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I've finally figured it out. [Important: Please Read]
3 weeks ago
This morning at work, I listened to a podcast that 
caudle was on a few years ago: The Sewers of Paris. It made me think about... quite a lot of things, and I had a few important revelations.
I've had a lot on my mind lately. As my 30th birthday rapidly approaches, and I look back on my life so far, I feel... like an utter failure. I feel so... disconnected from the community I once had, from the joy the furry fandom used to fill me with. I'm so burned out on something that I used to love, that I was passionate about, and it absolutely breaks my heart. Ever sense I hit my breaking point a few years ago, and stopped drawing all together for the most part, I have felt... so... lost. I don't know where I'm going. I feel so empty, so devoid of passion, and utterly directionless.
I've been trying to identify WHY I feel this way. A lot of it was probably from my previous depression meds literally making me feel nothing, and my undiagnosed sleep apnea. But now that those things are taken care of, I should be feeling better. But... I don't. I'm not fixing the underlying problem. I've been struggling to identify what that underlying problem even is.
But today, while listening to Caudle talk, a bunch of puzzle pieces I've been setting up in my brain for a while now just... clicked together. It makes sense to me now.
I don't know what I want, and I feel directionless, because I've not properly explored what I want. I'm not making things I want to make. This is going to sound a bit... odd, but the problem is that I'm not being selfish enough.
What on earth do I mean by this?
I think the best way to explain, is by talking about something I created that I care about very deeply. A character you all adore, who's been terribly absent for the past few years: Sarah Vixen.
Sarah is... SO important to me. In some ways, she's more important to me than my own fursona. Sarah is the personification of my muse, a representation of my desires, what I desperately crave in life. She's a way to explore my feelings, a way to explore my kinks and interests, in a safe, kind, motherly, self indulgent fantasy. She's this... other side of myself. She behaves similar to me, but with no filters, with no limits, no problems. She's just... this utter embodiment of love and joy. She IS what the furry fandom is to me: A larger than life, snuggly ball of joy, powerful and pretty, who loves you dearly,and might also maybe eat you sometimes.
For a long time now, it has been... incredibly difficult, if nigh impossible for me to imagine her. I used to be able to think of her quite vividly, imagining scenarios and escapist fantasies that I could almost FEEL. Drawing her felt like I was reaching into that other world that I wished I could be in. She just... lived in my brain. It's hard to describe. But the point is: I pretty much entirely lost that feeling. I couldn't draw her correctly, couldn't remember how to. I couldn't visualize her in my head. I barely RP'd with her, barely used her at all in anything. I stopped using her for her intended purpose: Exploring my furry interests.
As I kept doing things I didn't really want to, kept forcing myself to draw and pump out art, I lost sight of her, lost sight of what I wanted. I never really knew what I wanted to do, not in specifics anyway. I have dreams, I want to make video games that really matter to people, but I don't have a specific idea that I've been thinking about forever or anything like that. The same goes for my furry OCs and their world. I don't have an elaborate or thought out world, nor a story that I want to tell, I just knew that I wanted to explore what made me feel good inside. I wanted to explore what resonated with me, what made me feel imaginary sensations in my mind, and share those feelings with others through my art. But I pushed myself too hard, I didn't take care of myself, and I lost sight of that.
As I listened to Caudle passionately talk about their interests, inspirations, and experiences, I realized what was missing from my art.
Me.
I don't think I've drawn anything that I've wanted to draw, that made me feel ways that I wanted to explore, in years.
And it's like... "Well duh! Obviously you should make what you want to make!" And... yes, I knew this, but I didn't LEARN it. Sometimes you can know a lesson, hear advice, know the best thing to do, but think for whatever reason that it doesn't apply to you. Sometimes you really need to have that lesson bashed into your skull until it sticks.
