and your education and I am sure you will feel better getting out of the house!
We all love and care for you, so take your time, we will be here when you are ready. <3