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Not dead yet.
5 months ago
I realize that I have posted a previous Journal stating that I had no place to go. It's not exactly true. I do have a place to live. But that's not what I'm talking about. Every new Avenue I go to explore every new social media website every new Gallery site turns out to be not the kind of people I want to hang out with. Furthermore, I don't really feel compelled to go back to drawing again or RP for that matter. People are probably wondering what changed.
Long story short, I got burnt out and fed up.
Please keep in mind this does not place the blame solely on my shoulders, and am not taking responsibility for other people's actions when their agency should be their own.
Ther burnout and disgust is not only in reference to my art. My reference to socializing in general. There were a few events that left me so traumatized that I now cringe at the very thought of the things I used to enjoy. So thanks for that.
I mentioned before that I had no place to go. Between multiple medical diagnosis, multiple Avenues of my social life exploding in my face, and the Advent of AI art, I felt it was time for me to go. I felt it was time that I quit whatever I have been doing previously. People think that these things are not all related. But they don't think the way I do. My brain is very tangential and can connect the dots to things that people normally wouldn't connect the dots to. What is it pattern recognition I have no clue. All I know is that every single one of these things that happened points the to the same thing: my home is out there, but not here. I thought Discord was going to be my new home but Discord is undergoing enshittification, starting with forcing AI art on everyone, whether we want it or not. Right out of the gate, no support or love for traditional artists.
And then I had a falling out with several different friends. None of them really furry per se but one of them bought Wizard school game so probably not so big of a loss. That being said just because it wasn't so big of a loss doesn't mean it was a victory either. It was a shitshow. And I have no doubt in my mind that that channel is going to be a shit show.
At this point I'm just taking things one day at a time. If I talk to someone who means something to me, great. If I don't, no reason to do anything crazy.
Therapy is painfully slow and my therapist hasn't even addressed my trauma yet. Enough with the posturing about feeling vulnerable that's my natural state. Vulnerable is my middle name. I just don't find anything meaningful in what I used to do anymore, the servers I used to chat in, etc. These are places where everything that i am and who I am... is not welcome. I don't even volunteer anymore. I don't have the physical energy to work or help others, one of the few things I used to take pleasure and pride in, left.
Seeing the social climate out there, makes me realize that I'm a dinosaur. I don't fully wholeheartedly embrace AI. I believe it has its uses, but ultimately, no. It being used to replace the artist and scam others who can't run AI platforms on their PCs.
Everyday is total silence, except the hum of the fans in my PC or my stand fan. I get maybe 1 call a day, and usually it's a doctor's office confirming my appointment.
There's nothing really left. I'm starting to wonder if people are just freaking out because I'm mid-life and people expected an "emo f*****" (not my choice of words, just someone in the 2000's) like me to have not made it this far.
Now living is an act of defiance. Doubly so now that vaccinations are starting to be targeted by anti-vaxxers and this is -really bad- for me.
Now I'm joining a day program where I'm going to do arts and crafts and forget about everything. Maybe that's for the best.
Long story short, I got burnt out and fed up.
Please keep in mind this does not place the blame solely on my shoulders, and am not taking responsibility for other people's actions when their agency should be their own.
Ther burnout and disgust is not only in reference to my art. My reference to socializing in general. There were a few events that left me so traumatized that I now cringe at the very thought of the things I used to enjoy. So thanks for that.
I mentioned before that I had no place to go. Between multiple medical diagnosis, multiple Avenues of my social life exploding in my face, and the Advent of AI art, I felt it was time for me to go. I felt it was time that I quit whatever I have been doing previously. People think that these things are not all related. But they don't think the way I do. My brain is very tangential and can connect the dots to things that people normally wouldn't connect the dots to. What is it pattern recognition I have no clue. All I know is that every single one of these things that happened points the to the same thing: my home is out there, but not here. I thought Discord was going to be my new home but Discord is undergoing enshittification, starting with forcing AI art on everyone, whether we want it or not. Right out of the gate, no support or love for traditional artists.
And then I had a falling out with several different friends. None of them really furry per se but one of them bought Wizard school game so probably not so big of a loss. That being said just because it wasn't so big of a loss doesn't mean it was a victory either. It was a shitshow. And I have no doubt in my mind that that channel is going to be a shit show.
At this point I'm just taking things one day at a time. If I talk to someone who means something to me, great. If I don't, no reason to do anything crazy.
Therapy is painfully slow and my therapist hasn't even addressed my trauma yet. Enough with the posturing about feeling vulnerable that's my natural state. Vulnerable is my middle name. I just don't find anything meaningful in what I used to do anymore, the servers I used to chat in, etc. These are places where everything that i am and who I am... is not welcome. I don't even volunteer anymore. I don't have the physical energy to work or help others, one of the few things I used to take pleasure and pride in, left.
Seeing the social climate out there, makes me realize that I'm a dinosaur. I don't fully wholeheartedly embrace AI. I believe it has its uses, but ultimately, no. It being used to replace the artist and scam others who can't run AI platforms on their PCs.
Everyday is total silence, except the hum of the fans in my PC or my stand fan. I get maybe 1 call a day, and usually it's a doctor's office confirming my appointment.
There's nothing really left. I'm starting to wonder if people are just freaking out because I'm mid-life and people expected an "emo f*****" (not my choice of words, just someone in the 2000's) like me to have not made it this far.
Now living is an act of defiance. Doubly so now that vaccinations are starting to be targeted by anti-vaxxers and this is -really bad- for me.
Now I'm joining a day program where I'm going to do arts and crafts and forget about everything. Maybe that's for the best.
