I am so tired of making journals like this.

I hate, HATE being a downer all the time. I finally start to get comfortable, and then something completely out of my control goes catastrophically wrong. Somehow it gets worse each time. Good lord why is my luck like this?

So... last month I suffered an injury while at work: I pinched 3 nerves in my spine by just sitting in a chair and fiddling with my hands. After a year of repetitive motion, bending my arms in weird ways, sitting at a microscope, my shitty spine finally broke again. I started to feel nerve pain in my right arm, pain that I hadn't felt in over a decade. The same pain I had a major surgery to fix. I immediately rushed to the doctor, and that's when I was hit with all those medical bills.

Overwhelmed and in pain, I had no choice but to pursue worker's comp. Doing so has been an absolute fucking nightmare. I have never been more stressed in my entire life. The pressure of everything was almost too much for me. It still is. I won't mince words, my mental health has never been more dire. I'm not going to hurt myself, but I've gotten real close. The thought has occurred way more than I am comfortable with.

I am so unbelievably stressed, because I am quite literally going to lose everything I have built up over the past year. I can't go to work anymore, my arm and hand hurt so regularly that I can barely type this. My workplace has been liquidating employees, so there is absolutely no way they're going to keep me on board after all of this. Especially not after I take their insurance company to court. Yes, I was denied the worker's comp. Yes, the reason was absolutely insane, shady, and complete bullshit. Thank god I pursued a lawyer before it got to that point. I will win the lawsuit, and ironically, the company will have to pay me MORE than they did if they just gave me the Worker's Comp, but that doesn't make it any less stressful.

I am about to lose my income, my insurance, and soon, my home. I won't be able to pay my rent. I won't be able to buy food. I won't be able to do fucking anything because I can't even DRAW right now. My damn hand hurts so badly, and of course it does so right now when my mind can FINALLY feel again. I've never been more motivated or determined to make things in my life. I have so many ideas I want to create, but I can't physically do them because my body doesn't work. It's a living hell.

I will be doing all that I can to stay afloat, I'm trying to get short term disability or unemployment right now, so that I at least have SOME money to survive. But its going to get real bad, REAL fast. Its never been worse than it is right now. I am actively looking into long term disability as well. A positive of being denied WC is that I can go to any doctors I want again without restriction. I've been taking a bunch of tests to determine my chance at getting some sort of disability assistance. I can get back to that process, but I have to act fast before I get fired and lose my insurance.

Again, I hate, HATE how often I complain here. How often I yell into the void, and bother you people with my stupid problems. I feel like a piece of shit because of how I'm unable to do anything but ask for help near constantly. Nobody is more frustrated by all of this than I am. I want to draw for you, I want to take commissions, I want to do so much, but I physically can't right now. So I have no choice but to once again ask for any assistance you can provide.

I have to buy enough time to fix my injury. If I can get my arm/hand working again, I can at least finish up the art I owe, and restart how I handle commissions. Do it right this time. But sadly, physical therapy takes a LOT of time and a LOT of money that I just do not have. I know everyone is suffering right now. Shit is worse right now than it has ever been. So please, don't feel guilty about not being able to give or help. PLEASE make sure YOU are okay first. I don't want anyone to hinder themselves for my sake. But if you are able, I would greatly appreciate any help you can provide. If not financial, spreading the word helps more than you can imagine.

This is going to sound... very dumb, and make me look like an asshole, but it's true: If you want an easy way to support me, you can follow my Twitch channel. I actually get paid for the things I do over there. Not a lot, but it is SOMETHING. Even just having the tab open in another window while you do something else goes a long way. I can barely play video games right now with these hands, but its at least something I can do to give back to you, something that you can enjoy as a direct result of your support. I make stuff on YouTube too, but I DO NOT get paid there. I refuse to monetize my videos. YouTube wouldn't give me practically anything anyway, and the ads would make your viewing experience worse. So I just don't do it. All of that is to say: Peeking at my dumb streams does genuinely help me a lot, and while I feel like a dickhead advertising it in a journal like this, I have to share every support method possible. Shit's too dire right now.

I am so sorry it's always like this. I am so endlessly frustrated by it. I want to give you guys EVERYTHING. I wanna make the dopest shit possible for you, from videogames to dumb horny doodles of Bunnicula. I want to make SO much, and I am almost there. This is just... an impossibly large hurdle that I have to get past.

Direct donations via Ko-Fi: https://ko-fi.com/pieman

Support via ad revenue, followers, subscribers, and direct donations on Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/pieman24601

And it doesn't support me financially but maybe I can at least entertain you with this video I put up recently:


Thank you all for always putting up with me, for supporting me, for being kind to me. I don't know how I can ever repay what this community has done for my life. I love you all very much.