So the nice stuff first then you can ignore the rest. Sunday I tried to stream, you may have missed it mainly because I couldnt get OBS to work, I tried uninstalling and reinstalling and that didnt fix anything. Theres a bunch of window updates I havent done so part of me thinks its probably to do with that, but after faffing for so long with OBS I lost the will to fight any further so did a bunch of sketches off stream from the raffle. I'll post them to the various people via drop box links and sort out a proper stream in the not too distant future once ive done the window updates and junk.

Book 2's final edits have been sent to the publisher now, so I'll let folk know more when I know it but its def almost ready.

I also have 2 kittens called Bell and Bubble now. They're about 15 weeks old and causing a huge amount of distraction and entertainment. One of them hates my tablet pen so trying to draw when she's around is um...proving a challenge.

Okay so now onto the not so great stuff.

(this next bit is heavy-cw suicide)

I've been in a bit of a messed up funk this week. Last week a friend made a suicide attempt. I was on my way into therapy class at the time so spent the whole journey in, trying to chat to them to provide distraction and whatnot. Therapy class started and i didnt go in as i was waiting for confirmation that their partner was with them before i felt it would be okay to go. So I was late to class by quite a bit and truthfully in a bit of a mess myself. My friend was eventually talked down and things are calmer, which im grateful for but for that afternoon..Gosh...The tangle of emotions I got myself in.

Ultimately one of my end goals to qualifying as a therapist would be to help suicidal people, but dealing with my friend last week really made me realise I have a LONG way to go. When my best friend took his life 8 years ago i helped avert several attempts before he succeeded and just the whole thing last week massively triggered all this pain from his death and that overwhelming grief. i really hate how i dont have a handle on it and i dont have the tools to deal with it still, and how i don't think I can help my friend, and how a large part of me just wants to completely run from the situation cause I just cant deal with getting hurt like that again. How many attempts will it take before this friend also succeeds? I know thats not what I should be thinking but thats where my brain keeps going, over and over and over.

So that whole thing has just been going around in my head a lot the last 6 days, tying me up in knots. Making me feel sick. It's not my friends fault she's mentally unwell though It's really impacted my own mental health too and I just don't know how to reconcile that at the moment. So just having to be with all those uncomfortable feelings, being stuck. Not really knowing what's best to do, and thats probably all i can do at the moment.

Needless to say my energy levels have been poor at best and down right abysmal at their worst this week. Im becoming increasingly convinced that im still suffering from covid symptoms as im just at a level of exhaustion ive never really experienced before and it seems almost constant. the amount of naps i have in a day now is just...alarming, truthfully. I really should see a doctor about it but im not even sure theres anything you can really do for just being tired to the point where just walking up the stairs is a major marathon. On the plus side ive also been losing weight so there is a bonus to all of this LOL

I'm gonna cheat and turn off journal comments on this one. Twice in teh same month huh. I know lots of folk are really lovely but i dont want anyone speculating on my friends suicide attempt. as usual tho notes are open if anyone wants to get in touch. I promise the next journal will be less heavy. sorry