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multiple kids
a year ago
General
So...I've been doing this essay all on bringing the inner child into the therapy space and in therapy today I came across something i realized about myself.
The inner child in me, is not the same as my little side. Not even in the slightest. I always thought I was in touch with my inner child what with being a little/AB/DL/agere, and it being a huge part of me...But no. It's really not the same thing at all for me. I think what i've been doing is trying to chase a childhood I never had, fill this new adult childhood with good/healthy memories so that I can then sorta overlay the bad memories and missed loved in my real childhood.
So I've actually been neglecting my real inner child whilst I've been off chasing something to fix her.
I tried to talk to my inner child during some of my therapy and she totally shut me down, like she doesnt want to talk to me, because she's fine by herself. She doesn't need me, she's so used to being by herself, she doesnt trust me...or any adults actually, and she certainly doesn't like that I want to talk to her now, when shes been trying to talk to me but ive not been available to her, so now that I want to talk to her, she's giving me the silent treatment. It feels very childish, like a tantrum. Shes being uncooperative so I get a taste of how its felt to her for all these years. Or maybe its just the mistrust, like... once i get what I want will I just leave her alone again?
I get it. My mum was emotionally unavailable to me and I've just been perpetuating that cycle to myself. No amount of good memories now are going to undo the trauma of back then and I really should stop trying to do that.
Im not sure im getting rid of my little side or anything, but just that...these are actually two seperate things and ive been fooling myself for decades thinking if i found this perfect family experience, if i found someone who would love little me unconditionally that somehow it would fix me..but it's all a distraction from working on that real inner kid version of me who feels very abandonned and very mistrusting and has just been neglected for so long that it feels normal.
The inner child in me, is not the same as my little side. Not even in the slightest. I always thought I was in touch with my inner child what with being a little/AB/DL/agere, and it being a huge part of me...But no. It's really not the same thing at all for me. I think what i've been doing is trying to chase a childhood I never had, fill this new adult childhood with good/healthy memories so that I can then sorta overlay the bad memories and missed loved in my real childhood.
So I've actually been neglecting my real inner child whilst I've been off chasing something to fix her.
I tried to talk to my inner child during some of my therapy and she totally shut me down, like she doesnt want to talk to me, because she's fine by herself. She doesn't need me, she's so used to being by herself, she doesnt trust me...or any adults actually, and she certainly doesn't like that I want to talk to her now, when shes been trying to talk to me but ive not been available to her, so now that I want to talk to her, she's giving me the silent treatment. It feels very childish, like a tantrum. Shes being uncooperative so I get a taste of how its felt to her for all these years. Or maybe its just the mistrust, like... once i get what I want will I just leave her alone again?
I get it. My mum was emotionally unavailable to me and I've just been perpetuating that cycle to myself. No amount of good memories now are going to undo the trauma of back then and I really should stop trying to do that.
Im not sure im getting rid of my little side or anything, but just that...these are actually two seperate things and ive been fooling myself for decades thinking if i found this perfect family experience, if i found someone who would love little me unconditionally that somehow it would fix me..but it's all a distraction from working on that real inner kid version of me who feels very abandonned and very mistrusting and has just been neglected for so long that it feels normal.
I hear that whole "abandonment trauma/issues" bit, myself I get her in that fashion. :\
I'm (un)lucky in how my "inner child" is, indeed, my "little self". I've figured that one a while ago.
And my inner child is just... scared of coming out. Because she keeps getting hurt whenever she does. And she retreats very, very quickly too.
So I kind of get where you're coming from.
I hope you get to open a dialog with her, if that's what you want.
For better or worse, it might help you get to know yourself, or at least parts of yourself, better? *hugs*
Took you a long time to figure out the duality of your inner child and your little self. You had the wrong premise, but now you know better. And that means you can act on it.
And while I get that a child can't quite grasp the... "reality" of it, the "logic" behind it...
You're a clever girl (though not a raptor...). And that means your child self is as well.
I'm not worried for the long run.
Might be difficult, if not trifficult, to regain her trust...
But you'll get there, because you're both clever, as well as kind. <3
I feel comfortable publicly saying this - on our end as a system abdl stuff is great for emulating a childhood we didn't have, while work also needs to be done to reconnect our inner child with the childhood he did have. :3
hope this will be good progress!
I actually need to say that i can't really imagine how it is to talk to the inner Child. I am in this community of Babyfur but i am not really one...i guess. I am more of an DL then an AB So reading stuff like thats feels like i still don't really "fit" into that comunity.
I have a little side myself but my default mode is caretaker, (easy to do so when there are so many littles around and you grow a habit out of being a loving, if teasing, caretaker/mommy/daddy etc...but at the same time next to nobody is *actually* able or willing to be a caretaker to you). And any time it's come out...9/10 times it's...never catered to by other people, so it just shuts down and locks away for the foreseeable future...
Inner child on the other hand...I just know it isn't in the best condition given my upbringing. (Honestly, it feels like the only time my inner child does come out is...when I visit Disney World but I've only been there 4 times in the past 12 years...and the last visit, {Family vacation so go figure}...was dicey. Thank Walt for "Happily Ever After".) I haven't got the foggiest idea what my inner child is like. It's entirely possible my inner child is what my little side is based off, {wanting to be genuinely loved, cared for, not have to carry the weight of others, not being manipulated or deceived), but idk.
estaria interesante conocer a tu niña interior por otro aspecto, podria llevarme bien con ella, al menos, siento que tengo algo de facilidad para tratar con niños (comparado a como era de pequeño que tenia mas facilidad para tratar con adultos... como que eso se invirtio), lo siento si no escribo en ingles, aunque podria intentarlo siento que estaria bastante, bastante mas limitado a lo que podria expresar por mi poca capacidad de escritura en el idioma jeje
I'm still learning to live with my Inner Child even though its been almost a year since we finally made contact with one another. Children remember the things we do to them but they are also very aware of the things we do to ourselves. No matter how hard we try, they are going to be one of the first people to notice the masks we wear and when they slip. Once they see your face beneath that mask, there is a more than high chance that they'll see that you're hurting like they have been and you will both start to heal. That's been my experience so far.
I hope you and your Inner Child can begin to talk soon.
And in reality it's building bridges
They are two parts of the same coin
If done correctly your little side holds your inner child's hand on the journey to healing, like a younger sibling convincing the older one to play with them
I'm not the best at this myself and often let one or the other fall to the wayside because I don't really understand how to human well
But this is the idea I shoot for and try to balance
No idea how to even talk to that side of myself though