FA+
Shop
My mental health is not good at all.
2 years ago
I'm not alright.
Ever sense I got back from Anthrocon, I've been horrifically depressed.
For those who do not know, I struggle with severe anxiety and depression. I'm medicated for it, but there's only so much that can do.
I just... I feel so useless and hopeless lately. I am stuck in this horrible spiral that I fear I can't get out of. I am poor as hell, with less than $5 to my name. I WANT to get a job, I WANT to work, but despite everything I do, I just cannot find anywhere willing to work with me. I have to be picky with work, not just because of my mental health/trauma issues, but also because I have severe tendonitis and carpel tunnel in my hands, not to mention spine and neck issues. My body is pretty friggin useless and it's constantly injuring itself, or trying to kill me for no fucking reason.
I can't draw, each time I try to put pencil to paper, I feel physically sick, unable to do a thing. When I try to take a break to recharge, I feel even worse, because I feel like I'm being unproductive or wasting time. I know I'm allowed to take breaks, I know it's okay to rest, but my brain doesn't get that message. I don't FEEL like it's okay, because when I'm not doing the art I owe, I feel horrific. I feel like I'm scamming you or doing something wrong. I'm also just... so burned out on everything. I don't enjoy vore, I don't enjoy any of my kinks, or even any of my interests, I'm just... I'm just tired. I felt artistically inspired for like 5 seconds after getting home from the con, but once the reality of living in this hell-world hit me again, it vanished. I feel arguably worse now, like I'll never get to the point other artists get to, because... I mean I literally cant even draw right now, I can't even FEEL right now, I feel empty and vague and helpless. I don't know what I want, I just know I can't get it. I can't even do the things I said I would in the last journal, because I just... I feel so sick of my furry stuff right now that I almost want to just never get on my PC ever again. That feeling makes me feel even worse because I don't WANT to feel that way and just... It's horrible, it's like my brain is a foreign entity in my body that wants me to die constantly, and refuses to let me know a second of fucking peace. I'm just miserable. I've been miserable for years now, and I just have no idea how anyone puts up with me. I have no idea how you all still support me, or why you'd want to see me, or why you'd want to engage with the little i manage to do.
I'm just not ok. I'm really really not ok. I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow, hopefully something can be done, but honestly? I just feel incredibly fucking hopeless... I don't feel like I'll ever get a job I'll be able to do. I'll never get a job that will be willing to pay me a living wage. I'll never get to afford food, an apartment, let alone furry luxuries. I feel like this hellhole reality I'm trapped in is determined to kill me, to keep me fucking miserable. If I could just find work, and not have money stress every god damn second of every day, I'd be able to breathe and maybe recover. But that's not allowed. I just... I get up an inch, and the world, my life, just beats me a mile back down. I've burst through the bottom of the barrel like 10 times, each time thinking it can't get worse, only for life to prove me wrong.
I'm so sorry to rant publicly about this, but it's effecting my art productivity, so you need to know. I'm sorry about everything I just... I'm tired. I'm so tired. I'm not going to do anything or hurt myself, so please don't worry about that. I just... I have nowhere else to turn, nothing else to do, I dunno I just need to scream into the void sometimes...
Also: About my gallery deletion/reupload n such, I will probably just be going through each post I have, and curating/editing them instead of deleting everything just to reupload it. I will still be deleting things, so make sure you save your favorites. Though with my current mental health, these changes might take a friggin year who knows...
Sorry...
Ever sense I got back from Anthrocon, I've been horrifically depressed.
For those who do not know, I struggle with severe anxiety and depression. I'm medicated for it, but there's only so much that can do.
I just... I feel so useless and hopeless lately. I am stuck in this horrible spiral that I fear I can't get out of. I am poor as hell, with less than $5 to my name. I WANT to get a job, I WANT to work, but despite everything I do, I just cannot find anywhere willing to work with me. I have to be picky with work, not just because of my mental health/trauma issues, but also because I have severe tendonitis and carpel tunnel in my hands, not to mention spine and neck issues. My body is pretty friggin useless and it's constantly injuring itself, or trying to kill me for no fucking reason.
I can't draw, each time I try to put pencil to paper, I feel physically sick, unable to do a thing. When I try to take a break to recharge, I feel even worse, because I feel like I'm being unproductive or wasting time. I know I'm allowed to take breaks, I know it's okay to rest, but my brain doesn't get that message. I don't FEEL like it's okay, because when I'm not doing the art I owe, I feel horrific. I feel like I'm scamming you or doing something wrong. I'm also just... so burned out on everything. I don't enjoy vore, I don't enjoy any of my kinks, or even any of my interests, I'm just... I'm just tired. I felt artistically inspired for like 5 seconds after getting home from the con, but once the reality of living in this hell-world hit me again, it vanished. I feel arguably worse now, like I'll never get to the point other artists get to, because... I mean I literally cant even draw right now, I can't even FEEL right now, I feel empty and vague and helpless. I don't know what I want, I just know I can't get it. I can't even do the things I said I would in the last journal, because I just... I feel so sick of my furry stuff right now that I almost want to just never get on my PC ever again. That feeling makes me feel even worse because I don't WANT to feel that way and just... It's horrible, it's like my brain is a foreign entity in my body that wants me to die constantly, and refuses to let me know a second of fucking peace. I'm just miserable. I've been miserable for years now, and I just have no idea how anyone puts up with me. I have no idea how you all still support me, or why you'd want to see me, or why you'd want to engage with the little i manage to do.
I'm just not ok. I'm really really not ok. I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow, hopefully something can be done, but honestly? I just feel incredibly fucking hopeless... I don't feel like I'll ever get a job I'll be able to do. I'll never get a job that will be willing to pay me a living wage. I'll never get to afford food, an apartment, let alone furry luxuries. I feel like this hellhole reality I'm trapped in is determined to kill me, to keep me fucking miserable. If I could just find work, and not have money stress every god damn second of every day, I'd be able to breathe and maybe recover. But that's not allowed. I just... I get up an inch, and the world, my life, just beats me a mile back down. I've burst through the bottom of the barrel like 10 times, each time thinking it can't get worse, only for life to prove me wrong.
I'm so sorry to rant publicly about this, but it's effecting my art productivity, so you need to know. I'm sorry about everything I just... I'm tired. I'm so tired. I'm not going to do anything or hurt myself, so please don't worry about that. I just... I have nowhere else to turn, nothing else to do, I dunno I just need to scream into the void sometimes...
Also: About my gallery deletion/reupload n such, I will probably just be going through each post I have, and curating/editing them instead of deleting everything just to reupload it. I will still be deleting things, so make sure you save your favorites. Though with my current mental health, these changes might take a friggin year who knows...
Sorry...
Here for you, buddy.
Now with that said I actually know what your feeling. That feeling of just being so damn beat down, so damn tired, so damn frustrated at everything even yourself that it all just feels hopeless. I wish I could tell ya it gets better over time but some days it just kinda suck? But lean on your friends and talk with them yea? It helps. Go scream into the void. It can help. But whatever ya do...just don't give up.
I hope you feel better. I hope the world lets you just take a moment to catch your breath.. and I hope my rant doesn't sound too preachy. Just wanted ya to know your not alone I guess.
I'll try my best.
Thank you hun, I appreciate it <3