Hey ya'll, I just wanna keep you updated on what's going on.

I'm... still not doing too hot. I had a period of time where I WAS doing okay, feeling happy and excited enough to draw, but that feeling just... vanished. The feeling left almost as fast as it came. I've been talking to family and friends, and we think that my depression and anxiety medication might be messed up. Something's gotta be wrong, because the way I feel is just... It's not normal at all.

I've been feeling this... void of emotion. Like... I've been feeling NOTHING. It's so hard to describe: All I feel is negative emotions, pain, stress, its like my dopamine producers literally do not work. Something is chemically very wrong in my head, cause it's hard for me to feel human right now. I can barely take care of myself, I sleep most of the day, and no mater how hard I try, I just cannot feel any joy. Vore and furry stuff makes me feel like... this repulsion, this sense of disgust or just... I don't know how to word the feeling it makes me feel, but its like physical repulsion. Same when I sit at my computer, every time I do, I feel overwhelmingly tired almost immediately. It's like my brain is programmed completely wrong right now, and I'm trying so fuckin hard to fight it, but I'm not exactly winning...

I won't be able to properly investigate this until the end of this month, as my doctor is fully booked until then. But hopefully, when I do see him, we'll be able to try a different mix of medication. What I've got now is fucking me up in a real bad way that renders me so useless. I feel horrific right now. It's really difficult for me to word just how awful this feels. It feels even worse because I feel like I'm failing all of you. I feel like I'm ruining my reputation, making myself not trustworthy anymore, or just... I feel so estranged from the vore community right now and I hate it, it makes me feel miserable.

I don't want to be like this, I want to get better. I'm very sick right now, and I'm so so sorry for worrying all of you, for not being around, for not finishing what I owe yet, for just... for everything this past year or so... I don't really think I've been okay sense covid hit, and I was kicked out of my house by my abusive father. I think i'm still reeling from being forced onto my own, without even a job yet to fend for myself.

Sorry I don't mean to ramble, I dunno... I feel terrible for even writing this journal I just... I don't want to leave you all in the dark. I really care about all of you, so very much. I am so sorry for worrying you, for scaring you, for making you stress about me, or anything around me. I will make it all right I just... need to get better first. I need to fix my mess of a life first.

I can't thank you enough for sticking with me through the darkest years of my life. I would absolutely be dead if it weren't for all of you. Thank you. I love you all so much. <3