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The self inflict is strong in this one.
2 weeks ago
General
So. I've been trying to end with my therapist for a while now, but we officially have a date of the 15th of Dec being our last session and basically working on endings is quite a tricky thing for me which is why I wanted to dedicate a fe weeks to that process (i often tend to cut and run prematurely before an ending can happen so forcing myself to stay to the end is..um mostly new and really uncomfortable actually)
But this weeks session dredged up something I was mostly unprepared for which revolved around my prescence here accidentally.
This week I've been waiting for an email to officially tell me if I have finally passed my diploma. It's been such a palava, a saga...a longer than I expected drawn out process that I've found myself almost compulsively refreshing my emails waiting for the email to come in. We talked about the 3 year long qualification and I started talking about how lucky I had been with the tutors and marks they had given me and when challenged on the 'being lucky' thing I did have to swallow that and admit that there had been hard work involved too and that trigged a massive exploration on my inability to accept that I deserve to be recognised when I do a good job or work hard etc.
This absolutely stems from my childhood where I'd be made to feel guilty or shamed for any feelings of being proud, or often if I had done something well it was largely dismissed as not well enough, or again guilt tripped or shamed that because I had done something well that had somehow had a detrimental effect on my younger siblings.
I've mentioned a few times over the years that I wasnt really allowed to touch anything art related when I was a child. The first time I really started drawing was when I had left home. This was mainly because my sister did art and my parents didnt want me competing with her, yet I never wanted to compete with anyone.
I just wanted to draw.
So over the years through my childhood I grew an almost fear of being good at anything or worry that if I was better at something than someone else it would somehow make me a bad person.
I think thats why being here, I use to do so much promoting of other people, of pointing folk in the direction of other commissions and largely downplayed most of my contributions. This came to a head a few years ago.
I was just browsing FA one day and noticed someone had drawn a picture of Star. Some fanart, completely unprompted and I went to take a look and to leave a comment and generally gush about how generous and sweet the person was for doing that, I noticed a few folk had already left comments and read those as I scrolled. and someone (I genuinely dont remember the username it doesnt really matter) had written
"I am so sick of seeing this character everywhere."
Instant shame/guilt spiral engulfed me in a way that still makes me breathless thinking about it. The concern of hogging the spotlight or of my hard work and successes being detrimental to those around me, just really swallowed me. I vowed to try to be quieter here, to be less obvious, to tone myself down and so I post my comics and very rarely anything else. Scared to flood the site with anything else. I stopped writing journals so frequently stopped doing raffles or big group pics but with that also came the stopping of promoting newer artists and sharing crowdfunding things and I just sorta retreated as much as I could without it making anyone suspicious.
That one comment.
I'm angry at myself because it was only at mondays therapy session that I suddenly collated the two experiences. my parents scorn as a small child being shamed for overshadowing my siblings in some way and the balance of being a bigger name on here. I want everyone to have an equal share of the pie. I always have done. Ive always wanted people not to look at me with fear or like some kind of rival because im not a rival. Im not playing that game.
I just want to draw.
So look...I want to be more active here. I realised its been that fear of shame/guilt that's really made me retreat quite a lot from the site and the community and I want to also accept that I work bloody hard, it's not just a luck thing. Theres skills involved and truthfully mostly perseverance. But I just wanted to apologise for well..letting it get this far before I noticed. But I'm here now.
But this weeks session dredged up something I was mostly unprepared for which revolved around my prescence here accidentally.
This week I've been waiting for an email to officially tell me if I have finally passed my diploma. It's been such a palava, a saga...a longer than I expected drawn out process that I've found myself almost compulsively refreshing my emails waiting for the email to come in. We talked about the 3 year long qualification and I started talking about how lucky I had been with the tutors and marks they had given me and when challenged on the 'being lucky' thing I did have to swallow that and admit that there had been hard work involved too and that trigged a massive exploration on my inability to accept that I deserve to be recognised when I do a good job or work hard etc.
This absolutely stems from my childhood where I'd be made to feel guilty or shamed for any feelings of being proud, or often if I had done something well it was largely dismissed as not well enough, or again guilt tripped or shamed that because I had done something well that had somehow had a detrimental effect on my younger siblings.
