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State of the Sh!tshow Address #2
3 years ago
It's been a fair few months since my mother died and I'm sad to say that things are not going well.
My family always ran like a fucked-up, co-dependent but basically functional jalopy. I was the front wheels. My primary jobs were chores, errands, and working as a commission artist. My BIL, Daniel, was the back wheels. He's developmentally delayed but he's a good boy, capable, and he worked hard. He was responsible for some chores and errands and taking care of his wife (my younger sister) and their child, both of whom are also developmentally delayed. My stepfather, the breadwinner of the family, was the engine. I cannot overstate how pivotal this man has been in keeping the shitshow afloat. I don't know anyone who deserves a long, happy retirement more than him. And then there was my mother, the driver. She steered the shitshow down the long and winding roads.
Some months ago, my mother died. Lung cancer. I have been through some next level shit- various kinds of abuse, a murder attempt, psychological and physical trauma that would stand your hair on end; none of it comes even remotely close to watching my mother fade away as cancer and pain meds slowly eroded everything that made her who she was. I try not to think of her because it feels like a lifetime's worth of memories have been buffaloed out of my mind by the last two uniquely horrible weeks of her life.
When she died, there was no one to steer so I had no choice but to jump into the driver's seat. It was difficult being both the front wheels and the driver, but I got the hang of it eventually. We were just nicely finding a new equilibrium when BAM. The back wheels went out. We were not expecting Daniel to be diagnosed with cancer only a few months after my mother died but the universe just has a way of kicking you when you're down sometimes.
So now I'm the front wheels, back wheels, and driver. Likely, the next thing to go will be the engine. He's an old man who will either retire or die sometime within the next few years. That will leave me as the sole caregiver of four disabled individuals, two of whom have cancer, one of whom is a rocket-powered 4yo, and one of whom is a sociopath with an IQ two standard deviations below the mean whose entire existence revolves around doing as little as possible and making messes for me to clean up. Oh, and TEN CATS that no one wants to rehome.
I am exhausted in ways that cannot easily be conveyed in words. But I'm still here. I'm still doing art. I still have plans. I can't say how well those plans will go being that life seems to enjoy fucking them up as much as possible. But so long as I have functioning eyes and hands, I'll never stop making art. There's that.
How bout you? How you doin?
My family always ran like a fucked-up, co-dependent but basically functional jalopy. I was the front wheels. My primary jobs were chores, errands, and working as a commission artist. My BIL, Daniel, was the back wheels. He's developmentally delayed but he's a good boy, capable, and he worked hard. He was responsible for some chores and errands and taking care of his wife (my younger sister) and their child, both of whom are also developmentally delayed. My stepfather, the breadwinner of the family, was the engine. I cannot overstate how pivotal this man has been in keeping the shitshow afloat. I don't know anyone who deserves a long, happy retirement more than him. And then there was my mother, the driver. She steered the shitshow down the long and winding roads.
Some months ago, my mother died. Lung cancer. I have been through some next level shit- various kinds of abuse, a murder attempt, psychological and physical trauma that would stand your hair on end; none of it comes even remotely close to watching my mother fade away as cancer and pain meds slowly eroded everything that made her who she was. I try not to think of her because it feels like a lifetime's worth of memories have been buffaloed out of my mind by the last two uniquely horrible weeks of her life.
When she died, there was no one to steer so I had no choice but to jump into the driver's seat. It was difficult being both the front wheels and the driver, but I got the hang of it eventually. We were just nicely finding a new equilibrium when BAM. The back wheels went out. We were not expecting Daniel to be diagnosed with cancer only a few months after my mother died but the universe just has a way of kicking you when you're down sometimes.
So now I'm the front wheels, back wheels, and driver. Likely, the next thing to go will be the engine. He's an old man who will either retire or die sometime within the next few years. That will leave me as the sole caregiver of four disabled individuals, two of whom have cancer, one of whom is a rocket-powered 4yo, and one of whom is a sociopath with an IQ two standard deviations below the mean whose entire existence revolves around doing as little as possible and making messes for me to clean up. Oh, and TEN CATS that no one wants to rehome.
I am exhausted in ways that cannot easily be conveyed in words. But I'm still here. I'm still doing art. I still have plans. I can't say how well those plans will go being that life seems to enjoy fucking them up as much as possible. But so long as I have functioning eyes and hands, I'll never stop making art. There's that.
How bout you? How you doin?
