My emotions returned and my memory recovers, i think for all this years of suffer i just needed to tell somewhere what is happening to me and not just keeping it inside. After i started writing this journals my mentality recovered really fast, i returned my emotions at first i was really sad and suicidal even, i already planed how to make it look like an accident if something goes wrong, but (fortunately) it passed quickly, and i learned again how to be happy, so i will do my best to remain in such mood without getting all this bad thoughts again.
I think i also got some inspiration maybe i even draw something and post here, but i don't i will post it if it looks bad i have some perfectionism in me and I can't showcase something that looks bad.
I think i will stop writing journals until i will want to tell something... Somewhere. If you were reading that journals, bye!