I've mentioned a few times over the years that I wasnt really allowed to touch anything art related when I was a child. The first time I really started drawing was when I had left home. This was mainly because my sister did art and my parents didnt want me competing with her, yet I never wanted to compete with anyone.
I just wanted to draw.
So over the years through my childhood I grew an almost fear of being good at anything or worry that if I was better at something than someone else it would somehow make me a bad person.
I think thats why being here, I use to do so much promoting of other people, of pointing folk in the direction of other commissions and largely downplayed most of my contributions. This came to a head a few years ago.
I was just browsing FA one day and noticed someone had drawn a picture of Star. Some fanart, completely unprompted and I went to take a look and to leave a comment and generally gush about how generous and sweet the person was for doing that, I noticed a few folk had already left comments and read those as I scrolled. and someone (I genuinely dont remember the username it doesnt really matter) had written
"I am so sick of seeing this character everywhere."
Instant shame/guilt spiral engulfed me in a way that still makes me breathless thinking about it. The concern of hogging the spotlight or of my hard work and successes being detrimental to those around me, just really swallowed me. I vowed to try to be quieter here, to be less obvious, to tone myself down and so I post my comics and very rarely anything else. Scared to flood the site with anything else. I stopped writing journals so frequently stopped doing raffles or big group pics but with that also came the stopping of promoting newer artists and sharing crowdfunding things and I just sorta retreated as much as I could without it making anyone suspicious.
That one comment.
I'm angry at myself because it was only at mondays therapy session that I suddenly collated the two experiences. my parents scorn as a small child being shamed for overshadowing my siblings in some way and the balance of being a bigger name on here. I want everyone to have an equal share of the pie. I always have done. Ive always wanted people not to look at me with fear or like some kind of rival because im not a rival. Im not playing that game.
I just want to draw.
So look...I want to be more active here. I realised its been that fear of shame/guilt that's really made me retreat quite a lot from the site and the community and I want to also accept that I work bloody hard, it's not just a luck thing. Theres skills involved and truthfully mostly perseverance. But I just wanted to apologise for well..letting it get this far before I noticed. But I'm here now.
It really sucks how you got that ingrained in you by your parents. o.o;;
In a sense, to be alive is to be rivals with everyone, since there's only so many resources to go around, and so being that shouldn't be shameful, and it's so bad they made you feel that way! But also, there's no reason rivals can't also collaborate and be friends and build eachother up, too.
Good luck finding peace with existance!
People really seem to forget how easily words can affect another person especially when
they have the internet as a barrier.
Something off handed ends up echoing far longer than it has any right too for some.
Feelings against ones self can be the hardest thing to figure out and deal with
but I hope you're able to keep your head above water through it.
hug hug. kiss kiss. Be safe out there.
I won't but I want to.
Maybe a nibble?
maybe there is still some light to find. Hang in there... xoxo and such
Ill wonder about you from time to time now.
Remember to drink water.
Like... he's scrolling FA with his dick in his hand, and then your OC shows up and just... ruins his goon sesh.
Also, not sure how anyone could get sick of seeing Star.
1. Star is a cute OC
2. Star is inoffensive in anyway
3. Star is not "everywhere"
In conclusion, that person made an objectively dumb comment. So dumb that it has no basis in reality. So dumb that you really just have to point and laugh.
Like someone sat on a whoopie cushion and everyone chuckles. But then one idiot stands up and says, "I'm so sick of hearing goddamn whoopie cushions everywhere I go!!!"
That's funny, right? Or has the internet brain rot broke my brain?
Edit: Constant spelling mistakes
I'm not that person nor do I know them but I can at least say from my own experiences that often times I feel an incredibly high level of insecurity when seeing someone's character posted a lot, especially when it's gift art. It's to the point where I have to compulsively ask myself the questions "well, what am I not doing that these folks are?" and "how come I have to put in so much work to get people to notice me when other folks get attention and art for nothing?" - and that absolutely comes from needing to feel like, noticed in order to feel safe for a lot of complicated reasons.
System dynamics make this a lot trickier because I as an alter am a specific holder of these feelings and was so deeply buried that I didn't know I existed as a separate person until the other week. But suffice to say like, as reassurance, you're not asking for gift art nor are you unfairly getting any. We look forward to seeing you post more on here!
There are 2 sides of this.
