Zoinks! My last Journal was at the very end of 2020... It's been a while, hasn't it? ;^_^ And what a depressing Journal that was, too. ;>_>

I've had so much happen before and after that Journal mind you. Stressful, vindictive, and emotionally crippling times to start. Add an accidental dark moment or two, and suffice to say, I've been fucked in the heart and head ever since... The pandemic that was COVID-19 didn't help much either (that's not to say that that pandemic's gone mind you). Then, slowly but surely, the times picked up. Signs of hope. Reasons to look forward to new days. Ways to cope with stress if not eliminate it. And then one roller coaster after another that's been upping and downing all emotions, stress levels, and health (more so mental health). So many lessons learned, so many lessons I can't understand but am desperately trying to, and so many lessons I have yet to learn.

Strap in, my faithful follower. This Journal's gonna be a doozy.

And before you say, "Oh, just give me the 'Too Long, Didn't Read' (TLDR) version, please, I ain't got time for that shizz," screw off. In real life, there aren't any TLDRs. I've read all of yours. Now read mine. lol

That being said, to start off... There is one chapter of my life that I will briefly touch upon. For now. I can always do a separate Journal of that another day, but not today... I had this best friend. For all intents and purposes, let's call them... "Leah." Seven years we lasted as BFFs. Started off amazing. Then one development happened after another. Mostly at their end. They became... A different person. And not for the better. There was nothing I could do but be supportive. And even that's apparently a no-no. There was a falling-out, then a reunion, then another falling-out, then another reunion, and then finally a brash and vindictive falling-out on their end over something they blew way out of proportion. Took something too personally and made me feel lower than rat excrement. I was left... Broken. Helpless. Depressed to all Hell. A shell of a man with no hope anymore. Always questioning my own self-worth.

Like I said, I'll have to reveal more to give better context. But I'm not in that mindset right now. Not just yet.

Just know that I was quite a distant loner throughout that heartbreak and mental period of picking up pieces here and there. I'm thankful to God I had another best friend (who shall remain nameless) helping me through the stress and being there for me, cheering me up each day. Little bits and pieces of conversation helped. Arigatou! :’3 Also special shout-out to Dan Ocelot and NyrtrixWolfie for being the best recently-and-officially-engaged couple appearing out of nowhere and introducing me to Minecraft: Java where silly game modes aplenty were available. X3 I love you all very much even if we don't speak as frequently now. You're still on my mind. All my good friends are.

So when would things turn around for this ninja lion?

Well... It began when it was announced that Furnal Equinox was back on! Hellz to the yeah! Even though COVID-19 was still ever-present at the time, it seemed manageable enough for all to work around and go despite knowing all the risks. Myself included. Unsurprisingly, even I, myself, contracted the pandemic leaving the con. But I couldn't be more proud of my fandom and friends reaching out and being supportive rather than labelling each other as monsters for exposing ourselves to COVID-19 and contracting shit or being idiots. 'Cause we were all technically idiots. We all went there. We knew what would happen. But dammit all if it wasn't worth seeing everyone in-person again. Giving hugs all around and not only seeing old friends but making plenty of new ones. After all, almost all of us going there acquired at least three vaccines upon going there, so the symptoms weren't as sucky. In my case, I had a terrible stuffy nose and a lingering cough. And though it spread to Mom and my older brother who took care of me, we all recovered just fine. Had no vaccines had been taken... Well... I'd likely not even be here. Perish the thought though! Among the many highlights that con, I was apparently popular on TikTok. Turned out that one guy giving me a high-paw was famous musician Papa Roach. Which is funny when you consider that 1) I wasn't on TikTok at the time and 2) I had no freakin' clue who Papa Roach was! Or still is! XD lol Also I made friends with (big shout-out to sarge)! He knew the right words to say to me during the Dead Dog Dance when he saw I was almost about to break down in tears seeing as how the weekend went so fast. :'3 To look forward to and be in the mindset for the next con. And he invited me to VRChat and to give it a try, guaranteeing that I'd love it.

