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Dreamin'
3 days ago
Another ramble...
I am dreaming a LOT at the moment and dreams are one of those things that Gestalt Therapists can really get into. I've always been interested in dreams and I used to practice triggering Lucid dreaming when I was a teenager but that all came to a stop once I found a partner and was sharing a bed with someone else.
Anyway one of the big dreams this week was me trying to tell a bunch of folk who I care about very much that I needed personal space. I need to be left alone and given some air, and they were just laughing at me saying I was a silly baby and getting really up in my personal space right in my face and crowding me. So I was getting more and more flustered and upset and angry that people werent listening to me telling them what my boundaries were. So I grabbed a baseball bat with nails in it and started swinging it in a large arc to show where my personal space was telling people dont step beyond this. Making it really clear you'll get hurt. So one of the people stepped across and instantly got clocked by the swinging bat. Guilt immediately swamped me, I dropped the bat apologising profusely, this allowed all the other people to get back into my personal space. Then I woke up.
I took this dream to therapy so I could work on it in the gestalt way, where we pick the most important focus point in the dream and retell the dream from that figures point of view. So I picked the baseball bat with nails in it.
It turned out the bat was angry at me for dropping it. It was doing its job making a very clear point where my boundaries lay and being very deliberate with the threat of if you step here you will get hurt. It didnt feel guilt when I hit my friend, my friend stepped into the line of fire of their own choice after being told what would happen. It was angry however at me apologising and angry at my guilt. It wants me to have a backbone and to stay firm and deliberate with my boundaries rather than being this weak thing who drops their boundaries worried more about other people than myself.
The thing is my boundaries ARE pretty weak when it comes to my friends and art. I suck so so hard at making rules and then if someone goes, oh but could you just add this extra little thing, or yeah I know i approved the sketch but could you just sketch it again...or hey I know I said this thing but do you mind if we do that thing instead....I always yield. And then I get burnt out because im sacrificing something of me in order to make someone else happy. This is common for me. Very familiar. I'm like a sack of potatoes that can just be throw anywhere that has space for me, I don't need any special consideration. I know through therapy that this stems from the way I was raised, to think of myself last and it is very much conditioned into me.
The thing is if i change, if I start holding those boundary lines people are going to notice. I feel I will come across as unkind, and yet at the same time, sometimes, if I had just stuck to my boundaries then people wouldnt be confused where my boundaries lay. Its not peoples fault pushing their own needs into my space when Ive always allowed it before when ive always stepped aside to allow them in
As a counsellor I dont have this problem and the people I see as clients they're strangers so setting those clear boundaries at the start feels easy as its a green field site. But setting boundaries now with friends or art commisisons feels so much harder because ive let things slide for decades so trying to establish new things here feels much harder.
The dream was really useful in exploring my feelings around these boundaries and just opened up a different awareness around how I am creating my own problems by not staying firm with where my boundaries are.
I am dreaming a LOT at the moment and dreams are one of those things that Gestalt Therapists can really get into. I've always been interested in dreams and I used to practice triggering Lucid dreaming when I was a teenager but that all came to a stop once I found a partner and was sharing a bed with someone else.
Anyway one of the big dreams this week was me trying to tell a bunch of folk who I care about very much that I needed personal space. I need to be left alone and given some air, and they were just laughing at me saying I was a silly baby and getting really up in my personal space right in my face and crowding me. So I was getting more and more flustered and upset and angry that people werent listening to me telling them what my boundaries were. So I grabbed a baseball bat with nails in it and started swinging it in a large arc to show where my personal space was telling people dont step beyond this. Making it really clear you'll get hurt. So one of the people stepped across and instantly got clocked by the swinging bat. Guilt immediately swamped me, I dropped the bat apologising profusely, this allowed all the other people to get back into my personal space. Then I woke up.
I took this dream to therapy so I could work on it in the gestalt way, where we pick the most important focus point in the dream and retell the dream from that figures point of view. So I picked the baseball bat with nails in it.
It turned out the bat was angry at me for dropping it. It was doing its job making a very clear point where my boundaries lay and being very deliberate with the threat of if you step here you will get hurt. It didnt feel guilt when I hit my friend, my friend stepped into the line of fire of their own choice after being told what would happen. It was angry however at me apologising and angry at my guilt. It wants me to have a backbone and to stay firm and deliberate with my boundaries rather than being this weak thing who drops their boundaries worried more about other people than myself.