I truly dont even know what to say. I wanna commend your ability to basically muscle through all of that and still find time to art etc but I really dont wanna sound like im being patronizing in any way D:
I just...wow. I seriously wish you all the good vibes :x
Its hard to think of what is the best thing to say in response to this situation of yours, but I think its noteworthy of you to carry on despite all of that, I bet your mom would be proud of you to weather such a storm.
I hope that isn't inconsiderate of me to say.
I have nothing to compare to that. My sympathies.
In my case, it's been very hot in California all week, so I have been unable to work at all this week. What I have been doing has been exploring Blender sculpting and such. trying to get to the level to start making and posing figures. Blender just launched 3.0 with the new hair shader, as well as The new Geometry Nodes, so hair styles and fur now look amazing. But I still have to learn to sculpt it, because you can't put hair on a statue or D&D miniature.
The deets
Seriously, though, I have faith in you, and so long as you have faith in yourself, nothing will stop you... I have more uplifting slogans if you need 'em! :3
It is very encouraging to hear that you are dedicated to your art. It is a huge inspiration to me. I have saved your image of Rose-Colored Privilege Goggles as a wallpaper to my reading tablet, so I see it every day.
Y' know... I just want to show support, but I'm not sure how. So! I'm going to give you a friendly reminder that if everything goes to shit and one day all you want to do is stare at the ceiling with a completely blank stare: this is fine. Things are not going well, and they may get worse, but amidst all that tiredness, remember that you can only be responsible for so much, and these events are not your fault. We're human after all. So, be kind to yourself.
I'm sure you know this but a reminder doesn't hurt.
That's it! Strength to you, and godspeed*
*not a believer but I love the expression
And you keep making this incredible eye-candy. Maybe that's what's most amazing...
Stay strong.
I hope that Daniel's cancer isn't too serious and can go into remission.
Make sure to give yourself TLC too
My grandma got diagnosed with cancer back in 2015, but it was in its VERY early stages, so surgery was all that she needed. She had back surgery in mid-late 2017 and had to stay in a physical rehab facility to recover. The rehabilitation was difficult for her and she was wheelchair-bound during the entirety of it. Unfortunately, she kept having other medical problems that became so frequent and persistent that we all knew something was wrong.
We were told the diagnosis just before Christmas. I can't remember when exactly. It all blurs together for me, I only vaguely remember Christmas that year, and then in February we finally got a prognosis and...it was bad. Her cancer had mutated more times than I can comprehend. When she heard how bad it was, her condition tanked hard. Two days after we found out how bad it was, she was gone. I can't remember what the last thing I said to my grandma was, I don't know if I even said anything to her. I was just in shock.
Unfortunately, things didn't get better. During the course of my grandma's illness, my mom was the one having to deal with most of the problems, unbeknownst to anyone else at the time, my uncle was having financial and legal troubles, and my "great" aunt (my grandma's sister) was down my mom's throat telling her about how she needed to prioritize grandma over everything else, which pissed my mom off because she had plenty of time to ride her ass, but when it came to actually helping? Nah. I wrote my "great" aunt off completely as a cancer in her own right because she did EVERYTHING she could to make the funeral about herself.
Things continued to get worse. My uncle got arrested, and we knew he was likely going to prison. My younger brother was...well I really don't even know how to get into that. He has a history of getting involved in toxic relationships, and despite being in his mid 20's at the time his life was full of high school drama bullshit. He'd had a divorce that resulted in him getting raked over the coals, and he was dating another woman at that point who raised pretty all the same red flags as his ex-wife and more. He had suckered our other brother into cosigning on a car for him right after his divorce and it was becoming clear that he had absolutely no intention of making good on the payments. Our other brother is still having financial struggles because of him.
Making things worse on that topic, the asshole brother (for simplicity's sake, I'll just refer to him as Pete) started stealing money from our parents. Why? Because he kept blowing all his money on his girlfriend and she was more important to him than anyone else, even though he was told several times by his own request that there were red flags in that relationship. As of right now, our parents have chosen to completely ignore Pete's fuckery because he and his now-wife (yes, the same person) gave them a grandchild. I refuse to hold it, bond with it, call it by name, anything because there are still so many serious red flags that it's dangerous for me to get attached to the kid, and I've told my parents exactly that and that, to me, Pete died the same year my grandma died and the person we've been dealing with is a ghost.
I went into all that to tell you this: I'm not going to lie to you and tell you it's going to get better. Your dedication to your family is admirable, but please do take care of yourself. If you're not well, then you can't help anybody no matter how much you want to. None of this is going to get easier, I still have trouble going into medical facilities. I had a panic attack when I delivered a pizza to a physical rehab facility because the way the place looked and smelled just kept the intrusive thought of "This is the miserable place that my grandma spent her last days in" running through my head. I don't know what else I can tell you except that if you need somebody to talk to, hit me up via note/PM and let's talk.