So I did try it (one month after the con since I wanted to be sure I was healthy enough after COVID-19, lol). And two days into playing VRChat... I fell in love with the game and wanted my own headset and everything. TwT lol I know I've said stuff about how it's the not the same as IRL cons and meet-ups - and I'm still a firm believer in that - but I now honestly see why VRChat is so popular and how immersive and social one can be with it. In fact, it's been through VRChat itself that I came across many brand-new friends that I didn't even know that I needed in my life but am truly thankful that I do have them! :'3 Each one more unique than the last! I'll get to them later! X3 But I can't thank enough for getting me into the experience! Matter of fact, he's footed vouchers for me to be part of Furality, VRChat's online furry convention!

However the many hours of staying up way late into the night talking with said friends of mine took a toll on Mom and my older brother who had an intervention of sorts with me to share how pissed off they were about essentially me having friends to talk with before we all decided on an hour to settle on where I could lower my voice to a hoarse whisper so that the brother - whose bedroom was right above where my computer station was at our late Grandma's place (being the basement) - can sleep. You can guess how much that sucks having to have done that for a while - and still doing that even now - always being careful when midnight is around. X( But even then, before or after midnight, it doesn't change that my experience on there was severely hindered due to having a poor-quality all-around PC that had very minimal performance. Eight gigabytes of RAM with very limited storage. I suffered quite a lot with crowded instances, sudden slowdowns, and latency hiccups constantly. It didn't help that we had crappy rural Internet service.

But those closest friends of mine, lemme tell you... I've never had such online friends like them before. And I have yet to meet them all IRL. But, well, I must've done something right in my many days of hanging with them, sharing jokes and stories and secrets and life's hardships and whatnot... 'Cause they've all reached out to me in their own special ways.

Thanks to StarSkunk, Rubicante, , AliceJellyfish, , and the entire staff of Game Show Night's Discord group, I have a place to take part in game shows for real where I can demonstrate my passion for certain shows by hosting them or test my own skills or luck by becoming a contestant on them! I must also thank Flummel88 and TheEpicAnnouncer as well for taking part and getting me hype for said games!

Thanks to , I learned that it's okay to have time to yourself if you really need it. Plus hard as it is sometimes, I must appreciate the games I play with an open mind and try any and all I'm into at least once. I also learned that Elden Ring is batshit insane, and everything in it wants to kill me. ;;;O_O

Thanks to Kitsunegolem and Sakura Icemane (formerly Sigma Vataris/Laughing Howl/NytroBladewing), I've been exposed to new games and deep lores to really appreciate and sink my teeth into, truly grasping how creative and engaging said games are! They're both such relatable and down-to-earth angels... Granted, they are both absolute demons of chaos in UNO, but aside from that, they're both awesome. XD lol Also big thanks to Kitsune for being there for a few vents here and there and offering some kernels of real-life experiences that help me feel like I'm not a lost cause and encouraging me that true friends are there for one another always. And big thanks to Sakura especially for going even further as far as helping me be more exposed to VR in general by supplying me with actual money via PayPal that have gone towards multiple PC parts and a genuine Meta Quest 2 headset which has helped immerse me immensely in the game! :D

Thanks to Saros Eclipse, I have a greater respect for avali and am grateful for any and all movies - classic and modern - that I've never been exposed to until now. I'm neither Siskel nor Ebert, but I enjoy reviewing whatever I end up checking out and appreciate the many facts surrounding said movies. I also have a greater admiration for furs of long, productive histories and am honored to be in the presence of one of many pioneers that paved the way for the virtual reality experience that we've come to love today! I consider him part of my family with all his wisdom, love, and experience! And his knockout Dad puns. XP

