FA+
Shop
In my face. Not off my face.
8 months ago
General
This is just some self exploratory type stuff, a bit of a ramble.
I've been making some positive life changes the past few weeks after a couple of big things happened to me. Wake up calls I guess you could call them. In all honesty they paint me in a pretty poor light, but if there's one thing I've been learning quite a bit on my course is that we all spend a lot of time and energy trying to ignore or compensate for what we see as shadow qualities. I learnt about two of my personal shadow qualities in very quick succession a couple of weeks ago and one of those literally changed the very core of me, which I didn't think was a possibility in all honesty.
As anyone who's been following me for however long here you may or may not know that I come from a family that was pretty neglectful of me, not in terms of food or being clothed but in terms of being used as a extra parent, not having much of a childhood and generally being left to my own devices, expected to parent my younger siblings and expected to be independant. Being seen to be needing help would automatically be a dangerous thing for me to do, I got beat quite a bit, and generally psychologically abused quite a bit growing up if I needed anything.
Anyway that's just for context, fast forward to 43 year old me, who struggles to ask for help, for fear of imposing myself on folk, it still creates an anxiety in me that its a dangerous thing to do, to ask for help...
So a few weeks ago just before handing in my essay I braved asking my class if anyone would read over my essay before I handed it in. I didn't expect anyone to say yes, the push for me was asking for help in the first place. Well...That's what I'd convinced myself of.
I went away feeling satisfied that I had asked for help, but had gotten the response I expected. No one helped me. I went home feeling self sufficient, robust, independant, the core of me felt safe. For these were the things I had learnt were important to survive.
2 weeks later I talked about my self sufficiency in class and one of my colleagues said..."I offered to read your essay" I was shocked as I thought back to the experience and remembered that she had indeed offered and I had immediately made a decision that I couldnt impose my essay on her as I knew she still hadn't finished her own essay and I didnt want my stuff to eat into her essay time. My brain had then completely dismissed the interaction. Up until that point I had honestly convinced myself that I'd got through it alone.
Shocking, and it left an awful taste in my mouth, it had all happened completely out of my awareness, I'd completely sabotaged myself, my needs hadn't been met, not by the others in the room, but by me. I had dismissed my colleague so easily. What was worse is that I realised that if EVERYONE in my class had offered to read my essay. I would have found an excuse not to send my essay to anyone.
Because my core belief that Im robust/resilient/self reliant is important to maintain, to be anything other than that threatens how I built the way I work in the world. And I had to just stare that right in the face and admit to myself that it had all been created by myself, and suddenly recognising that as a pattern throughout my entire frikkin life. I changed.
Feeling like I can get things done by myself, I mean self resilience IS of course important, but in moderation. Being part of communities, leaning on friends, asking for help, they were drummed into me as being things to avoid, weaknesses, potentially dangerous, and that couldnt be further from the truth, and so I feel awakened by that experience, that It's my choice to feel isolated and unsupported and that if I can just look beyond my internal conditioning theres a whole range of new choices rather than the same stuck pattern right there ready for the taking.
The second awakening came literally 3 days later, I had 2 days of my course where a Doctor comes and talks about addictions specifically for if we go into working with drug addicts or alcoholics, eating disorders etc etc. We got talking about alcohol, and this doctor works in an addiction clinic helping other doctors and stock market professionals with their various drug/alcohol addictions, people who are super high functioning in their day jobs but are really falling apart off the clock due to the stress and their addictions. It's virtually invisible because they're all successful, turn up to work on time and do everything non addicts do, but have serious health/mental problems.
I learnt that at 35 alcohol units a week you actually do damage to your brain. I looked at how many alcohol units I drink. only 2-3-4 pints a night...every night...the beer I drink is usually 3.6% a pint...so thats around 4-8 units a night....every night. So on a bad week thats 56 units a week......I have a problem. I thought you know since I can get up for work, do my job, function, I dont even suffer hangovers, then everythings fine. It is NOT fine to be drinking 56 units a week, thats like an entire months worth of recommended units it one week. Ow.
So that day I quit. I downloaded an amazing app called reframe (which also teaches you the psychology behind addictions and why it's not about willpower but by how your brain has been wired by the alcohol). 10 days sober and I do not miss it. Not even in the slightest. That's already the longest I've gone without alcohol in 20 years (again i realise this doesnt paint a good picture of me, but I'm being honest)
Luckily your brain is amazing and can repair/heal itself so hopefully any damage i've been doing is already on the road to repairing itself. Ive been going to the pub still every night, but drinking non alcoholic options, (which incidentally are also waaaay lower in calories and in the 10 days i've stopped drinking I have already lost 7lbs, I have way more energy and already feeling much more positive about life, because my dopamine levels aren't being skewed by alcohol any more)
So yeah just really wanted to share these things. I'm not proud of either of these sort of revelations I guess, theres some shame there about both of these things, but the fact that both things have shifted and I'm making positive changes, which already I feel is energising my work. I've been exercising more, drinking more water, sleeping better and planting vegetables in the garden and generally doing a bunch of self care in a way that I don't think I've ever really done quite in this way before. Long may it continue.
