FA+
Shop
who even reads that stuff of mine?
2 years ago
Fuck i got manipulated by that guy i hate him so much for being like that, but i hare myself even more for being so submissive to him, I'm so stupid i still want to get back to him, but i trust ___ and other people from ___(one discord server) so i better keep him blocked and just get him out of my head, argh! Because of him i now hate so much healthy stuff like self care, doing my bed brushing my teeth etc because he used it as instrument to manipulate me.
AAAARGH, I can't believe that THIS was my first relationship! Why would he do it! And he knew about it! How can someone be so cruel to do something like that?
Why am i so vulnerable??? I kinda like that I'm so submissive and stuff but at the same time it means that i can get abused by people like him!
I really feel bad now after blocking him, like physically bad, my head hurts, my tummy hurts, i feel like I'm going to barf and pass put at the same time, i feel like i have a hangover and at the same I'm drunk but without pain killing effect, i really also should get some sleep because i think i saw hallucinations again, I don't like when they return, they are scary, but mostly annoying, they annoy me
I was told that I'm very anxious and stressed, and now I'm interested if that's actually true.
Maybe I'm like that because of my lack of sleep? It's not like a lack of sleep but rather very inconsistent sleep schedule, i sleep from 3 to 13 hours a day, and even when i have too much of sleep i still have those damn circles under my eyes.
Oh and also i recently found out that I'm trans, bht then i quickly realised that i live in Russia so now I'm trying to forget it because I can't leave this place because of family and all the stuff i have here, so my only way is to forget it completely somehow or hope for win of Boris Nadejdin in 2024 so we could get everything in place, so if people transition in their 50s even and get easily passed, so i have more than 30 years ahead to get my true self out... Yay...
I don't even know why I'm writing it right now, i haven't did it for a while, it's probably because i feel light headed from everything around me, i just feel so bad, i was crying for past hours, i just want to cry endlessly but crying hurts my eyes and I don't want to explain it after especially considering that most of this stuff is unacceptable for most of people
I'm pretty sure that i will later read it and cringe at what i wrote in future, but right now i don't regret anything, i just want everything to stop, i even had serious self harm urges recently, even more i really got drunk recently, for the first time, why am i such a mess?? I just want to have a normal life with some good friends, a decent job, with normal childhood like everyone had, i want to live a family with average income, i don't want to have any of those problems
Gosh, it gets so bad... I just wanna die to be honest, i can't keep moving like that, i can't find any reason to live besides that my friends and family would be sad, i think it's not even a real reason, I'm just afraid of death, I don't know what awaits me, maybe something even worse, but I don't know, but you know, there is only one to find out am i right?
I really should stop there until i get too deep in this, it's just too much for me, i think I'll post it on furaffinity in my journals, I don't know why, just feeling like it
AAAARGH, I can't believe that THIS was my first relationship! Why would he do it! And he knew about it! How can someone be so cruel to do something like that?
Why am i so vulnerable??? I kinda like that I'm so submissive and stuff but at the same time it means that i can get abused by people like him!
I really feel bad now after blocking him, like physically bad, my head hurts, my tummy hurts, i feel like I'm going to barf and pass put at the same time, i feel like i have a hangover and at the same I'm drunk but without pain killing effect, i really also should get some sleep because i think i saw hallucinations again, I don't like when they return, they are scary, but mostly annoying, they annoy me
I was told that I'm very anxious and stressed, and now I'm interested if that's actually true.
Maybe I'm like that because of my lack of sleep? It's not like a lack of sleep but rather very inconsistent sleep schedule, i sleep from 3 to 13 hours a day, and even when i have too much of sleep i still have those damn circles under my eyes.
Oh and also i recently found out that I'm trans, bht then i quickly realised that i live in Russia so now I'm trying to forget it because I can't leave this place because of family and all the stuff i have here, so my only way is to forget it completely somehow or hope for win of Boris Nadejdin in 2024 so we could get everything in place, so if people transition in their 50s even and get easily passed, so i have more than 30 years ahead to get my true self out... Yay...
I don't even know why I'm writing it right now, i haven't did it for a while, it's probably because i feel light headed from everything around me, i just feel so bad, i was crying for past hours, i just want to cry endlessly but crying hurts my eyes and I don't want to explain it after especially considering that most of this stuff is unacceptable for most of people
I'm pretty sure that i will later read it and cringe at what i wrote in future, but right now i don't regret anything, i just want everything to stop, i even had serious self harm urges recently, even more i really got drunk recently, for the first time, why am i such a mess?? I just want to have a normal life with some good friends, a decent job, with normal childhood like everyone had, i want to live a family with average income, i don't want to have any of those problems
Gosh, it gets so bad... I just wanna die to be honest, i can't keep moving like that, i can't find any reason to live besides that my friends and family would be sad, i think it's not even a real reason, I'm just afraid of death, I don't know what awaits me, maybe something even worse, but I don't know, but you know, there is only one to find out am i right?
I really should stop there until i get too deep in this, it's just too much for me, i think I'll post it on furaffinity in my journals, I don't know why, just feeling like it