Thanks to (a.k.a. Azure, Aleph, Alephmon), (a.k.a. Epsi/Epsiluna, Alephmon's wife), (formerly ), KuroXanos (a.k.a. Kuromon), Zoomlightbulbs, and the entirety of the Digimon Freelancers, I've developed a rekindling appreciation and slowly-growing love for the Digimon franchise all over again! Special shout-outs to Alephmon especially for being an outstanding best friend with his knowledge of all things technical and helping me learn the ins and outs of my new custom PC and bringing me reasons to laugh and enjoy everything the world around me has to offer! Also another big shout-out to Epsi for her lessons and support in all things art! And an extra shout-out to Kuromon for his design expertise for my personal Digimon OC avatar in VRChat! I don't know where I'd be without any of you. ;w;

As a matter of fact, one way or another, most of the above-mentioned names - if not all of them - have contributed in some way towards me getting the long-overdue custom PC upgrade as well as my very own Meta Quest 2 so that I may fully immerse myself and embrace everything VRChat has to offer. And now I can see my best friends in sharp quality and bright, pretty colours! :3 lol I am eternally grateful to you! I hope to repay such kindness to you however I can! ;///w///;

Also I wanna give a special thank-you to Alto Paco for optimizing my Digi-sona avatar so that it can be seen even by Questies, too! Your incredible modelling talents and your insightful expertise are matched by your gentle nature and your kind and sweet personality! Arigatou, onee-chan! ^///w///^

There would be one other person I'd thank, exceeeept they turned out to be rather creepy, forward, and highly defensive when trying to get me to stay their friend (made it even more awkward as he kept following me at FE knowing full well that he had a trail of complaints a mile long from both IRL and on VRChat going into the con). I'm no cartoon hedgehog, but LEO SEZ: be careful who you befriend online.

No, rather, I'll speak of someone else (this one I will talk about). Not to bring any further bad memories to the table, but one other thing that's happened in my absence is the rise and fall of another friendship with me and a well-known bondage artist on FA, munchkinlovaxp/wondersparks/Colton. You might have noticed that there was something drawn by him that I re-posted (which they allowed before) but suddenly had taken down without any warning. That's because there was another clean drawing I had received from him during when I had freshly been fighting depression and didn't think to reply to them right away with my usual positive "critiquing" of such drawings. In fact, I was quite beside myself mentally and also busy with other matters IRL that I didn't think to get back to him for three months. ;>_< But when I did, he avoided me as a friend altogether. Inevitably, once I did ask, "what's up?" politely, he rudely told me that I'm an accident for not getting back immediately, saying my reasons for being depressed were invalid and to take everything down. "Not even a fucking thumbs-up, motherfucker." Well, suffice to say, I was taken aback and was hurt once again, but as I've come to realize between him and that best friend of seven years, feelings don't have a place in society or online anymore. So I quietly removed the drawings, DM'd them a literal thumbs-up emoji, and blocked them. It's what they would've wanted. That and maybe my severed head on a pike, but hey, one out of two ain't bad. As for the real Colton that I remember, if you're reading this, I hope you are calm. I hope you have matured. I hope your drawings continue to bring joy to others as they have to me. I hope to capture even half your talent when drawing such scintillating bondage material. But always know. That attitude will not get you far. It won't get you any respect. FA doesn't owe you anything. Your followers don't owe you anything. You have to earn it. And everyone's going through their own hardships that may change or fuck them up inside to not be as talkative. It happens. Believe me, it happens. Not once was I asked how I was doing even when that other drawing was done for me. Did you ever stop to think there was something wrong with me and ask? No. You didn't. I've checked in on you. Not once was I asked if anything was the matter. Not even a "thumbs-up." But you're a smart lad. And I know you'll understand this eventually. And on that day, you'll thank me. Until then, don't even talk to me.

But while we're on the subject of bad stuff, as good as things have been going for me socially online, it still didn't make a difference with our current situation in the real world. We were forced by our jerk-ass relatives to leave our late Grandma's house and needed somewhere to call home. Grandma had passed at the age of 93 in 2021. Natural causes. It was tough for all of us. Even tougher when we wouldn't even be paid back for all the expenditures we invested into all the medical supplies for Grandma. Complete opposite of what Mom had hoped for. Relatives pulled fast ones on us, and so we had to vacate. Fast-forwarding to our new place, our late Grandma's therapy cat - a grey tabby cat named Mommy Cat - died about a week before last Christmas. Natural causes as well. We couldn't afford vet bills for her anymore even with her having gone blind towards the end. So we gave her end-of-life care as well. Once again tough on all of us. But I've made my peace with them both. They're not suffering anymore.