I just wanted to share some more positive stuff. Anyway if you read this far have a cookie.
I hope you're doing okay.
I've been making some positive life changes the past few weeks after a couple of big things happened to me. Wake up calls I guess you could call them. In all honesty they paint me in a pretty poor light, but if there's one thing I've been learning quite a bit on my course is that we all spend a lot of time and energy trying to ignore or compensate for what we see as shadow qualities. I learnt about two of my personal shadow qualities in very quick succession a couple of weeks ago and one of those literally changed the very core of me, which I didn't think was a possibility in all honesty.
As anyone who's been following me for however long here you may or may not know that I come from a family that was pretty neglectful of me, not in terms of food or being clothed but in terms of being used as a extra parent, not having much of a childhood and generally being left to my own devices, expected to parent my younger siblings and expected to be independant. Being seen to be needing help would automatically be a dangerous thing for me to do, I got beat quite a bit, and generally psychologically abused quite a bit growing up if I needed anything.
Anyway that's just for context, fast forward to 43 year old me, who struggles to ask for help, for fear of imposing myself on folk, it still creates an anxiety in me that its a dangerous thing to do, to ask for help...
So a few weeks ago just before handing in my essay I braved asking my class if anyone would read over my essay before I handed it in. I didn't expect anyone to say yes, the push for me was asking for help in the first place. Well...That's what I'd convinced myself of.
I went away feeling satisfied that I had asked for help, but had gotten the response I expected. No one helped me. I went home feeling self sufficient, robust, independant, the core of me felt safe. For these were the things I had learnt were important to survive.
2 weeks later I talked about my self sufficiency in class and one of my colleagues said..."I offered to read your essay" I was shocked as I thought back to the experience and remembered that she had indeed offered and I had immediately made a decision that I couldnt impose my essay on her as I knew she still hadn't finished her own essay and I didnt want my stuff to eat into her essay time. My brain had then completely dismissed the interaction. Up until that point I had honestly convinced myself that I'd got through it alone.
Shocking, and it left an awful taste in my mouth, it had all happened completely out of my awareness, I'd completely sabotaged myself, my needs hadn't been met, not by the others in the room, but by me. I had dismissed my colleague so easily. What was worse is that I realised that if EVERYONE in my class had offered to read my essay. I would have found an excuse not to send my essay to anyone.
Because my core belief that Im robust/resilient/self reliant is important to maintain, to be anything other than that threatens how I built the way I work in the world. And I had to just stare that right in the face and admit to myself that it had all been created by myself, and suddenly recognising that as a pattern throughout my entire frikkin life. I changed.
Feeling like I can get things done by myself, I mean self resilience IS of course important, but in moderation. Being part of communities, leaning on friends, asking for help, they were drummed into me as being things to avoid, weaknesses, potentially dangerous, and that couldnt be further from the truth, and so I feel awakened by that experience, that It's my choice to feel isolated and unsupported and that if I can just look beyond my internal conditioning theres a whole range of new choices rather than the same stuck pattern right there ready for the taking.
The second awakening came literally 3 days later, I had 2 days of my course where a Doctor comes and talks about addictions specifically for if we go into working with drug addicts or alcoholics, eating disorders etc etc. We got talking about alcohol, and this doctor works in an addiction clinic helping other doctors and stock market professionals with their various drug/alcohol addictions, people who are super high functioning in their day jobs but are really falling apart off the clock due to the stress and their addictions. It's virtually invisible because they're all successful, turn up to work on time and do everything non addicts do, but have serious health/mental problems.
I learnt that at 35 alcohol units a week you actually do damage to your brain. I looked at how many alcohol units I drink. only 2-3-4 pints a night...every night...the beer I drink is usually 3.6% a pint...so thats around 4-8 units a night....every night. So on a bad week thats 56 units a week......I have a problem. I thought you know since I can get up for work, do my job, function, I dont even suffer hangovers, then everythings fine. It is NOT fine to be drinking 56 units a week, thats like an entire months worth of recommended units it one week. Ow.