If I'm not enjoying what I'm doing, how on earth can anyone else? Art is an expression of inner feelings that you want to express to others through abstraction and interpretation. Yes, even kink art. ESPECIALLY kink art. I didn't draw Krystal as a naga back in the DeviantArt days because I was obliged to, I did that because I WANTED to, because that idea made me feel something good that I wanted to share. I should know this lesson. I DID know this lesson. But again, I didn't LEARN it.
I... need to let myself be me. I need to remember that the furry fandom isn't just "look cool animal" its a way to express your true self, your desires, your kinks, your dreams, no matter how weird or esoteric. It became so robotic for me, so formulaic, a way to survive during a very dark time, that it lost what made it special: The human element. We may be drawin funny animals, but it's the deepest form of expressing the human experience. It has no limits, no rules, no judgement.
I have terrible anxiety, I fear that making things that are self indulgent will be looked down upon, hated, or come back to bite me in some way. Like I'm currently making a video about Mimic the Octopus from IDW's Sonic the Hedgehog comics, but I also REALLY wanna draw myself maybe giving him a lil kiss. I worry that people who don't like the video will try to use my kinks and interests against me, to hurt me. But like... this is the furry fandom, that's what dickheads have been doing to us sense the inception. I can't let other's perceptions of what is normal or weird stop me from exploring things that make me feel real, genuine emotion. Especially not nowadays, when everything is so vapid and irony poisoned that caring about things is deemed "cringe" and stupid.
I'm almost 30. I've learned that people don't just tell you things like "believe in yourself" or "if you try, you can do anything" because they think it sounds nice or something like that. They're telling you these things because they desperately want you to internalize them. Art from my upbringing, art from the modern day, weather it be games or movies, shitty or a magnum opus, want you to feel an idea and apply it to your life, so you can live a better existence. I have crippling anxiety, terrible social skills, and depression up the ass, so it is REALLY hard for me to let myself feel like I deserve to or even CAN apply these lessons to my life. But like... we're all just people. None of us know what the fuck we're doing here. Even If we pretend real good, we are all fumbling our way through life. We're all doing what we believe is right, and trying to share our experiences with others so that they can live better lives too. Even if we're trying to convey a message as simple and silly as "hey wouldn't it feel really nice if a big fat fox girl gave you a big hug?" Its still worth expressing and sharing, because you meet others who say "Yeah that would feel nice" and then they become life long friends and an unbreakable support group.
I want nothing more than to pour my heart into some drawings of Sarah right now, but my damn pinched nerve is still very much a problem. I have an idea for a game that I want to start working on ASAP as well. I have so much I want to do. I want to feel through my art again, and I want to share it all with you. We all have such special, unique ideas and interests, and when we find others with similar ones, this wonderful fandom shines in such a special way that nowhere else can. I don't want to be apart from it anymore. I want to feel Sarah in my mind again. I want to be able to imagine her, explore what that furry world would be like, and let you peer into it too.
I almost forgot to mention this, but I also just... want to be way more honest with myself. I think I've lost sight of what I like, what I enjoy, what I want when it comes to kink. Especially vore stuff. I've been wondering why I feel... less impact with certain vore content, why some of it makes me feel this twinge of discomfort in the back in my brain. I think its because I've gotten so used to forcing myself to do things for survival and money, that I've become misaligned with what I actually find appealing about vore. I think about Sarah, and what I want with her. Think about the feelings I want to feel, and I realize a lot of vore stuff I've been doing isn't actually something I like. For example, I really love when a pred is doting on their prey. It's one of the reasons Sarah is so affectionate with her food. But when that possessiveness becomes "you're mine and nobody else's, mine mine mine, nobody else is allowed to eat you and I get jealous of it," I find myself feeling... uncomfortable? Like... maybe it ties into my sexuality, my feelings on why I'm aromantic asexual, where I don't really want to be committed to one thing. I like the idea of belonging to someone, but not... to a certain degree. I like bouncing between scenarios and feelings, even with the same person, but also having the freedom to explore other experiences. I don't want Sarah to be the only one who gobbles me up, I want to explore folks like Kaa and Stitch, see and feel other feelings that different characters make me feel.
