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Get it together hormones
2 years ago
General
I am feeling really emotionally weak at the moment and hae been struggling with the foggiest of brain fogs all week. I think I might be getting sick but I really can't be ill right now.
I have a sat&sun weekend seminar thing this weekend all about gender, sexuality and relationship diversity which is compulsory to attend so I really super can't be ill. I'm a bit nervous about the weekend though, mainly because most of the class is very in that hetero-normative bracket, with only 3 of us being outside of that.
Theres part of day one where we are supposed to get into our specific genders and discuss stuff for an hour with the others in our group. Except im the only agendered (I still hate that term) person on my course. So am I just gonna be in a group by myself? Theres a trans person in my course so maybe we'll be teamed together, so maybe it'll just actually be three groups? But thats not what the brief says.
Then talking about sexuality...being asexual too...and then relationship wise, where okay my relationship looks normal from the outside, but actually we're a poly relationship where the others kinda went their seperate ways, we're also in an open relationship and so it looks normal to anyone looking but its also kinda not. So this whole weekend feels like it's just gonna be really highlighting how different my way of being in the world is, and I'm slightly concerned I'm gonna be made an example of, or like expected to teach folk. I can only speak from my own experience and im willing to help to a certain point but i dont wanna be some specimen.
Maybe I'm worrying over nothing though. My hormones have been doing all sorts of crazy backflips the past few days. One minute im sad the next seething the next hyper. It's just exhausting.
I've been working on losing weight since the start of the year, and I've so far managed to lose 16lbs (just over 7 kilos) Im not doing any fad diets just literally walking more, drinking more water and doing more exercise, and I should be feeling good about it all going in teh right direction but truthfully I caught my naked reflection in the mirror last night and just...sobbed.
My body is such a mess and I felt just so utterly disgusting. Daddy found me crying and he hugged me a lot and told me he loved me a lot and that really helped so so much. But i cant get over how repulsive I felt last night, and that feeling is still lingering. Im pretty sure its cause im hormonal, I always hate my body most when that time of the month kicks in.
Weirdly i used to dream of being an AB model and just..I hate my body so much i cant imagine showing it to people, and perhaps seeing all these really pretty folk online showing how trim and cute they are just tangles me in knots knowing that isnt me.
Thats why I hide behind Star, and Gem, I feel confident that they can be that part of me I dream about I guess. This is just a random ramble and im sure ill be fine. I think I need more sleep maybe. But yeah just throwing some thoughts out there. Thanks for reading and I appreciate you taking time to do so.
I have a sat&sun weekend seminar thing this weekend all about gender, sexuality and relationship diversity which is compulsory to attend so I really super can't be ill. I'm a bit nervous about the weekend though, mainly because most of the class is very in that hetero-normative bracket, with only 3 of us being outside of that.
Theres part of day one where we are supposed to get into our specific genders and discuss stuff for an hour with the others in our group. Except im the only agendered (I still hate that term) person on my course. So am I just gonna be in a group by myself? Theres a trans person in my course so maybe we'll be teamed together, so maybe it'll just actually be three groups? But thats not what the brief says.
Then talking about sexuality...being asexual too...and then relationship wise, where okay my relationship looks normal from the outside, but actually we're a poly relationship where the others kinda went their seperate ways, we're also in an open relationship and so it looks normal to anyone looking but its also kinda not. So this whole weekend feels like it's just gonna be really highlighting how different my way of being in the world is, and I'm slightly concerned I'm gonna be made an example of, or like expected to teach folk. I can only speak from my own experience and im willing to help to a certain point but i dont wanna be some specimen.
Maybe I'm worrying over nothing though. My hormones have been doing all sorts of crazy backflips the past few days. One minute im sad the next seething the next hyper. It's just exhausting.
I've been working on losing weight since the start of the year, and I've so far managed to lose 16lbs (just over 7 kilos) Im not doing any fad diets just literally walking more, drinking more water and doing more exercise, and I should be feeling good about it all going in teh right direction but truthfully I caught my naked reflection in the mirror last night and just...sobbed.
My body is such a mess and I felt just so utterly disgusting. Daddy found me crying and he hugged me a lot and told me he loved me a lot and that really helped so so much. But i cant get over how repulsive I felt last night, and that feeling is still lingering. Im pretty sure its cause im hormonal, I always hate my body most when that time of the month kicks in.
Weirdly i used to dream of being an AB model and just..I hate my body so much i cant imagine showing it to people, and perhaps seeing all these really pretty folk online showing how trim and cute they are just tangles me in knots knowing that isnt me.