Rewinding back to us trying to find a new place, we ended up finding one. And thanks to the GoFundMe I had posted, we were able to afford first and last month's rent for it. But it was a duplex. With many building concerns that violated bylaws when we pointed it out to them behind the corrupt landlords' backs. And those landlords were piiiissed. lol But last April, we were fortunate to land ourselves into another house. An end-unit town house that we can't really afford but are barely managing to and is still certainly a million times better than the last house. However Mom's annoyed with a few things about house number three, from the sump pump running constantly to having to wait forever for hot water (which apparently connected to the heater/AC) to the contractors not getting around to putting up a fence in the backyard like they promised us. To be fair, she had every right to complain as far as the sump pump issue; we did have a flood in the basement that would have damaged everything had I not have put down my older brother's gym mats all over the floor. lol But I digress. We're likely gonna move again in the future to somewhere else that we can't pay for. Greeeeat. ;uwu

In the world of art, I've been slowly but surely pushing myself more and more to try new things. Through and especially, they've supported me and encouraged me with inspiration and art tips to further my craft! To actually use images on Google as references! And through their help, they've gotten me to see that while I still have a ways to go with stuff like anatomy and proportions and perspective among other things (again, where do I even start!? TwT), I've sure as shit come so far from where I am now! :'D So far in fact that... I think it's time to start offering commissions! :3c If for no other reason, just to give myself some support on the side, especially if I ever wanna work on being on my own and affording things for myself. X'3 That said, while I've successfully completed my first-ever sketch page commission, I'm stiiiill gonna need some re-working on price lists for whatever I'm able to do before finalizing everything! Just hang in there a little longer! >w< Thank you very much, Alephmon & Epsi! ¡Les quiero muchoooo! ^////w////^

Heck, it's because of them and and Zoomlightbulbs that they helped rekindle my love for Digimon all over again! X3 A love that I never knew I needed in my life! ^w^ I even have a new Digimon sona as a result! Be on the lookout on this account for my Rookie Digi-ninja lion, Nekozukimon! :D Hell, I owe a lot to them and the Freelancers. They pulled me out of that terrible darkness from 2020 and 2021. When I befriended all of them after trying out VRChat, I began to smile all over again. When I was broken, Alephmon and Epsi alone gave me back my reason to believe. They pulled me out of the darkness. I'm truly blessed to have them in my life! ;///w///;

All in all, it's been a Hell of a shitstorm of both good and bad in the time between my last journal and this one (and even a bit earlier). And because of all of this, I'm so backlogged on art re-posting and con photo posting, not to mention having to write descriptions for allllllllllllllll of them. Hell, I still haven't gotten back into that yet! That's a task I feel like I'll have no time to invest in, especially with the crap we're dealing with right now. T_T Even if I did, I wouldn't even know or remember where the Hell to begin. Like, do I just post anything super-recent and then try to piece things together in bunches later on? If so, how useful is PostyBirb? I hear that's a thing, but nobody's truly walked me through it (I learn better by doing rather than "crash courses"). I've thought of just making a new page for myself altogether, but I have way too many friends on this account to just go and make a new one. ;@w@ Granted there are still some reminders of what made me depressed before. But the much-earlier stuff still makes me happy. So I'm gonna push through and stay right here. Besides I'd for sure give you a warning if I ever did make such a new account and deem this one "archived."

How about that? You made it to the end. At least, I hope you did. lol If you legitimately read all of this from start to finish, then you've truly earned my commendations. And if you understand where I'm coming with everything and support me, you have my undying gratitude, and I'm forever grateful.

I love you. You are awesome, and you should feel awesome.