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Still Not In A Truly Good Mood
6 years ago
ジャーナルヘッダの術！ I've been to a Blue Jays game and checked out Avengers: Endgame last month. I've still been checking out random videos on YouTube and checking out Vines that make me laugh. And in terms of Telegram, I'm trying to warm up to it again for at least one or two good friends that are talking to me and keeping tabs on me.
And normally, I'd make posts about that kind of stuff, especially if it puts me in a good mood.
But...
I just can't bring myself to do much other than engorge myself in phone games and YouTube. Why? 'Cause something else is killing me inside. It's like I'm not myself anymore. Haven't been that way in so fucking long. Probably longer than what happened in 2016 as much as I fear thinking it.
I'm still in-and-out with trying to get my thoughts together before I even focus on anything FE2019-related (let alone older artwork I've gotten from others that badly, badly, badly need to be re-posted). There's stuff I need to address - due to certain things coming up and certain things I can't avoid seeing - but... I just can't fucking focus anymore. Even when I try to, heavily upsetting and angry thoughts stir up, and I have to distract myself with YouTube. I've never been this miserable in my life. Never. I can hold conversations and be happy physically on the outside like I've always been, but I miss being content inside. Like I was all the time before last summer. And it's been impossible for me to sleep for the past couple of nights (though that's more so 'cause I'm now finding myself going to bed at 4:00am which is dangerous and ridiculous for me, but even that's 'cause of the stress and distractions keeping me up). Those "certain events" that happened to me have hurt me big-time. And it's like I still have to be punished for it. Basically... I'm not doing good. Certain others are doing well off. In one case, they're well off 'cause of me and my retarded emotions and actions due to misinterpreting something was hopeless; now it's even more hopeless for me. Long story.
Y'know how it is when you've been content all your life - even if not happy but sure as Hell doing all right - and then something serious going heavily against you fucks with your mind to no end? To the point where it's like you're always aware of your heartbeats and blood pressure and can't stop panicking and hoping that things could just go in your favor with the current shitty situation you have no control over? It's been fucking depressing.
I'm alive, and I'm here, but things are getting worse and worse for me despite how I may appear in comments as of late. Not just for my health and sanity but life at the house with Grandma and everybody else. Since last summer, it's like God's decided to make me a punching bag to constantly stab and is loving every second of it with my reactions and tears and struggles to get my thoughts and feelings out.
...
Something tells me that I'm not worthy of prayers. But if you love me, please pray for me.
I'll go ahead and post a happier journal for you now.
And normally, I'd make posts about that kind of stuff, especially if it puts me in a good mood.
But...
I just can't bring myself to do much other than engorge myself in phone games and YouTube. Why? 'Cause something else is killing me inside. It's like I'm not myself anymore. Haven't been that way in so fucking long. Probably longer than what happened in 2016 as much as I fear thinking it.
I'm still in-and-out with trying to get my thoughts together before I even focus on anything FE2019-related (let alone older artwork I've gotten from others that badly, badly, badly need to be re-posted). There's stuff I need to address - due to certain things coming up and certain things I can't avoid seeing - but... I just can't fucking focus anymore. Even when I try to, heavily upsetting and angry thoughts stir up, and I have to distract myself with YouTube. I've never been this miserable in my life. Never. I can hold conversations and be happy physically on the outside like I've always been, but I miss being content inside. Like I was all the time before last summer. And it's been impossible for me to sleep for the past couple of nights (though that's more so 'cause I'm now finding myself going to bed at 4:00am which is dangerous and ridiculous for me, but even that's 'cause of the stress and distractions keeping me up). Those "certain events" that happened to me have hurt me big-time. And it's like I still have to be punished for it. Basically... I'm not doing good. Certain others are doing well off. In one case, they're well off 'cause of me and my retarded emotions and actions due to misinterpreting something was hopeless; now it's even more hopeless for me. Long story.
Y'know how it is when you've been content all your life - even if not happy but sure as Hell doing all right - and then something serious going heavily against you fucks with your mind to no end? To the point where it's like you're always aware of your heartbeats and blood pressure and can't stop panicking and hoping that things could just go in your favor with the current shitty situation you have no control over? It's been fucking depressing.
I'm alive, and I'm here, but things are getting worse and worse for me despite how I may appear in comments as of late. Not just for my health and sanity but life at the house with Grandma and everybody else. Since last summer, it's like God's decided to make me a punching bag to constantly stab and is loving every second of it with my reactions and tears and struggles to get my thoughts and feelings out.
...