"was down my mom's throat telling her about how she needed to prioritize grandma over everything else, which pissed my mom off because she had plenty of time to ride her ass, but when it came to actually helping? Nah."
That bit? Oh boy does that ring true. Quite a few people who are happy to criticize me but when it comes to actually helping..... yeah
And hey, I appreciate the realist take. You're right. It could get better but it might not and frankly, I don't expect it to.
I'm so sorry to hear that. What's interesting is that, not long after all that, my "great" aunt got effectively disowned and shunned by her kids for...various reasons. My mom was shocked by that, in part because of the way the GA spinned the whole story. My response was "Well, I can't tell you exactly what happened because neither of them have volunteered any information, and I'm not pushing the issue. But I want you to think about how she's been behaving with regards to grandma and I want you to imagine dealing with that for decades, with no reprieve. How could someone who makes everything about them possibly end up ostracizing and estranging their own kids?"
And hey, I appreciate the realist take. You're right. It could get better but it might not and frankly, I don't expect it to.
I really do hope it gets better on your end. I've come to realize that family does not have a special privilege to treat me like shit just because we happen to share some DNA. Now I just tell them to go to Hell and drop 'em lol
I can only give you some advice to try and help you, but the most important thing will have to be that you understand things have to change. The car only worked exactly because everyone had their tasks and parts of it as individuals - maybe you can take over temporarily as the driver or the back wheels, but not permanently. Things have to change and maybe the car just has to be parked by the side of the road for y'all to walk or take a metaphorical cab or bus or what not. You may have to be selfish and independent, and so will your other family members have to be more independent instead of co-dependent (I know that's extremely hard... but you have to). If you don't, that exhaustion you are feeling will actually kill you. Not to be dramatic.
Anyway, I'm doing better than you are at the moment -- primarily because I'm alone (that's not necessarily a blessing) and not involved in my family's business any more (moving to another country is a major factor there). Although I know I'll lose my own mother in not too long, as well, probably. She's getting up there in age.
I do hope things get better for you and that you find a path forward.
I'm currently having a few laptop issues at the moment, and none of them have helped me be productive in any way.
Oh, and the people that I live next to are dicks.
Small potatoes in comparison to the unyielding hell that you been through.
Cancer is a bitch, plain and simple. I lost my cherished fur baby to it. It doesn't do people any favors either.
If you have a therapist, I would be sharing some of that mental / emotional overload.
The approval from my two indoor kitties is still pending, but she has been making some progress in nearly two weeks!
*comfort-hugs* <3
Always here if you need me. Whatever you need.
Life hasn't been that cruel to me, so I can't share my experience.
I can say, I'm surprised at your hardships. And proud, that despite them you're still moving forward.
So many have given up and yet, here you are. Shouldering more burden and trudging forward.
Cancer has always been ugly, I hope your brother can get Chemo and kick this things tail in.
Offering well wishes, has always been "hollow" to me but, I don't know of what else I can do.
I can offer advise if I happen to have any on something you need help with. If not, I'll search my
friends and family for counsel to see if they'd be able to part with valuable knowledge.
You're still standing, despite the shaking legs, and sore back. That's a feat on it's own.
but you're strong, stronger than anyone thinks. all you have to do now is make sure people don't abuse that strength, but I know that's easier said than done.
my own shitshow is much tamer.
my brother and me bought the house we've been living in since mid-60's, we both grew up here and everything. the the house owners, who lived with us here, got sick and eventually died one after another. their families turned out to be 75% dysfunctional morons. so the house became a little more expensive than it was worth, thanks to that greedy bunch. but what can you do when you don't wanna lose your home.
last year, my brother died. was delivered to hospital with a heart attack, and suddenly an aneurisma popped open. he was gone within minutes.
since then I'm trying to clean up the mess he left behind, especially the huge loan he set up to be able to pay the price. 2/5 of it was cash mom had saved up from her sisters' deaths, though, so it could be worse... still I'm facing a monthly fee of 1400€; a little below my monthly income. without my mom's retirement payment and what's left of the inheritage we would be screwed. also, his friends from gun club and military reserve helped us immensely with selling his gun collection and stuff and moderating selling the remains to a dealer, and his almost-new car fetched a good price, too.
it still felt like theft or treason selling all his stuff. but what could we do.