Thats why I hide behind Star, and Gem, I feel confident that they can be that part of me I dream about I guess. This is just a random ramble and im sure ill be fine. I think I need more sleep maybe. But yeah just throwing some thoughts out there. Thanks for reading and I appreciate you taking time to do so.
The reality is that, want it or not, you are living a "different" life than most people. And there's nothing wrong with that. And the fact is that most people never even likely were exposed to such a difference in how other folks live.
And you're a really, really good person, and you being different is nothing to be ashamed of; in fact, I'd argue I'd be relieved to know that it's you who might be their first foray into "non-traditional relationships" and/or "non-traditional gender", because of the very fact that you're a good person.
Again, less of a "specimen", and more of a "teacher" is how I'd approach this.
And I echo your bodily issue hard. For different reasons.
Hence why I hate being in front of a camera, but would much rather be behind one...
So please, don't be too hard on yourself. And don't be sick. <3
I didn't want to make my comment come across as "let's make this about me", but more of a "I get it... and I have no words about this." sort of thing... And if everyone was okay with their bodies, we wouldn't be having this discussion. XD
And thank you for the kind words. <3
I try to be supportive in any way I can. I'm a support character/service dog, after all. So gotta do my job to the best of my ability. <3
You're a good doggo.
However, I have been working on myself in other aspects, like lifting dumbbells and washing my face more often, and that’s definitely helping me!
Star, you are DEFINITELY not the only person who has an “I Hate My Body” moment, and while I am doing better than before in some aspects, I still have a long way to go. And I hope you can do a good journey about being more comfortable in your body; it’s the only one you have.
Much love coming to you!
Im glad you're finding ways to work on yourself and that it's helping. And yes you're right. our bodies are the only ones we have, I've spent a large chunk of my time so far ignoring that fact, and mistreating my body, and trying to reverse that is a lot of hard work and is going to take commitment and a long time I guess. But Thank you for the kind words and I hope your efforts continue to be rewarded.
Also, can I have a goose, pliz? I want a plump, feathery frend~
The stress of this issue may also be making you feel physically ill. Like test anxiety sickness in young kids, not wanting to go to school on a day when they're having a big exam.
On the other hand, as has been pointed out, going and engaging with the others to show them another way of looking at things may be helpful.
However, given the negative attitudes you've mentioned from these people in the past, this seems like something that you may do better to avoid, for your own mental hygiene. Because while you may be wiling to make this a teaching moment, you know they're going to upset you in some manner.
I realize that facing the difficult and the painful is part of this course you're on, but if you are feeling ill, I'd recommend you listen to your body.
It's also ok not to be "normal. I'm open poly and have multiple fwbs as well. many people are different and that's ok.
Walking and running a lot = Weight Loss
Weight Lifting = Muscle
So stick with the walking/running. Also, 16 pounds in 3 months is great! Keep up the good work! :D
I feel the same with my own 'sonas too; they represent an idealised/romanticised version of myself.
*hugglesqueaks lots an' lots*
I hate the gender grouping shit and anything surrounding identity as a whole, its always neglective of queer people and they just expect us to file into one or the other... good luck, I hope it doesn't go too badly.. a lot of the people in ur group don't seem very considerate ngl
Working hard to lose weight and take better care of my skin and hair and stuff so I can try to pretend just a little bit longer... 🥹
As for the thing this weekend, don't fret about it. You will do great. Just speak from the heart about what you know. You got this. You may be the only one in your own experience but here is the thing.. There is a lot of wisdom in learning about new aspects of different kinds of relationships just like yours. I am poly as well. I am a genderfluid person. There are people out there that wants to learn. They'll thank you for those few pieces of cherished wisdom before you know it. <3
There is nothing wrong with being a poly relationship, especially when you are asexual. It is the responsible thing to do, since you are making sure your partner's needs are being met, even if you cannot meet them yourself. Expecting only 2 people to fully complete each other with no outside help is just... unhealthy, really. Can it happen, sure? But if you know there is a major gap? Discuss it as SOs and find the best solution; avoiding doing so will only lead to breakups.
As for the body image, firstly, I'm glad you aren't doing fad diets (though don't really work anyway; ask a doctor who to lose weight, and I always got a different fad diet each time I asked), and second... you are beautiful the way you are, even if you are a bit plus sized. If you wanna lose weight, that is fine, just don't feel like you *have* to. I've seen a few RL pictures of you, and I think you are adorable.