So that day I quit. I downloaded an amazing app called reframe (which also teaches you the psychology behind addictions and why it's not about willpower but by how your brain has been wired by the alcohol). 10 days sober and I do not miss it. Not even in the slightest. That's already the longest I've gone without alcohol in 20 years (again i realise this doesnt paint a good picture of me, but I'm being honest)
Luckily your brain is amazing and can repair/heal itself so hopefully any damage i've been doing is already on the road to repairing itself. Ive been going to the pub still every night, but drinking non alcoholic options, (which incidentally are also waaaay lower in calories and in the 10 days i've stopped drinking I have already lost 7lbs, I have way more energy and already feeling much more positive about life, because my dopamine levels aren't being skewed by alcohol any more)
So yeah just really wanted to share these things. I'm not proud of either of these sort of revelations I guess, theres some shame there about both of these things, but the fact that both things have shifted and I'm making positive changes, which already I feel is energising my work. I've been exercising more, drinking more water, sleeping better and planting vegetables in the garden and generally doing a bunch of self care in a way that I don't think I've ever really done quite in this way before. Long may it continue.
I just wanted to share some more positive stuff. Anyway if you read this far have a cookie.
I hope you're doing okay.
Think of everything you're saving, Star!
Stay the course!
*hugs*
None of us are perfect, and we all need to learn and grow, but it takes a strong person to actually recognize and do something about it. You're doing incredible. Good job, Star <3
As this is your journal, not mine, I won't take it over with tons of detail but self reliance was over pushed at school with "There's no such thing as can't" and even disability hierarchic structures that totally ignored my dyslexia and autism to the point that rather than be castigated for not trying enough when I actually needed help I'd either find some way of NOT doing it or just plow on even though I was getting nowhere fast.
I had a similar moment at camp having fell and damaged my wrist I was so focused on not giving up, a person you know had to say "It's okay to ask for help" before I could let go and accept help.
I realize now I have to try to unlearn some of these things and accept it's okay to ask for help and I won't be attacked for needing to.
Yee184696 suggested that you speak to a doctor about it. Your response had me thinking that your brain might be doing the same thing as it did when it tricked you out of getting help for the essay, and convincing you that you wouldn't benefit from seeking help and advice from a doctor.
It doesn't cost anything, and it couldn't hurt. Might be worth it for some potentially useful advice, and to help turn some of those "I think"s into "I know"s. After all, you didn't think that the amount you were drinking was too much. Maybe you could be wrong about the withdrawal dangers here. Maybe a drop from 56 units a week to zero IS enough to cause harm. It'd suck to discover that too late.
Also, when I told my doctor I was quitting smoking, her delighted response alone was enough to make it worth it (and hell...I remember that moment, what, ten years later?) I bet you'd get the same!
It was possibly dangerous to just up and do that, thinking about it now, reading up how they suggest anyone who regularly drinks more than 25 units a week should go through a monitored detox possibly with medicated intervention...I totally didnt do that and I was doing double those units so....um yeah maybe in hindsight I shouldn't have been so blase about the whole thing. But I'm genuinely past the danger zone time frame by well over a week now.
Remember there may be some hiccups, it happens. Sometimes you fall. Just gotta remember to pick yourself back up and try again! Ending addiction is tough
I was raised by an alcoholic (my mother, now recovered), I've seen the damage it can do and I've seen how much recovery can suck
This course has been amazing for you, and the opened your eyes to allow you learn not only about yourself, but how you can better yourself. You took it upon yourself to stop drinking for you own health. But you had the help to give you the foresight, and your own outsider looking in.
You will be an amazing councilor!
🙄
The whole human race just drinks and sexes themselves into perpetuated multigenerational poverty and misery. And it's always everybody else's fault they are in the predicaments they are in as they hold their hands out screaming "poor me!".
Beer, sex, drugs, male machisimo, neck chains and subwoofers. Sports and sports attire, plastering themselves with Nike and Raiders logos for free. Walking around giving everybody stinkeye, trying to act tough and macho. Sex as a status symbol. Going into debt trying to impress others who are also in debt. And all the third world momma baby daddy drama. 🙄
Its the "normal" people who are effing WEIRD.
No thanks I'll stay 12 and under forever.
keep on trying to improve and learn of yourself.
On the contrary, you're talking about how you recognized a problem while taking steps to rectify it. That's self reflection and action, baybeeee!!
Regarding the self-sufficiency, I guess I'll share a personal anecdote. In college, I interned for a well-known writer who has covered sports longer than my parents have been alive. Once a week I would go to his office and help out with different things, and he would ask me to read his stuff and make any edits if necessary. When I first started, I thought to myself, "who the heck am I, a college intern, to edit the work of such a renowned writer?" Over time, I realized that even the best writers will let others view their work since it's easier to spot any mistakes (that's why editors are/were a thing with newspapers) and I got more comfortable editing his work.
It was one of those things that reinforced the idea of 'it doesn't matter how good you are or how much you have things "figured out," everyone needs help from others every now and then.'
Good job
Alcohol. Drugs. Sex.
Never got into any of them. And absolutely hated highschool and college watching everyone "grow up" and want it all. I never did.