What I'm getting at is that I'm remembering how picky I am about my kink interests. That instead of letting my particular boundaries be broken for the sake of others or money or whatever, I should be doing what I feel most comfortable with, because I need to respect myself. I need to respect others by being able to say "no" when I'm not feeling it. I need to be a bit selfish.
So... yeah I've had a lot on my mind today that I needed to get off my chest. I'm going to be SO tired tomorrow morning but I absolutely needed to get this out there. I just... feel.. different. I've been slowly working towards this conclusion for a while now, but I think what finally locked things in for me was hearing Caudle on that podcast. Hearing someone I look up to, someone who's creations I respect immensely, talk about how those creations are successful because they are true to what they enjoy, made me realize that I need to do the same. I need to have confidence that others out there will like what I like too. I should stop thinking "god I wish I could do that" because I literally HAVE done that at one point. It just helped organize all these jumbled up pieces into the proper slots they were supposed to fit in. I am incredibly grateful for that <3
So TDLR: I WILL become known for my love of hoodies and comfy cartoon clothes MUCH like Caudle is known for tails because enjoying specific things is good and valid and I'm going to throw Sarah at you so just you TRY to block this overhead she is LARGE and powerful and aaaaaaaaa
Love you all lots, thank you <3
caudle was on a few years ago: The Sewers of Paris. It made me think about... quite a lot of things, and I had a few important revelations. I've had a lot on my mind lately. As my 30th birthday rapidly approaches, and I look back on my life so far, I feel... like an utter failure. I feel so... disconnected from the community I once had, from the joy the furry fandom used to fill me with. I'm so burned out on something that I used to love, that I was passionate about, and it absolutely breaks my heart. Ever sense I hit my breaking point a few years ago, and stopped drawing all together for the most part, I have felt... so... lost. I don't know where I'm going. I feel so empty, so devoid of passion, and utterly directionless.
I've been trying to identify WHY I feel this way. A lot of it was probably from my previous depression meds literally making me feel nothing, and my undiagnosed sleep apnea. But now that those things are taken care of, I should be feeling better. But... I don't. I'm not fixing the underlying problem. I've been struggling to identify what that underlying problem even is.
But today, while listening to Caudle talk, a bunch of puzzle pieces I've been setting up in my brain for a while now just... clicked together. It makes sense to me now.
I don't know what I want, and I feel directionless, because I've not properly explored what I want. I'm not making things I want to make. This is going to sound a bit... odd, but the problem is that I'm not being selfish enough.
What on earth do I mean by this?
I think the best way to explain, is by talking about something I created that I care about very deeply. A character you all adore, who's been terribly absent for the past few years: Sarah Vixen.
Sarah is... SO important to me. In some ways, she's more important to me than my own fursona. Sarah is the personification of my muse, a representation of my desires, what I desperately crave in life. She's a way to explore my feelings, a way to explore my kinks and interests, in a safe, kind, motherly, self indulgent fantasy. She's this... other side of myself. She behaves similar to me, but with no filters, with no limits, no problems. She's just... this utter embodiment of love and joy. She IS what the furry fandom is to me: A larger than life, snuggly ball of joy, powerful and pretty, who loves you dearly,
For a long time now, it has been... incredibly difficult, if nigh impossible for me to imagine her. I used to be able to think of her quite vividly, imagining scenarios and escapist fantasies that I could almost FEEL. Drawing her felt like I was reaching into that other world that I wished I could be in. She just... lived in my brain. It's hard to describe. But the point is: I pretty much entirely lost that feeling. I couldn't draw her correctly, couldn't remember how to. I couldn't visualize her in my head. I barely RP'd with her, barely used her at all in anything. I stopped using her for her intended purpose: Exploring my furry interests.