I'm 50, mom is 87. the loan will run it's course I think, 27 years still. once I retire I won't be able to pay anything, since germany pays just 51% retirement, unlike the rest of europe... the rest is taxes. so if there is no wonder happening, like a lottery win, I'll eventually lose my home.
should that wonder happen, though, I'll be thinking of you.
Stay alive. Keep your head down and put one foot in front of the other.
Other than that; remember that you are worth loving. Take care of yourself, too. Do what you have to. Stay alive. And remember that we are all cheering you on.
Most families I think have someone that holds the family together whether they know it or not, usually it's mom and usually it's not really seen until that control goes away. But while I don't feel it's my place to say anything about what you should do, I would say that what you need to do above all is take care of yourself. It's important you are functional and reasonably happy, and while I hope that everyone is at least flexible and willing to compromise, if it boils down to it it may eventually be necessary to lay down the law, such as keeping the cats you can't bear to part with and while they don't 'want' to rehome them, it's unreasonable to expect you to take care of 4 people and ten cats.
I recall a fur that I used to know (online only) who was dealing with similar, their mother was the family glue, and her brother (in his 60s) did as little as possible and only wanted to play video games, doing the bare minimum when his mother lay dying and needing care. But from what I know he was the type to never step up, never do his part, and never make a sacrifice, expecting others to do the work or having grand ideas but not being willing to put in the time to make them reality. And it just always blew me away how people could be like that, especially when it's time to circle the wagons.
I dunno.
As far as me, I came back from a really good vacation, I have a good job now, and I'm trying to find a balance that will help me figure out what I'm doing. But I'm not there yet.
But holy shit. When you speak your mind reminds me why I started watching you. Your art is gorgeous, but the window into your consciousness has long been a source of emotions, amusement, and introspection.
I find it hard not to get consumed by the tedium and grind day after day and week after week. Your car analogy really resonated startlingly close to home. As life splashed and dashed in from the sides I've found myself becoming front wheels, driver, and the last four years have been the engine on top of it all.
I empathize with your loss. In my case it was my grandfather. Watching someone dying in slow motion over four years can shape you in ways you're not expecting or have any way to prepare for. Add in that I was fresh out of high school and not yet drinking age, finding myself providing palliative care and all the mental scarring of that. When he died there wasn't time to really process it, I was laid in my lap the chance to make shit work, right now, or lose it. Sink or swim, go, figure out as you go. And I've just had to churn along since then because nobody else is going to make it work if I don't. Periods of functional substance abuse for copium only numbs it enough to keep going through what I can't change and certainly won't solve anything short or long term.
I preface that none is meant as a comparison or a flex. Just to keep myself into perspective.
But. Holy shit. I have to take a step back and look around at myself. My roads have not been as precipitous or winding along the way. My passengers have jumped on and off over the years clawing for stability that they couldn't provide for themselves while offering lacking degrees of self-determination and independence I require of people. But my survival has to come first and some people have fallen off over the years trying to drag me down with them.
But.
Following many years of bad ones they're finally settled around mostly cooperative ones these days.
And 11, 12 hours a day driving ungrateful and disrespectful passengers carted around in heavy machinery down public roads. 6 days a week, forever, keep right on driving and reacting perfectly to every brainless metal missile screaming down the roads. Not ideal I guess, but the bills are paid and I get insurance from the company so one major and nontrivial weight off my daily concerns. I can put in for PTO when I get too fed up. Or just call off if I'm not feeling it, for whatever reason and nope out for a day.
Those options aren't there for you. One day after another doing what you do, to not just keep yourself barely above drowning but with you those who can't even appreciate the extent of what you're doing. I literally cannot imagine. Only remind me to recognize and hold dear the peace and stability I have clawed my way to cling to today.
For whatever it's worth, whether you read or not, I feel for you. I hope for you the best even if it doesn't seem like life will ever deal even one card of that set. Or at least some glimmer of good wherever you might find it while you somehow find strength to get from day to day. All while you somehow find space for creativity in all that utterly exhausting chaos.
I've edited and reworded this mess enough times now. I could go on and I'm sorry if it seems trite. Empty platitudes are barely worth the bits they take up on the screen.
Thank you. ♥
2 months late for replying but still, reminders that you're still carrying on are good!
I cannot fathom the amount of work you put into your art and obviously your life. It genuinely astounds me that you have still been making things of beauty while every other nanoangstrom of the world demands something more of you. It shows bravery, compassion, strength, love, kindness, and joy to hold the family together through it all
I don't know anything I can suggest to make things easier, but I hope that you are able to weather it. I love your art and I hope that you love the mediums and responses you are able to portray it in