Something tells me that I'm not worthy of prayers. But if you love me, please pray for me.
I'll go ahead and post a happier journal for you now.
Unfortunately, yeah. I try to put up a good front and not seem like I'm some sad sack of shit or whatever - and believe me, I've never been this way up until last summer - but it's been hard to feel good about myself for the longest time now.
I definitely won't mind sharing so as long as you don't mind me writing lots at once on Telegram (bit of a long story). Fact is, I'm afraid to do that and accidentally overwhelm you from replying to me at all. ;>_<
I know you want to, Jayni, and that alone - you wanting to offer help to me and listen to me at all - means so much to me. :'3 I'll get in touch with you as soon as I can.
Dominus tecum
So I've noticed! Sorry to hear your little Angie's got an ear infection. Hope she'll be okay even with you and your wife detecting that early. On the plus side, here's to her successfully completing kindergarten at last! ^w^ They grow up so fast, huh?
And dang, that sucks how you've got all those repair issues from the furnace to the A/C system. >_< Those alone are gonna run you lots. Here's hoping you'll still be financially well off after all those matters are settled.
I feel bad that those money issues are setting you and your family back quite a bit to not do much else this year. Always keeping a good thought and prayer for you and your family.
I truly do appreciate you being there for me and thinking of me, Matthias. And that's true; I'm writing to a caring friend right now. :3 Thank you very much.
God bless always!
Angie is doing fine now. She's only got one week left of Kindergarten!! Ack! It is so bittersweet in so many different ways. One of her old outdoor toys, a little playhouse, is now too small for her (it was too small last year but she still tried from time to time) and we're going to wash it down today and put it out for any who want it.
The AC repair on my car is to be done today. The Dishwasher install at least wasn't as bad as we feared. Next week we find out how much repairing the attic stairs will cost. Hopefully that will be the last of it.
Hard times come and season us. If we cannot manage the little inconveniences, how will we cope with those that truly tax us? I try to keep that perspective. Life is full of challenges, but full of joys too. Growth only truly comes through struggle. Nothing worth doing is ever really free. You are growing as you come through your struggles. Remain optimistic and remember that these changes can make a better man out of you, if nothing else.
*hugs again and scritches behind your ears*
Dominus tecum
Aw, wow, already? They grow up so fast! ;w; Yeah, I can understand that. When one chapter ends, another one begins. And I got a feeling that she's gonna have an awesome chapter, especially with such wonderful parents like you and Mrs. MatthiasRat! X3 Ah, she's outgrown that, huh? That's all right. I'm sure she had a lot of fun playing with it. And good on you for giving it away; whoever owns it next is gonna love it as much as Angie did. ^w^
Hope all went well with your car's air conditioner! Good going as far as the dishwasher. Yeah, I sure hope the attic stair repair will the last concern you have to worry about; seems like you guys have had enough hurdles to hop over already! ;o_o
Yeah, that's true. Of course, it's the little things that make up life for someone like me, but I get what you're saying. Whatever cannot kill me can make stronger, right? And well, I sure hope I'm growing and that they will make a better man out of me. I just hate how it has to hurt along the way. :c I'll try my best, MatthiasRat. Especially for such friends like you; I don't wanna let you down or ruin your day with my misery. ;>_<
*purrs from being scritched behind the ears as he's hugged again*
Air conditioner is fixed for the moment. They told me to bring it back in ten days so they can check for leaks again. If they find more leaks, it'll be another thousand to fix. Gah. I really hope they got it all. I cannot afford this.
How we react to adversity is very important. I don't know all the details of how you are reacting so I cannot offer you an opinion. But I can say that there is hope to grow and be a better person out of it.
*hugs again and keeps on scritching*
Dominus tecum
That's great! Good on them for wanting to double-check after ten days just to be sure. Oh, I can imagine that all of this has just been costly for you. ;>_<
That's true. And it's all right. I'd likely be here forever going on about what had happened. But you so much as offering your empathy and prayers for me shows that people care when I'm hurt. We all gotta support each other however we can. And I thank you for that. :'3
*sighs and smiles softly from the friendly scritches as he hugs his rat friend right back*
Oh! And today's the day for
Well, I'm hoping that the double-check shows everything's okay. It is costly on top of all the other repairs we've been hit with lately.
I know you are going to heal in time and that you will find a way through it. Having friends is part of it, no doubt, and I'm glad I can help.
*keeps on scritching and hugs back*
It is the day for our stream, and it looks like I might not be able to make it like I thought. Gah! We'll see.
Dominus tecum