As I kept doing things I didn't really want to, kept forcing myself to draw and pump out art, I lost sight of her, lost sight of what I wanted. I never really knew what I wanted to do, not in specifics anyway. I have dreams, I want to make video games that really matter to people, but I don't have a specific idea that I've been thinking about forever or anything like that. The same goes for my furry OCs and their world. I don't have an elaborate or thought out world, nor a story that I want to tell, I just knew that I wanted to explore what made me feel good inside. I wanted to explore what resonated with me, what made me feel imaginary sensations in my mind, and share those feelings with others through my art. But I pushed myself too hard, I didn't take care of myself, and I lost sight of that.
As I listened to Caudle passionately talk about their interests, inspirations, and experiences, I realized what was missing from my art.
Me.
I don't think I've drawn anything that I've wanted to draw, that made me feel ways that I wanted to explore, in years.
And it's like... "Well duh! Obviously you should make what you want to make!" And... yes, I knew this, but I didn't LEARN it. Sometimes you can know a lesson, hear advice, know the best thing to do, but think for whatever reason that it doesn't apply to you. Sometimes you really need to have that lesson bashed into your skull until it sticks.
If I'm not enjoying what I'm doing, how on earth can anyone else? Art is an expression of inner feelings that you want to express to others through abstraction and interpretation. Yes, even kink art. ESPECIALLY kink art. I didn't draw Krystal as a naga back in the DeviantArt days because I was obliged to, I did that because I WANTED to, because that idea made me feel something good that I wanted to share. I should know this lesson. I DID know this lesson. But again, I didn't LEARN it.
I... need to let myself be me. I need to remember that the furry fandom isn't just "look cool animal" its a way to express your true self, your desires, your kinks, your dreams, no matter how weird or esoteric. It became so robotic for me, so formulaic, a way to survive during a very dark time, that it lost what made it special: The human element. We may be drawin funny animals, but it's the deepest form of expressing the human experience. It has no limits, no rules, no judgement.
I have terrible anxiety, I fear that making things that are self indulgent will be looked down upon, hated, or come back to bite me in some way. Like I'm currently making a video about Mimic the Octopus from IDW's Sonic the Hedgehog comics, but I also REALLY wanna draw myself maybe giving him a lil kiss. I worry that people who don't like the video will try to use my kinks and interests against me, to hurt me. But like... this is the furry fandom, that's what dickheads have been doing to us sense the inception. I can't let other's perceptions of what is normal or weird stop me from exploring things that make me feel real, genuine emotion. Especially not nowadays, when everything is so vapid and irony poisoned that caring about things is deemed "cringe" and stupid.
I'm almost 30. I've learned that people don't just tell you things like "believe in yourself" or "if you try, you can do anything" because they think it sounds nice or something like that. They're telling you these things because they desperately want you to internalize them. Art from my upbringing, art from the modern day, weather it be games or movies, shitty or a magnum opus, want you to feel an idea and apply it to your life, so you can live a better existence. I have crippling anxiety, terrible social skills, and depression up the ass, so it is REALLY hard for me to let myself feel like I deserve to or even CAN apply these lessons to my life. But like... we're all just people. None of us know what the fuck we're doing here. Even If we pretend real good, we are all fumbling our way through life. We're all doing what we believe is right, and trying to share our experiences with others so that they can live better lives too. Even if we're trying to convey a message as simple and silly as "hey wouldn't it feel really nice if a big fat fox girl gave you a big hug?" Its still worth expressing and sharing, because you meet others who say "Yeah that would feel nice" and then they become life long friends and an unbreakable support group.
I want nothing more than to pour my heart into some drawings of Sarah right now, but my damn pinched nerve is still very much a problem. I have an idea for a game that I want to start working on ASAP as well. I have so much I want to do. I want to feel through my art again, and I want to share it all with you. We all have such special, unique ideas and interests, and when we find others with similar ones, this wonderful fandom shines in such a special way that nowhere else can. I don't want to be apart from it anymore. I want to feel Sarah in my mind again. I want to be able to imagine her, explore what that furry world would be like, and let you peer into it too.