The thing is my boundaries ARE pretty weak when it comes to my friends and art. I suck so so hard at making rules and then if someone goes, oh but could you just add this extra little thing, or yeah I know i approved the sketch but could you just sketch it again...or hey I know I said this thing but do you mind if we do that thing instead....I always yield. And then I get burnt out because im sacrificing something of me in order to make someone else happy. This is common for me. Very familiar. I'm like a sack of potatoes that can just be throw anywhere that has space for me, I don't need any special consideration. I know through therapy that this stems from the way I was raised, to think of myself last and it is very much conditioned into me.
The thing is if i change, if I start holding those boundary lines people are going to notice. I feel I will come across as unkind, and yet at the same time, sometimes, if I had just stuck to my boundaries then people wouldnt be confused where my boundaries lay. Its not peoples fault pushing their own needs into my space when Ive always allowed it before when ive always stepped aside to allow them in
As a counsellor I dont have this problem and the people I see as clients they're strangers so setting those clear boundaries at the start feels easy as its a green field site. But setting boundaries now with friends or art commisisons feels so much harder because ive let things slide for decades so trying to establish new things here feels much harder.
The dream was really useful in exploring my feelings around these boundaries and just opened up a different awareness around how I am creating my own problems by not staying firm with where my boundaries are.
But I hear you on "poor boundaries setting". I'm working on that as well, and slowly getting better...
However, those stupid abandonment issues quickly come rearing its ugly head, and makes me question myself... Or my boundaries. Every single time.
(And yes, while not everyone has left when I set some boundaries, a lot have - and that hurt, still, to this day. While I know, cognitively, that I'm better off this way... emotionally, NOT SO MUCH).
Hopefully, your business side can take over when it comes to art, and you can set specific rules that you'll be able to respect - both for yourself AND for your clients. And anyone who doesn't understand that doesn't respect you both as a person AND as an artist.
So maybe people will notice... and that's for the better?
Anyway, sorry for rambling. x_x
Take care of yourself! <3
I've made great strides in laying down boundaries in existing friendships, and it did involve some moments of confusion and hurt. It was really hard at first to even learn what my boundaries were, let alone how to enforce them. I felt like a human version of a website updating their ToS, and all my current users getting upset at the new terms, ha ha. I did lose some friendships as my boundaries changed and some weren't able to respect them, and it did hurt a lot to see that happen. Sometimes my boundaries even ended up TOO strict, and I ended up regretting a new boundary and taking it back. There was more trial and error than I expected to learn what was or wasn't comfortable for me; I had a lot of de-programming to do on myself.
Over the years though, a lot of those friends did stay with me through changes I've made for myself. And the realest ones have even said out loud to me that they're proud of my progress. They celebrate when I speak up about something not being right for me; imagine that! I still miss the friendships I lost over my journey, but I understand that it was a change that needed to happen. I only want to surround myself with people that can respect me where I'm at (or talk to me when I make a mistake, go too far, etc). The quality of my friendships as I've settled in to better boundaries is immeasurably improved, I feel so much support and true comfort from them these days, and I'm glad I did the hard work to get here.
As for clients for art commissions... that's a whole other challenge, and one I'm still struggling with honestly. I can never predict when declining a client will result in a tantrum or them banning me, or if they'll just be chill about it. It still pretty scary because of that unpredictability! But I'm trying my best to work on it, and stick to knowing myself and my skill set, and drawing what I WANT to be drawing, not what others wish I would.
Coming from the commissioner's side or point of view into this, I've learned over the years that everyone has boundaries that should be respected. Everyone has something going on in their life other than just the work they do, or just the stresses of life in general. Everyone is different on how they work and what they can or will do for a com.
Usually its best to just find a way to state what those boundaries are or the points where you will stand firm on. I've always found a soft approach can work about setting boundaries, to get it out there. But this is from my own personal experience and may not work in all situations.
I've used this in my day to day life to just get it out there. Because sometimes it was hard to say 'No' to a close friend or family member (my SO included). I was afraid of upsetting people. My timid nature still makes it hard for me to do so.
If the boundaries are not set though, it can be harder to build them up later on. I agree with what Firebreath stated about it and hope you can find a way to set them that works for you.
No matter the distance, i still think you an amazing squiggle. And an amazing person. I miss you and would hug you if we met again and if you let me.
*big feels* ~Moony
PS: Look at all those wallmof texts D:
Now, when can we get some more of those awesome comics you make? (Just kidding, I can wait).