A) yes, I can understand frustration and devastation and being hurt about such comments
B) People everywhere get annoyed easily these days if something allegedly or appearently becomes "fame" or is "all around" and is not to "their taste"/"misinterpret it" OR if people get... kind of bullied for other people seeing this 'fame' stuff and connect just that with 'furry' and yea a bully others for it..
Listen I'm not protecting haters here, but I have to admit something myself now:
Whenever I switch on TikTok these days the whole timeline and FYP is just VR Chat "furries" doing stupid stuff, often sexual related or hinting at sexual stuff by using double-meaning words.
I personally don't really like this depiction on a kid/teen platform - I got addressed recently too what "stupid stuff this is" and others report that people think furries are all stupid loners, lost in VR chat and try to groom kids into joining their "world".
YEt I don't show my opinion with hate comments or whatever, I try to be constructive - I face this thing openly and address it without trying to be a bully myself. The problem lies here in the fact, that those VR-Chat supporters usually then come around with their "killer phrase": "Oh you are just jealous." - No, def. not!
BUT when it gets to comments like that on the Star-Image here,... the only thing you can try to do is to confront them directly. Message them and ask them what their problem is and why they say it. They usually don't expect this. - And here my experience is either for real: 90% jealousy or plain unability to see the whole picture, because these comments usually come from faceless/profile-less people OR as mentioned, they have been addressed badly themselves and THEY can't conquer their own bullies.
Heck I made some fun of my bullies in the past, people making bad comments on my suits and I played a character phrasing out those messages and my fursonas react to it.
Once you know yourself, face and acknowledge your strengths and weaknesses, the liberating feeling of accepting your accomplishments and having pride in that, gives you immunity against anyone trying to tear you down. Mostly it's projection on THEIR part, because they haven't achieved '?' in their own lives, and like most weak-minded, bullying types, they find delight in causing others grief.
Never grant them that kind of control or power of you. Someone doesn't like you? That's THEIR problem, not yours (Mind, if they're calling out something you've done, and they're correct? That's something everyone has to handle. None of us are perfect, and a good friend will tell us about a flaw we might not know we have, OR have been ignoring/denying because we just don't want to deal with it.)
You do YOU, Star. That's why you have so many people following you, supporting you, buying or commissioning you, your art and stories/comics. THAT is all the validation you need for your inner passion to draw/write, and you're going after it regardless of the naysayers out there.
Well done!
The world is always richer for having more art in it. And the world is dark enough without anyone dampening whatever light we bring into it. Shine as bright as you can, for as long as you can.
Also, this is the internet. Were you not expecting to see negative comments? I believe your art is great though.
"I am so sick of seeing this character everywhere."
I am sure our site owner Sciggles gets that comment too.
I am sure famous YouTubers like Markiplier and Jacksepticeye get them as well.
One day I am sure Angello will get this comment as well.
I wish I could pop a pacifeir in your mouth, give you a crinkly hug and say it will be alright while hugging into you.
You do not have to worry, nobody is asking you to compeat and if they do it is baby jail for them.
Just continue drawing you cute bab.
You have a new family here
Remember - it's ultimately you shaming yourself for your success, which is not a nice thing to do to anyone, especially when that person is trying her absolute hardest to make the world a better place. Especially when that girl's stories come straight from her inner child's heart.
Be kind to yourself! So many of us find our lives enriched by your sincere and truthful communication. The things you create are *beautiful* and *special*. For me, your stories are an invitation to dream of a better world.
Also, great job choosing to wrap up therapy properly. That's easier said than done.
Finally, never underestimate the power of apologizing to your inner child. I literally do this in the mirror from time to time, especially when I'm having a lapse in self-esteem. Good luck!
And you're right my internal parent is very much modelled on my Mum who...well..we didnt really bond so like I know I can be really cold/distant towards myself, and that this is all me inflicting things on myself due to those patterns. I hate thats what my internal mother is like. Its part of why I chose never to have actual children for fear of that coming out into the open. Yet towards others I know I can be warm and generous (to a point)
Ive had a few conversations with my inner child, she feels very lonely and lost but shes also good at playing by herself and kinda doesnt trust me, so I still have work to do basically.
But i do know being more aware of all this stuff is helping me break the patterns or see things more clearly, it doesnt mean I always make the right choices with the evidence infront of me but I am getting better at spotting signs of falling into old patterns