I almost forgot to mention this, but I also just... want to be way more honest with myself. I think I've lost sight of what I like, what I enjoy, what I want when it comes to kink. Especially vore stuff. I've been wondering why I feel... less impact with certain vore content, why some of it makes me feel this twinge of discomfort in the back in my brain. I think its because I've gotten so used to forcing myself to do things for survival and money, that I've become misaligned with what I actually find appealing about vore. I think about Sarah, and what I want with her. Think about the feelings I want to feel, and I realize a lot of vore stuff I've been doing isn't actually something I like. For example, I really love when a pred is doting on their prey. It's one of the reasons Sarah is so affectionate with her food. But when that possessiveness becomes "you're mine and nobody else's, mine mine mine, nobody else is allowed to eat you and I get jealous of it," I find myself feeling... uncomfortable? Like... maybe it ties into my sexuality, my feelings on why I'm aromantic asexual, where I don't really want to be committed to one thing. I like the idea of belonging to someone, but not... to a certain degree. I like bouncing between scenarios and feelings, even with the same person, but also having the freedom to explore other experiences. I don't want Sarah to be the only one who gobbles me up, I want to explore folks like Kaa and Stitch, see and feel other feelings that different characters make me feel.
What I'm getting at is that I'm remembering how picky I am about my kink interests. That instead of letting my particular boundaries be broken for the sake of others or money or whatever, I should be doing what I feel most comfortable with, because I need to respect myself. I need to respect others by being able to say "no" when I'm not feeling it. I need to be a bit selfish.
So... yeah I've had a lot on my mind today that I needed to get off my chest. I'm going to be SO tired tomorrow morning but I absolutely needed to get this out there. I just... feel.. different. I've been slowly working towards this conclusion for a while now, but I think what finally locked things in for me was hearing Caudle on that podcast. Hearing someone I look up to, someone who's creations I respect immensely, talk about how those creations are successful because they are true to what they enjoy, made me realize that I need to do the same. I need to have confidence that others out there will like what I like too. I should stop thinking "god I wish I could do that" because I literally HAVE done that at one point. It just helped organize all these jumbled up pieces into the proper slots they were supposed to fit in. I am incredibly grateful for that <3
So TDLR: I WILL become known for my love of hoodies and comfy cartoon clothes MUCH like Caudle is known for tails because enjoying specific things is good and valid and I'm going to throw Sarah at you so just you TRY to block this overhead she is LARGE and powerful and aaaaaaaaa
Love you all lots, thank you <3
Just go with the flow, man. Things work so much better when you're simply free to do what you want to do. You'll find your mental state improving as well, as who you are and who you want to be align more and more.
and I can kinda see how you got here, which-- I shouldn't need to explain? You already said as much-- but getting overbooked on commissions and expectations to finish owed work before anything else, very obviously created a mental block and an inescapable maelstrom of negative associations that pushed you away from doing what you wanted because you felt like you *had* to do the other things first. That is a huge hurdle to deal with. If you're able to finally move past it though and work for yourself again, then good-- do that. Don't look back. Write it off as a mistake, you've learned a lot from it, and don't do it again. Work for yourself from now on. Do what feels good. I'm confident people will support you doing what you love.
high five!
It is great to have finally reached that point in your life where all the pieces of the puzzle that you have been holding in your hands for years suddenly make sense and the bigger picture becomes clearer for you.
Never stop looking forwards and treating each day as an opportunity to improve yourself and those around you <3
I know I don't comment a great deal and often with these kind of journals I do get kind of overwhelmed and end up not knowing what to say, but I do want you to know I do read them, and read your trials ans tribulations, and care for your well-being, and I'm happy to hear that you've reached an important turning point.
Enjoy indulging in your Sarahside!
Thank you so much for doing so. I am sorry to overwhelm with how often things tend to go FUBAR for me, but I am very greatful for your support and kindness always <3
And hoodies
Basically the Sarah motto when I think about it...